The Christmas Giveaway Winner!

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Christmas Giveaway

Tonight

Tonight, Parker and I went to church. I dropped him off at his class and went in and sat next to my dad and step-mom. We had a really good preaching, and at the end we were asked if we had any prayer requests.

I looked around quickly, so that I did not cut someone else off in their request, my heart starts to beat a little faster, my hand goes up. The words "I do," come flying from my lips- already knowing that this was the reason I went to church tonight. God knows I had a sink filled with dirty dishes to wash.... Note: Yes, the dishes are still sitting in the sink as I type.... A pumpkin cheesecake pie is still waiting to be made before tomorrow.... Note: It's almost 11:00 p.m. and I still need to make that pie.... But, there is always time for the Lord!

Everyone gathered around me, placing hands on me, and lifted me to the Lord. As people started to pray, tears started to stream down my face. Hearing others intercede for me, and speak uplifting words on how they see who I am, what I do for others and speaking the words of love for me, is just what I needed.

When driving home, it was a clear sky, with the stars sparkling, the moon lit up, and I just felt "still." The radio was on, and 'Praise You In This Storm' by Casting Crowns, started to play. It started to play right before I took my last turn to get home, and that road takes me right past the cemetery where my little Isaiah rests. With one hand on the wheel, and the other turning the volume up, I raised my hand to the Lord, and start to sing, with tears streaming down my cheeks.

As I pass the very place he lays, these words were sung:

"I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away"...

"And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"...

A beautiful mess..... That's what I was tonight.

Where the love lasts forever...

There is a song we sing at church called "Where the love lasts forever," and it literally takes my singing to a complete halt.

These are the words that make it most difficult to sing:

"My soul will dance with you, where the love lasts forever...."

I feel this peace come about me. I can see Isaiah dancing around the throne of God with his little bare feet, and a smile illuminating off his face...... I also feel this huge blow to my stomach, as I wish that I could be watching that beautiful smile right in front of me........ smiling directly at me.

But, I began singing again as the verses get easier, and remember this verse...

1 Thessalonians 4:13
But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope.


Yes, I grieve, deeply at times, but this hope I carry runs deep within and throughout my being.


Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.


You wouldn't have seen this next statement written in the first three years after the loss of my son, but this last year has brought with it some unexplained peace. Here it goes......

-Isaiah WAS called according to his purpose-

With as much pain as I have endured throughout these last four years, and tears that could fill a sea, I know that God had a plan for his short lived life, just as his plans for mine continue.

As I look back on all that I have written on my blog, it amazes me the strength that builds as the posts grow in numbers. I have to smile, and believe that with each post written, and tear cried, I have only traveled closer to the throne of God. Closer to the plans that He has written for my life- willing to do His plan, without questioning, "Why?"

When my journey has been completed.....

Yes-"My soul will dance with you, where the love lasts forever..."

Grace For The Journey

Kelly, Holly and I had an amazing evening on Saturday, October 13th. We put on the very first "Grace For The Journey" conference, for Sufficient Grace Ministries.

Many beautiful women joined us in remembrance of our precious children, who have entered eternal peace and beauty before us.

Kelly, Holly and I each spoke on what we know best..... loss, mixed with beautiful hope.

We talked and counseled.

Enjoyed amazing food and fellowship together.

We prayed.

We thanked God for choosing us to be their mommies.

Our hearts ache often, but our hope remains, growing strong with each new day. One day closer to our reunion in heaven.

I am so thankful to have been a part of this beautiful conference, and blessed to be a daughter of the King.

Here are some pictures from the conference. It was scheduled from 5pm-9pm, and we didn't finish until 10:30 p.m.! It really was a beautiful night.

This is one of the tables set up with the supplies that Kelly gives (FREE) to mothers who have loss a child(ren).

These are the sweet,(pun intended,lol), cupcakes that Kelly brought up from Ohio, along with lots of other yummy food!

Sweet Kelly speaking.... did I mention beautiful?!

Me, giving my "bold" advice on how to treat a mother who has had to say goodbye to her child(ren), because their hearts stopped beating, and precious souls were delivered into the arms of Jesus. "Things to say," and "Not to say"..... This includes how to speak to the father as well. Yes, their hearts ache too......

Sweet Holly speaking... did I mention beautiful?!

After we spoke individually, we then did a panel discussion. Kelly is holding Holly's daughter, Evanee. She is A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E!!

We all lit a candle at the end, and whispered our child(ren)s name(s). I decided to share this photo of Kelly, because those three candles gently burning in her hand, represent the two daughters and one son that pulled their mothers heart into creating this beautiful ministry. It's their precious lives that are the heartbeat of Kelly's desire to comfort others, the way that she has been comforted. (Thank you Kelly.)

The three of us being silly.... it comes naturally!

Last of all, a picture of the rainbow that appeared to Kelly and Holly on their drive home Sunday morning. They came to my church, and we had a table set up with all of Sufficient Grace Ministries love. Love for the broken hearted.... filled with hope. I spoke in front of my church that morning sharing what Kelly does, and that I myself carry the burden of a broken heart. A missing piece to my family. When I saw that Kelly and Holly saw this rainbow on the way home, my heart stopped for a few beats..... I knew he was with me, watching down, whispering..... "good job mommy, I love you....."

Broken

The last couple of days I have been an absolute mess. I did have some friends e-mail me to make sure that I was okay. I had a post up titled "I'm done with this abuse," and then decided to remove it and deal with my problem privately. I'm not going to go into great detail, but there are some family problems right now, and I am completely hurt. Broken. How can people judge you, when in reality, they don't fully know you? I'm talking about the deep depths of my heart. My life behind closed walls. Finances. Deciding to stay home with your children, and struggle to make ends meet, because you just can't stomach the thought of a complete stranger taking care of your precious children. I call this sacrifice. Me giving up things I want in this world, so that I can raise my children in the way that they should go. I guess when you're walking in the light, the darkness has to come sometime.

