Footprints On My Heart

I created a new picture for the top of my blog, and I wanted to share it. Isaiah's footprints lay atop the blue doggy slippers he never got to wear. In the middle, rest the wedding bands of my husband and myself.

I had to get into Isaiah's tub of items, which are hidden safely away in my bedroom closet. I opened his beautiful fabric pastel box, which holds the most delicate pieces I have. As I was searching for his imprinted footprints, a glimpse of a picture caught my eye. I was taken back to the night he passed. I felt ill. My ears began to burn and anxiety ran through my legs and feet. I took this picture a few times, until I felt that it portrayed his precious life in a beautiful way, and then put all of his items gently back into the tub.

I just couldn't go through that box tonight.

Not tonight.

For The Joy Set Before Us

Walking With You was created to offer comfort, encouragement, and hope to grieving families who have lost a child. This week, we are sharing what it will be like the day we are reunited with our precious babies in heaven. If you would like more information on this ministry, click on the "Walking With You" button in my sidebar.

The moment I am reunited with my little boy in heaven... will be a true reward for me. The second my soul is placed inside the heavenly gates of glory, I picture Jesus standing there with His hand gently reaching for mine, and then placing it in Isaiah's hand. I feel at that moment, I will know why all of this pain and loss was allowed. Jesus will say to me, "welcome home my good and faithful servant." (I'm hoping...lol) It will all have been worth the pain that I have endured every single day of my life.

For the very first time... I will set my eyes upon Isaiah's eyes. One of the regrets that I carry with me, is not being able to look into his sweet eyes. "They" say that the eyes are the windows to our soul. There is just something so special when you look deep inside your children's eyes or any person whom you truly love. You can really sense their heart and soul.

I picture Isaiah as a young boy, not a baby. I don't even think that he will have been missing me. I believe that there are no tears and no goodbyes in heaven. Nothing bad. Just pure excitement! I see him with this huge smile, jumping up and down with anticipation to show me all that he has been doing. He will be tugging on my hand to have me hurry along the trail of adventures that he has been a part of. In certain places along the way, he will mention of the times that he heard me talking to him and the songs that we would sing to him. He will also mention of the times him and Jesus would send love and comfort to me while I was crying for my sweet boy.

I truly believe with all of my heart that Isaiah is with me in spirit, and is a witness to my life. Talk about making sure that I don't do bad things. lol It really puts in perspective how real our Lord is, and knowing that His eyes never leave us. He's watching all that we do and say. It's a constant effort to become a better person daily. To show more love and compassion along this journey in life. In becoming a better person, I can truly thank my son for that, and trust the Lord in His endless wisdom and guidance.

One day, I will be reunited with my sweet sweet boy..... until that day.....

Waiting.......

Music To My Ears

Yesterday, late into the evening, I heard the most beautiful humming sounds coming from the bathroom.

I turned the knob to the bathroom ever so quietly, hoping that the sound of the water pouring out of the shower head, would be enough to muffle the sounds of the door opening.

With the door cracked just a few inches, I press my ear towards the song that he is singing. I can't figure out what it is, but it is heavenly.

I feel like I'm intruding, so I began to quietly close the door. Just before I have the door completely shut, I spot his pile of clothes laying in a pile on the floor. An image of Mario covers the front of his sweatshirt. His favorite.

I stand there, with my eyes closed, filling with tears, and thank God for him. I thank God for letting me have him longer. To raise, play with, take care and to love.......



(If you are newer to my blog and are wondering why I wrote this, my oldest son Caleb, had a brain tumor removed in May 2007. Click here to read the post I put on my blog last May.)

The Things People Say

This week we are sharing some of the things that people had said to us while we were "freshly" grieving. If you want to share your experience or read the journey that others are walking, please click on the "Walking With You" button on my side bar.

Please remember that this post was written a couple of years ago, with some "touch ups." I had a lot of anger when I originally wrote this, and wanted to leave it, as is. This post is what I went through in the early stages of grief, not where I am now in my grief. I feel very different with comments that others say on a rare occasion, and if I don't think it is very nice, I simply tell them.(lol) I am able to communicate my hurt, as it arises.

There are some things that I will not mention, due to the pain that was caused from the comments. Here are two, that really bothered me.....

I do remember my first visit back to church, a few weeks after the loss of Isaiah. There were many women that came up to me and told me about how many miscarriages that they have had. This might sound really mean, but I really didn't care about how many miscarriages they had. I do look at miscarriage as a great loss. It truly is. I had a miscarriage before Isaiah, and it was absolutely heartbreaking. I remember crying for days and weeks, but with Isaiah, I certainly did not have a miscarriage. In my eyes... my circumstances were in a whole other universe of loss. My child didn't die on his own. He wasn't sick. He was healthy. He was growing perfect. He was alive! Basically, he died, so I could live. That is something that I have to wake up with every single morning, and go to bed with every single night. It was out of my hands. There was nothing that I could have done. I questioned every specialty doctor that was available. Nothing was going to change my health. It was out of my hands, and yet I am unable to take it from my hands. I still can't believe it. I had gone through so much trauma, tragedy and loss, the last thing that I wanted to hear about was a miscarriage.

I had one person tell me "but" all of the time.

The conversation would go like this:

Friend: "How are you doing Jenny?"

Me: "Not good."

Friend: " I know it's not easy, but he's in heaven, happy and whole."

This was said about two weeks after I buried Isaiah. Are you kidding me? How much time am I "given" to grieve. 48hours? She knew that it wasn't easy? How did she know that? She has all of her children alive and running around in her home, happy and whole! I was so mad at my friend for months. I wouldn't even return her calls. If your wondering, yes, I did forgive her. I told her how I felt about her having said that to me on numerous occasions, and she felt really bad. As you can see, it's a very sensitive subject. One that should not be taken lightly.

Overall, out of the whole loss in general, I am hurt at how forgotten Isaiah has become. (This does not include my friends on my blog. I truly do not know how I could have gotten through the last three years without your love and support.) It has only been three years, and men and women in history books get more talk about their lives, than my precious Isaiah. On his birthday, I really expected a lot of people to check in on me. It was his first birthday, without him here to celebrate it. The only calls I received that day were from my mom and two friends. That really hurt. This little boy that I write about so often, a little boy I call son, has changed my life so immensely. I have become a better person after becoming his mother. He has taught me how precious life truly is, and how quick it can be taken away. I have put bad behind me, and made better choices for my life. I have forgiven people that I never could have before. I seek truth. I want to leave behind the gift of love and laughter. I try to live as if it were my last day. You never know.... it truly could be.