People that are supposed to be supporting you, keep talking behind your back, just as if you don't have any feelings. Even stretching their toes beyond my boundary, and joking around about what I write on my blog. This has seriously hit me hard. What a low blow.

Yesterday, I laid on my couch in my pajamas and robe and cried. I would stop for a little while, then tears would quietly run down the side of my cheek onto the pillow I was resting on.

Tonight, I was talking on the phone with one of my friends and telling her about what happened when I was at Wal-Mart with the boys..... Devon asked if we could go and look at the Halloween costumes, though I was in a hurry to get back home, I gave into his plea of excitement. We walked up to the costumes, and this little boy whom we did not know, started to show us the costumes that he really liked. He must have been about four years old by the looks of his height and speech. There was no mother or father in the area. He continued to point out all of the famous hero costumes, Batman, Hulk, and Star Wars. Any person passing by, would assume that the little boy was with us..... Then, a girl around the age of twelve came running towards the little boy, and said "come on Isaiah, I'm ready." He waved a cheerful good-bye and off they went............. My heart sank, and broke into a million little pieces. I turned around and watched them run away. For a split second, I felt as though God gave me just a few moments with Isaiah, and then reality hit. I could have fell apart right on that floor. I just started to walk. Walk off the tears. I turned down an aisle, and as I turned the corner, a picture covered in words talking about life, was colored with all of the colors of the rainbow.......

I do believe that Isaiah is with me........ sometimes, I just want to hold him so bad. Kiss and hug him. Cradle him in my arms. It's a hurt that can't be described. An aching that lingers.......

And leaves you broken.

This Shirt

I was going through the top drawer in my dresser, and came upon an article of clothing that I hadn't seen in a very long time. I had purposely buried it so deep within the drawer, so that I would not see it on a daily basis. I actually forgot that it was even there. If you are curious what it was, let me share a picture to give you a visual...........

This is the last shirt that hugged my growing belly. This is the shirt that I lifted over my belly, and watched my little Isaiah dance around in the safety of my womb. This is the shirt that I put on before going to bed that night..... the last night I got to hold him in my belly. The last night I got to feel him kicking..... the night I rode in an ambulance, because something was very wrong.......

After arriving in the E.R., a gown was placed over this lilac colored shirt, and I was taken up to the O.B. department. I went through contractions all night long in this shirt....... I was told that I was dying in this shirt...... and that I would loose him as well....... that little boy dancing so happily, so peacefully within my womb..... I received many blood transfusions in this shirt. I went through labor in this shirt, a labor that was a nightmare..... just to give birth and death all in one....... I was wearing this shirt as his heat beat slowed one beat at a time..... This pretty lilac colored shirt went from hugging my growing belly, to hugging my son that lay in my arms...... This shirt was on me, as his precious soul went from my arms, into the arms of Jesus....

After the delivery, I was taken into surgery with this shirt on. I had to be put under, and have my placenta removed piece by piece, because it had grown into part of my uterus. I received more blood transfusions in this shirt. I came close to my own death in this shirt. This shirt was cut off of me either before I left the O.R., or after arriving in the I.C.U.

This shirt was handed to me shortly before I left the hospital, because it was considered my personal property. I arrived and left the hospital with this shirt.

Today, I opened this shirt up, and laid it on my kitchen table. I put the sleeves together that had been cut, and took both halves that used to be whole, and tried making it look like one piece......... while trying to put my shirt back together, I had a thought; this shirt could really represent my heart, and how it must look after going through the heartbreaking loss of my son. Then, my thoughts turned toward the Lord, and I smiled. "Yes, Father, you have made me whole again. I know that I never will be the same. My heart has been shaped and put together differently, but when I look close, all of the pieces are still there... being hemmed by your hands.

Grace for the journey~ A Day of Encouragement and Remembrance

I am so excited to share that Sufficient Grace Ministries will be hosting a women’s conference and remembrance ceremony where I attend church!! It has taken a lot of work getting this set up, but it sure is going to be worth it! Kelly Gerken, Holly Haas, and I, are excited to share our hearts with all who attend, and will also be having a special time for others to share their stories as well. You can read more about this exciting conference below:

Grace for the Journey ~ A Day of Encouragement and Remembrance

Hosted by Sufficient Grace Ministries

Saturday, October 13, 2012

5:00pm-9:00pm



Harbor Light Community Church

8220 Clayton Road

Harbor Springs, Michigan



We are excited to announce plans for a day of remembrance and encouragement for mothers who have experienced the loss of a baby, and for anyone who wants to better understand how to minister to those who grieve. We all face trials and loss in this life, so our message of hope is relevant to anyone, regardless of whether you have experienced the loss of a child or not.



There will be a few speakers to share about the following topics:



Finding Hope Through Grief’s Journey

How to Minister to a Bereaved Parent

Making Precious Memories ~ Incorporating Your Baby’s Memory into Your Family Celebrations

The Effects of Sibling Grief and Ways to Support Grieving Siblings



We will also have a time of sharing, prayer, and a remembrance/sky lantern release ceremony honoring our babies in heaven. Mothers will have an opportunity to personalize each lantern. We will be bringing some items to share with the mothers, from the Dreams of You Shop, and some other gifts to encourage. There will be refreshments, and a time to share with one another in the telling of our stories. This special retreat will be hosted by Sufficient Grace Ministries with no set charge for the participants. Free will donations are appreciated to help cover the costs of this event and to support the outreaches of this ministry. We are hoping to spark interest with the mothers in the area, as we believe this event could be a great comfort to those walking this path. October is national pregnancy loss awareness month, and a special time to honor these precious lives, and encourage the mothers with grieving hearts.

To register for the event, please send your name and contact information to either Kelly Gerken at: sufficientgraceministries@gmail.com or Jennifer Ross at: hoster777@live.com

Happy Birthday Isaiah.... 4 years in the arms of Jesus

Isaiah,

As I sit and write this letter at the beginning of a new day (12:30 am), I realize that these were some of the last precious hours I was blessed to carry you deep within my womb. If I had only known how it would have ended, I would have been on that hardwood floor in my hospital room, pleading to the Lord to spare your life... but the Lord always knows what He is doing. He knew that my strength would have dissipated throughout the night, if I would have known that you and I were traveling to the end of our road here on earth. I never would have believed that this is how your life was going to end. Even after four years, I can still see that hospital room just as if it were yesterday. I can still smell the scents that August brings, as your birthday approaches. For the last four years, the month of August has brought new meaning into my life. It is a time that my heart aches for days, as I wish that you were here with us. A time when I sit and watch your brothers play, wondering what you would be doing with them. I feel so sad when I think of what you lost out on in life, but as of lately, I have been trying to look at your loss differently. I'm trying to make my heart realize how happy and whole you are with the Lord. I make myself see you smiling and laughing with Jesus, enjoying every experience of heaven. Your death has not been the end of you, but the beginning of life for eternity. You get to experience perfect peace and joy that I cannot touch until I am with you, in the presence of the Lord.

It has taken me almost thirty one years to really grasp the beauty that surrounds this world. True beauty. I looked out my window a couple of days ago, and watched the rain fall from the clouds. I then looked at the bush that had been growing all summer right before my eyes. It captured every rain drop, as it quickly rolled and dripped from leaf to leaf. It reminded me of how the Lord holds my every tear. Then, I watched the rain run down the window, just like the tear drops that run down my cheeks when I cry for you. It was a beautiful moment. The Lord showed through nature, that He holds it all. My tears/laughter, joy/sadness, you/me. Through Him, we are still together.

You lived more than fifteen minutes within my arms, but 19 weeks and 3 days within my womb. You have given me joy and love that will carry me throughout the years... into eternity.

I love you Isaiah Christopher Ross. Happy Birthday son.

Love,
Mommy


Romans 15:13
Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.

Remembering Five Years Ago....

Five years ago, tomorrow, my son Caleb had to have a brain tumor removed. I have copied and pasted the same post I originally wrote four years ago. I decided a long time ago not to write this post over, because the experience was extremely emotional and I find it very hard to put into words.

I still have times when I have an anxiety/panic attack when Caleb tells me that he doesn't feel good. It just sets the fear in me all over again, taking me right back to that moment in time when I thought that I might really loose my precious son. There are no words to sum up this experience. Here is my post...

First, I need to start out by saying how emotional this post is for me. I'm very teary eyed every time I talk, write or think about my son Caleb and all that he has endured. Five years ago, my oldest son Caleb had to have major brain surgery to remove a golf ball size tumor.

I want to share with you the short version of Caleb's story. There are too many things to recap, things I don't even know how to put into words. The whole experience has been unforgettable in every way.

Caleb was six years old when this happened. He was having headaches on and off for about a year. Before we found out that he had a brain tumor, he was starting to have new signs of problems, other than just headaches. When he laughed, he would say that his head hurt while we were playing around with him. A couple of days prior to finding out, he couldn't walk very fast either.

On a Saturday night at 1:00am he woke up screaming in pain. I took him to the ER immediately. After sitting up in the bed for a little while, he was all smiles, not hardly any pain. He had some molars coming in, and so I asked the doctor if that could be causing the headaches. He said it could be possible. The doctor offered a CAT scan, which I turned down. I asked him how long it could wait until it was absolutely necessary. He said no longer than a week. I know, you are probably thinking that I'm crazy for not getting it. I thought that he would have to have an IV and be put through a bunch of painful tests. I was terrified!

The next night at 1:00am he woke up screaming again. I picked him up out of his bed and took him to the ER immediately. We took him to have a CAT scan right after he was signed in. The doctor said that the scan had to be sent through the web to Australia, because there weren't any doctors there at night to read it. I knew that something was really wrong. It's a mother's tuition, you just know when something is wrong. So I laid in Caleb's bed holding him ever so tightly, and was praying, praying and praying.

A few hours later, the doctor came in with the nurse, and if anyone has been in the hospital and received bad news, you already know that the doctor always brings a nurse with him when it's not good! He said, " I don't know how to say this." I didn't even sit up. I knew. He is going to tell me that my little boy has a brain tumor. He continues, " There is a mass in his head." He showed me where it was in Caleb's head. It was in the region controlling coordination. He had asked me if I want to see the scan. I replied, "yes." I remember staring at the picture of the CAT scan, and I said, "so does this mean he's going to die?" The doctor said, "I really can't tell you that." I could see the outline of his face on the screen, that's when the whole thing became "real" to me.

I remember calling my husband, who was at home with my other boys, and I began shaking uncontrollably. I made some more calls to Caleb's father, grandma and our pastor. (Yes, Caleb has a different dad. Nothing I'm proud of... the divorce that is. I was previously married. I was eighteen, way to young... sad situation, but we are able to be civil now, which many parents of divorce are not able to do.) Anyway, plans were made promptly to have Caleb taken to DeVos Children's Hospital in Grand Rapids.

Before Caleb was taken to have a three and a half hour MRI, I laid in his hospital bed with him. He fell asleep, and I just looked at every part of his sweet face. I sang some songs. Prayed, prayed and prayed. I knew that they were going to keep him totally sedated from the MRI all the way through surgery. This was going to be the last time that I was ever going to talk and hold him alive... if he didn't make it through that surgery alive. (tears....) At that moment, I thought about all of the good times, and everything that I wish that I would have done differently.

The nurses woke him up around 11:30pm on May the 22nd. and told him that they were going to give him a little nap. I got to tell him "I love you," and then the doctor started putting the medicine in his IV to sedate him. After that, the doctor gave him a medication that stopped all muscle controls. He was then put on a respirator. Yes, I watched, until he went limp from the muscle medicine. I walked out to the nurse station in the ICU, and quietly wept. When they were finished getting him set up, they wheeled him to MRI. I sat in his room for three and a half hours. When he came back, his ears were filled with tears. At that point, I felt like I was literally dying. I felt helpless. I asked if he was crying, the nurse said that it was the medication that does that to the eyes. To this day, I just don't believe that.

I sat by his bed, in a hard chair, and held his hand all night long. To watch his lungs get pumped up with air by a machine, was overwhelming. He would keep waking up and try to take the tube out, and the nurse would have to come in and give him more sedatives. I can't imagine waking up and not breathing on my own, and having a tube down my throat at the age of six. After going through the night and half the morning like that, the doctor came and got him at 10:30am on May the 23rd. Our pastor was there that morning and prayed over Caleb. I walked down the hall by his bedside until we came to the "double doors." I told him how much I loved him, and then they wheeled him through the doors. I stood there and watched them take my baby away. I watched him until I couldn't see him anymore. I broke down right there in the hall. I had never felt so empty in my entire life!

I sat in the waiting room with a bible in my hands. One of the nurses came in every hour and told me how he was doing. He did great! After four and a half hours, Caleb was brought back to the ICU, and I got to be there when he woke up. To hear him say that he knew where he was and who he was...... well, that was just pure bliss. I stayed by his side for five days straight. He had a shunt that had to be removed before he left, and that was pure, well you know, torture. He got to go home after five days. To go home so soon after brain surgery, that was a real blessing. Extremely scary too.

The doctors said that he was fortunate the tumor had a sac around it that didn't allow it to spread. I am certain that God had something to do with that! The tumor was benign. The doctors don't know what caused Caleb's tumor, but it likely had been there his whole life.

Through this whole nightmare, I have learned and grown so much. Life just "looks" different. I can say for 100 % that it had put the fear of God in me. Just knowing how much our lives are truly in His hands. It is completely up to the Lord when we will go and be with Him and all of His glory.

For the first year after Caleb's surgery, you could find me on my floor praying to God at 1:30 in the morning, every time he would wake up at night. I had been so traumatized through the whole ordeal, I had a really hard time going to bed at night, because that's when he had woke up screaming and we ended up at the ER with a brain tumor. Now, you can find me on my floor, kneeling beside my bed, thanking God for His unspeakable gift..... the healing of my son.

Thank you Lord for my sweet precious Caleb..... Thank you.

Mother's Day 2012

I made it through another Mother's Day without that little boy. Such a special day for mother's, and when you have faced loss, it almost becomes unbearable. The day before Mother's Day, I started to feel the "yuck." I just wanted to skip the day. **I know, I know, the crowd pulls their hands up to their mouth with a gasp of shock, "she doesn't want to celebrate Mother's Day!?"** I got "over" it after the morning got rolling, but it still crept up on me occasionally. In the end, I was spoiled, and treated like a queen! We spent the whole day at Mackinac Island! We had a blast!.......... Let me start with the COOLEST gift ever....... My friend Jen, (A.K.A. My most bestest bestest friend ever! This is not suppose to be spelled correctly, for all of you O.C.D. writers out there, including myself!) We were looking at these blankets at the store over one year ago, and she still remembered. Is this not the coolest gift ever, and friend!?!? Thank you from the bottom of my heart Jen!

and..... she also had my boys each make me a tag on these beautiful flowers, and they each brought them one by one to me, reading what they wrote. Jen brought me Isaiah's flower, which is written in rainbow, and said "I love you mama." Each flower made up the colors of the rainbow too!

The boys all made me beautiful homemade cards and poems, and my husband got me the sweetest card and yummy(fattening) box of chocolates! :O)

This is a close up of the flower I bought at a local flower shop for Isaiah's grave. I took Ezekiel with me, and we went and placed the flowers on his grave the day before Mother's Day.

Here is Ezekiel placing his flower on Isaiah's stone. I took him out of the car, and he went right over to Isaiah's grave. How did he remember where to go? I do not know, but I believe love is a strong force that God always allows us to carry throughout our life. So we can hang onto our loved ones, no matter where they may be....

Here is how I left the flowers...... Mother's Day may have been hard to wake up facing, but this is a day we all wake up to. Each day without our children. We can choose to embrace each day with faith and love, and hang onto our hope of that special day when we see them again. There will be no more pain and suffering. Just amazing love and joy....

A Glimpse Of Heaven....

Tesha, from Tesha's Treasures, took the time to go to the beach, and write out Isaiah's name in shells. I should say that she wrote out MANY names. I haven't seen his name written out in a very long time! When I look at this picture, my mind fills with images of my little boy playing on the beach with Jesus. With warm sand stuck on the bottom of his feet and between his little toes, Isaiah gathers all of the shells together, and Jesus takes them with a gentle smile, while neatly spelling out, ISAIAH. These are the images that keep my heart at peace. Thank you Tesha! This picture is precious to me!

and this precious photo too....

yes....you are forever loved Isaiah....

Life.... No Matter What.

My husband and I took our boys to the circus that visited our town on Wednesday. We met my friend Jen and her daughter Alexis there too. It was the boys first time experiencing a circus and they enjoyed it so so much! I enjoyed it too. My favorite part was watching them enjoy all of the entertainment....... then, we got to the end of the show, and it hit out of nowhere. The loss, sadness and life that he missed out on. As the dirt bikes drove as fast as they could around that special cage, with that beautiful brave woman standing inside, tears began to fill my eyes. I don't know if it was the freedom that those two young men seemed to have at that moment, as they raced around one another, or if it was as though nothing bad could happen to that young woman standing inside, no matter what danger seemed to roar around her. Time seemed to stand still........ Maybe, just maybe, I felt like that girl. Not thinking that anything bad could happen to me. To my children. It reminded me of my boys, so handsome, so brave. Fearless. Or, I feel as though I am stuck in that cage. Life keeps roaring around me. No matter what. Loss....... Life keeps going. A little boy missing out of the pictures that capture my boys. Loss....... Life keeps going. No matter what.

Footprints On My Heart

I created a new picture for the top of my blog, and I wanted to share it. Isaiah's footprints lay atop the blue doggy slippers he never got to wear. In the middle, rest the wedding bands of my husband and myself.

I had to get into Isaiah's tub of items, which are hidden safely away in my bedroom closet. I opened his beautiful fabric pastel box, which holds the most delicate pieces I have. As I was searching for his imprinted footprints, a glimpse of a picture caught my eye. I was taken back to the night he passed. I felt ill. My ears began to burn and anxiety ran through my legs and feet. I took this picture a few times, until I felt that it portrayed his precious life in a beautiful way, and then put all of his items gently back into the tub.

I just couldn't go through that box tonight.

Not tonight.

For The Joy Set Before Us

Walking With You was created to offer comfort, encouragement, and hope to grieving families who have lost a child. This week, we are sharing what it will be like the day we are reunited with our precious babies in heaven. If you would like more information on this ministry, click on the "Walking With You" button in my sidebar.

The moment I am reunited with my little boy in heaven... will be a true reward for me. The second my soul is placed inside the heavenly gates of glory, I picture Jesus standing there with His hand gently reaching for mine, and then placing it in Isaiah's hand. I feel at that moment, I will know why all of this pain and loss was allowed. Jesus will say to me, "welcome home my good and faithful servant." (I'm hoping...lol) It will all have been worth the pain that I have endured every single day of my life.

For the very first time... I will set my eyes upon Isaiah's eyes. One of the regrets that I carry with me, is not being able to look into his sweet eyes. "They" say that the eyes are the windows to our soul. There is just something so special when you look deep inside your children's eyes or any person whom you truly love. You can really sense their heart and soul.

I picture Isaiah as a young boy, not a baby. I don't even think that he will have been missing me. I believe that there are no tears and no goodbyes in heaven. Nothing bad. Just pure excitement! I see him with this huge smile, jumping up and down with anticipation to show me all that he has been doing. He will be tugging on my hand to have me hurry along the trail of adventures that he has been a part of. In certain places along the way, he will mention of the times that he heard me talking to him and the songs that we would sing to him. He will also mention of the times him and Jesus would send love and comfort to me while I was crying for my sweet boy.

I truly believe with all of my heart that Isaiah is with me in spirit, and is a witness to my life. Talk about making sure that I don't do bad things. lol It really puts in perspective how real our Lord is, and knowing that His eyes never leave us. He's watching all that we do and say. It's a constant effort to become a better person daily. To show more love and compassion along this journey in life. In becoming a better person, I can truly thank my son for that, and trust the Lord in His endless wisdom and guidance.

One day, I will be reunited with my sweet sweet boy..... until that day.....

Waiting.......

Music To My Ears

Yesterday, late into the evening, I heard the most beautiful humming sounds coming from the bathroom.

I turned the knob to the bathroom ever so quietly, hoping that the sound of the water pouring out of the shower head, would be enough to muffle the sounds of the door opening.

With the door cracked just a few inches, I press my ear towards the song that he is singing. I can't figure out what it is, but it is heavenly.

I feel like I'm intruding, so I began to quietly close the door. Just before I have the door completely shut, I spot his pile of clothes laying in a pile on the floor. An image of Mario covers the front of his sweatshirt. His favorite.

I stand there, with my eyes closed, filling with tears, and thank God for him. I thank God for letting me have him longer. To raise, play with, take care and to love.......



(If you are newer to my blog and are wondering why I wrote this, my oldest son Caleb, had a brain tumor removed in May 2007. Click here to read the post I put on my blog last May.)

The Things People Say

This week we are sharing some of the things that people had said to us while we were "freshly" grieving. If you want to share your experience or read the journey that others are walking, please click on the "Walking With You" button on my side bar.

Please remember that this post was written a couple of years ago, with some "touch ups." I had a lot of anger when I originally wrote this, and wanted to leave it, as is. This post is what I went through in the early stages of grief, not where I am now in my grief. I feel very different with comments that others say on a rare occasion, and if I don't think it is very nice, I simply tell them.(lol) I am able to communicate my hurt, as it arises.

There are some things that I will not mention, due to the pain that was caused from the comments. Here are two, that really bothered me.....

I do remember my first visit back to church, a few weeks after the loss of Isaiah. There were many women that came up to me and told me about how many miscarriages that they have had. This might sound really mean, but I really didn't care about how many miscarriages they had. I do look at miscarriage as a great loss. It truly is. I had a miscarriage before Isaiah, and it was absolutely heartbreaking. I remember crying for days and weeks, but with Isaiah, I certainly did not have a miscarriage. In my eyes... my circumstances were in a whole other universe of loss. My child didn't die on his own. He wasn't sick. He was healthy. He was growing perfect. He was alive! Basically, he died, so I could live. That is something that I have to wake up with every single morning, and go to bed with every single night. It was out of my hands. There was nothing that I could have done. I questioned every specialty doctor that was available. Nothing was going to change my health. It was out of my hands, and yet I am unable to take it from my hands. I still can't believe it. I had gone through so much trauma, tragedy and loss, the last thing that I wanted to hear about was a miscarriage.

I had one person tell me "but" all of the time.

The conversation would go like this:

Friend: "How are you doing Jenny?"

Me: "Not good."

Friend: " I know it's not easy, but he's in heaven, happy and whole."

This was said about two weeks after I buried Isaiah. Are you kidding me? How much time am I "given" to grieve. 48hours? She knew that it wasn't easy? How did she know that? She has all of her children alive and running around in her home, happy and whole! I was so mad at my friend for months. I wouldn't even return her calls. If your wondering, yes, I did forgive her. I told her how I felt about her having said that to me on numerous occasions, and she felt really bad. As you can see, it's a very sensitive subject. One that should not be taken lightly.

Overall, out of the whole loss in general, I am hurt at how forgotten Isaiah has become. (This does not include my friends on my blog. I truly do not know how I could have gotten through the last three years without your love and support.) It has only been three years, and men and women in history books get more talk about their lives, than my precious Isaiah. On his birthday, I really expected a lot of people to check in on me. It was his first birthday, without him here to celebrate it. The only calls I received that day were from my mom and two friends. That really hurt. This little boy that I write about so often, a little boy I call son, has changed my life so immensely. I have become a better person after becoming his mother. He has taught me how precious life truly is, and how quick it can be taken away. I have put bad behind me, and made better choices for my life. I have forgiven people that I never could have before. I seek truth. I want to leave behind the gift of love and laughter. I try to live as if it were my last day. You never know.... it truly could be.

Walking With You.... Sibling Grief

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. This week we are talking about sibling grief/the next pregnancy. Click on the button in my sidebar, "Walking With You," to get more information.

Having to have my three children brought up to my hospital room to be told that their brother died was heart wrenching. I told them that mommy got really sick and Isaiah wasn't strong enough to "make it." I didn't know what else to say. Isaiah wasn't sick. He was a fighter through all of the problems in my pregnancy, and I refused to take that from him. The kids never knew what "sick" really accounted for. You can't explain to young children about blood clots, D.I.C., blood transfusions and almost bleeding to death. They know that I almost died, because of the comments that others would say around them. These people should have been more careful. When I do get sick, I don't want the kids to worry that something bad is going to happen to me again. So I have used this to "show" the kids how God had a big plan for Isaiah's life and that the Lord still wants me here with them so I can take care of them. That seemed to do the trick, for that fear anyway.

I would have to say that out of all three boys, my youngest son, Parker, has had the most difficult time with the loss. My friend that was taking care of the kids at the time, said that when she was driving them home from the hospital, Parker had huge tears rolling down his cheeks, repeating over and over, "why did they take my baby?" That broke my heart. I wish that I could have held him when he needed me. I wish the children didn't have to wait until they are adults to really understand what really happened. It would put a lot of closure to all of their unanswered questions. I guess that you could call it an "open/raw pain."

A couple of months after the loss, I had brought Parker home from school, and I asked him what sounded good for lunch. He didn't answer. So I kept calling for him, and a minute later, I found him laying on the floor, between the coffee table and couch. He was holding Isaiah's picture and quietly crying. His little heart ached for his brother. What could I do? I told him how much Isaiah loves him and that he is right here with us, even though we can't "see" him. I told him that he could give Isaiah a kiss on his picture. That seemed to help. He did that for quite awhile.

We will never stop speaking of Isaiah. He is as much a part of this family, as anyone else in this home. We talk about him every single day. I am very serious when I write, EVERY SINGLE DAY. On Thanksgiving, a special candle was lit and placed in the middle of the dinner table. On Christmas, he has ornaments and a blue stocking under the tree. On his birthday, my friend got him an angel bear that sings "Jesus loves me," I lit his special candle, had a poem put in the newspaper, I made a cake, we took balloons to his grave and we even put a couple of hot wheel cars on his stone. That is my little boy forever. I will never stop including him. I know all to well, the way the world looks at me when I do these things for him. I really don't care what anyone else "thinks." After they have had to walk what I have, then they are more than welcome to share their opinions. I may sound angry, but I do have to say that I get really sick and tired of hearing others opinions/concerns. It can be a real "slap in the face." I don't need advice on how to raise my boys that are alive and with me, and I surely don't need the advice on how to mother my child who has passed. I'm the one who has to live with the loss every single day.

Six months after the passing of Isaiah, my husband and I had a little one on the way. We were all thrilled! I was extremely scared that something bad was going to happen in that pregnancy. You never look at life the same way as before. I was told that the problems that occurred in my last pregnancy were a fluke. That wasn't the case. Something was not right in my uterus. We don't know what it is. The only guess, scare tissue. After two weeks, I started having problems when I was pregnant with Ezekiel. It had been the same issues that I had in my pregnancy with Isaiah. My children started to ask the question, " is this baby going to die too?" Half way through the pregnancy, the blood clots had cleared, and the bleeding had stopped. I delivered a healthy little boy in October 2009.

On some of the days following Isaiah's death, I barely got through each hour. I truly don't think that I could have said good bye to another child. God has done a miracle in my last pregnancy, and I will never stop giving Him the glory that is His.

We will continue to cling to the Lord through the great loss of our Isaiah. God is in control. After all... "He's got the whole world in His hands."

~Jenny~

The Sea of Grief

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. This week we are talking about the early days of grief. Click on the button in my sidebar, "Walking With You," to get more information.

The Beginning Of My Journey

When I first got home from the hospital, I was so weak, I sat on my couch as soon as I walked through the door. It only took a few minutes for me to realize that I had sat in that same spot waiting for the ambulance to get to my house a few nights prior to this great loss. That was the last spot in my home that I would hold my little boy... in mommy's tummy. I lost it. How in the world was I going to go on in life?

That first night at home, my husband helped me get the boys to bed, and then he crashed out on the couch about fifteen minutes later. I remember sitting at the end of my bed looking out my window. I had to figure a way to change what happened. I started going through everything in my head, and figure out a way to save Isaiah's life. I came so close to calling my doctor at her house and letting her know how we can "change" what happened. I had only been a CRAZY WOMAN that first night. I told my mom about it the next day. I look back, and realize that I should not have been alone that first night.

After a few days of being home, I started to pack up all of my maternity clothes. I couldn't stand looking at them! I would have done it sooner, but I couldn't barely stand. Let me remind you, I almost bleed to death, and had around sixteen units of blood given to me. It was a miracle that I was still alive, and I'm at home packing a garbage bag full of clothes. That's how much I didn't want to see them.

I had to be very careful around my children for a long time. I don't know how many times a day that I would go and lock myself in my bathroom and cry. I didn't wank my boys to see me crying all of the time. There were many times that I just couldn't hold it back, and they still would see me crying. Doing the dishes, laundry, driving in the car, etc.

A lot of people would ask me how I was doing. I would just say fine. I think if I replied, " I just want to die sometimes," I probably would have had a lot more attention than I wanted. I didn't want to talk to anyone, unless they had buried a child. There were two women at the time that I knew had shared in the same loss. I felt "normal" around them. I walked with one of them at the cemetery a couple months after loosing Isaiah. It was a blessing to just walk and talk with someone that was just like me. So much changes in your life, you become a "new" person. I was able to share my feelings, without being told that Isaiah was in heaven and happy. I already knew where Isaiah was. I didn't need to have it repeated over and over again. I needed to have someone just listen, and not say anything.

To end my post on early grief, I would just say, please don't tell me your sorry that I loss my baby. If you lost a child who was of an older age, I wouldn't say, "I'm sorry that you loss your teenager." You would have loss your son/daughter. I loss my son. A little boy that would have ran around with his brother's, rode bikes, ate pizza, played baseball, needed his boo boos to be kissed, blew out birthday candles, opened Christmas presents, went to his first day of Kindergarten, and would have run up to me and wrapped his arms around my legs saying, " I love you mommy." The loss is endless.

Walking With You... Naming Our Babies

It's Monday once again, and we are walking together with hope. This week, we are sharing how we chose the names for our babies and any special meaning behind them.

~ Isaiah Christopher Ross ~

This name is so special to me. It represents love. It represents a little boy I call, son.

Isaiah: God is my salvation.

Christopher: Christ-bearer.

When my husband and I chose this name for our son, we wanted it to be from the bible. We picked this name before we found out that we were going to have a little boy. (I like to have the names picked before we find out what we are having.) Isaiah's middle name is after his daddy. So that is something special that my husband shares with his son.

It's not till after he passed, that I realized what a special name he was given. God knew what he would be called, and gave us the wisdom to do so. I had been given a certain peace, when God revealed to me, the meaning behind, Isaiah... God is my salvation. When I read that soon after his passing, I felt so much purpose for Isaiah's life. He was planned to be with us for a very short season. I include my pregnancy in that time frame. He was alive. Before I could feel him moving inside me, I could feel his spirit. I had 19.5 weeks with him. Not just the fifteen minutes I was blessed with his warm body in my arms.

God, is Isaiah's salvation. I know he is with our Lord. Worshiping and praising the One who created him. I look forward to the day, when the Lord calls my name, and I will be holding my son once again, for eternity.

I only have a few people in my life that will mention Isaiah's name. When Isaiah is talked about, it's primarily on my blog. It hurts me that people are too scared to talk about him. They are afraid that I will hurt, if his name is spoken. I hurt no matter what. I hurt when I awake in the morning, through the day, and when I stare at my clock while falling asleep. I guess it's just one of those things that people won't ever understand, unless they have "walked in your shoes."

Please mention my son's name. He is so special and loved by his family. He was here. He didn't get to jump around and play with his brother's, but he did in his mommy's belly. I didn't get to rock him to sleep while he sucked his thumb, but he did in his mommy's belly. He was my gentle spirited boy. My Isaiah Christopher.

Walking With You.... Meeting Our Babies

This week, we walk this journey together, with the birth and meeting of our child(ren). Please walk with us.... join us in this walk, if you have had to say goodbye way to soon.

(This was not an easy post to do. Very emotional. I am thankful that we are having this walk together. There is so much healing that is needed. I feel it will take a lifetime.)

~Meeting Isaiah~

After a few hours of hard labor and five minutes of pushing.... my sweet little Isaiah was placed in my arms. I couldn't believe how small he was. He was absolutely perfect, in every way. Just to weak to survive so young.

Fifteen minutes. That's all I was given. I did not waste one second. I rubbed the inside of his tiny hand with my finger. I kept telling him, " I love you Isaiah Christopher Ross." I gently swept my hand down the side of his head.

HE WAS PRECIOUS.

God had created such a miracle.

The nurse checked to see if his heart was beating about every five minutes.

We had him baptized with oil, before passing.

After his last heart beat... he was taken from me.

The doctor had to focus on how critical my health was becoming.

I couldn't push the placenta out. So I was taken to surgery immediately. I was out for an hour and a half. It was supposed to have only taken ten minutes. The placenta had also grown into my uterus, making things even worse than before. I had been given more transfusions of blood during the surgery also. My doctor said that she has never had to give anyone that much blood before! (She told me that at my six week check-up)

After surgery, I was put in ICU for the night.

The next couple of days, I had a chance to hold Isaiah and have pictures taken. I felt a certain kind of peace when he was with me. Even though he wasn't alive, I still felt complete, because he was with me. I was able to protect him. I was able to mother my child...

I will NEVER forget saying goodbye. The nurse, funeral director and myself, took Isaiah to a room in the NICU. He lied there in a baby basket, wrapped in soft blankets. I asked to be alone for a few minutes. I kissed him, told him how much I loved him, and began to walk away. Then I would turn around, and go back to the basket and do it all again. I did this about five times. The only word to describe how I felt at that moment.... torn. You don't leave your children in the store, and walk away. You don't take them to the doctor, only to drive away without them. How do you say goodbye?? FOREVER..... until heaven welcomes you.

I was checked out of the hospital shortly after saying my final goodbye. I got wheeled out, with a swollen belly and empty arms. My son got to leave in a box with a stranger.

The journey continues...

Walking With You... Waiting

We continue our journey, with the waiting. If you are unfamiliar with this journey, click on the button above.

~Waiting~

After I found out that I was going to loose my son, it's hard to describe what I was feeling. In some of my very old posts, I had put a lot of detail into these feelings. I'm going to copy and paste some of those feelings.

Here is part of an older post on January 22, 2009:

There is just a feeling of guilt that I walk around with. ( now my tears come pouring out ) I am really struggling with the fact that Isaiah had to die because they had to get the placenta out or I would die. Here we have this little boy, who is innocent and perfect, and has to come out of his mommy's warm belly and be put into the cold ground, because of a placenta that didn't implant right. I will never forget when my nurse gave me those four little pills to chew and swallow to start my labor. I cannot even begin to tell you the emotion that overtook my soul at that moment. Then they started pumping blood through two different IV lines (transfusions of blood) and another kind of medication to "help" get the dreadful "death" sentence on it's way. I apologize if I am getting to graphic, but this is what I think about on a daily basis. I am haunted by it. I just remember crying out "I don't want to do this, I don't want him to die, I love him so much!!!!!!!!!"

I remember feeling at such a loss. To basically be told, "it's either one or both of you." (That's not how my doctor spoke to me. She was the most loving and caring doctor.) As I kept questioning the whole induction, that is what everyone would keep reminding me. "One or both." It just seems so inhumane, to have a mother go through such a soul crushing trial. I didn't think that I would ever be faced with such a heartbreak as this.

During the whole induction and waiting to be told that I could push my precious son out, I never had any hate towards God. I didn't really have time to sit and be angry, but somewhere deep down inside, I knew that God was holding me, and soon after, my son for eternity..........

~Jenny~

Walking With You... another journey together...

Kelly, from Sufficient Grace Ministries, is starting the Walking With You series over again. We are beginning right from the very first walk we took together a couple of years ago. The following, is what Kelly had written from a previous post, about the loss of a child. It gets my tears flowing....


Excerpt from this post:

That walk, it’s no flower-laden path. It is a dark alley with old jagged concrete, filled with mud puddles and Do Not Enter Signs. Dark and foreboding…if we look with our human eyes. That walk is not for the faint of heart. It is the nitty gritty stuff of life and death, loss and hope, pain and healing, sorrow and joy. It is a bitter cup that one day becomes a soothing sweetness to your soul, but for a time breaks you into pieces. And, on that walk, it’s unpredictable. The rain pours. The tears flow. The mud rises. That’s what we see, at least.


I'm a little over three years in walking this journey of loss. I have healed in ways only my Creator could accomplish within me, and still carrying a load of guilt that rests upon my shoulders. Some days are harder than others. It all depends on the time of year. During the hard days, I have to grab a hold of the Lord, and rest in His arms, minute by minute. It is definitely a journey of grief and hope, wrapped all in one.

I will be sharing my old "Walking With You" posts, as Kelly takes us through another journey together. We will be walking with old friends, and making new, along the way. Please join with us, and we will make our way, yet again, through the pain, beauty and hope, we all hold onto.......

When I had written this post, I only had my three older boys at the time. Our family had been bleesed with another son the following year after loosing Isaiah. This post had been written ten and a half months after the loss:

~The Beginning Of My Journey~

With four other boys at home, I know how precious life is. My children are my everything. It's my job to take care of and protect these fragile lives.

August 3, 2008 was the start of a new journey in my life.

From seven weeks to nineteen and a half weeks of pregnancy, I had a huge blood clot that was forming in my uterus. It was over three fourths of my placenta. I knew that there was a possibility that I would loose my child, but I guess I still looked at myself in the world's view.... "it won't happen to me." You may know what I'm talking about.

It did happen to me.

On the 2nd. of August, I was rushed to the hospital at 11:00pm. The blood clot had pulled away from the placenta, causing a partial placental abruption, which started a bleed that ended up becoming lethal. Not causing death to my son..... but a fast approaching death upon me.

The next day, on the 3rd. of August, I will NEVER forget. My doctor came into my room and sat at the end of my bed. She said that I had a condition called D.I.C. She said that we needed to deliver the placenta or I would be dead within the next twenty four hours. After the delivery, I still only had a 30% chance at survival.

Wow! How will I be able to live after loosing my precious son? My son was healthy and alive. Why would God have me go through this? I couldn't answer that question yet. I had to start the dreaded death sentence. I had three little boys to go home to. At this point.... I had lost a piece of my heart. All the hopes and dreams that I had for this little one..... buried.

I held my little boy as the beats of his heart slowed down to his last. I kept telling him how much I loved him, as I held his hand in mine. God gave me fifteen minutes. I am thankful for that little time that I had been blessed with. My little Isaiah got to begin life within me and end it within my arms.

Why did God allow this? Most of that question will have to wait until I get to heaven. My life has been transformed in so many ways. I have tried to focus on living a more wholesome and fulfilling life. The life that Isaiah didn't get to live. I want to be a better person because of his life, not worse.

That is the beginning of the walk that I have traveled in the last ten and a half months. Thank you for walking with me, and may we find God's grace through this journey together.

~Jenny~