Walking With You.... Meeting Our Babies

This week, we walk this journey together, with the birth and meeting of our child(ren). Please walk with us.... join us in this walk, if you have had to say goodbye way to soon.

(This was not an easy post to do. Very emotional. I am thankful that we are having this walk together. There is so much healing that is needed. I feel it will take a lifetime.)

~Meeting Isaiah~

After a few hours of hard labor and five minutes of pushing.... my sweet little Isaiah was placed in my arms. I couldn't believe how small he was. He was absolutely perfect, in every way. Just to weak to survive so young.

Fifteen minutes. That's all I was given. I did not waste one second. I rubbed the inside of his tiny hand with my finger. I kept telling him, " I love you Isaiah Christopher Ross." I gently swept my hand down the side of his head.

HE WAS PRECIOUS.

God had created such a miracle.

The nurse checked to see if his heart was beating about every five minutes.

We had him baptized with oil, before passing.

After his last heart beat... he was taken from me.

The doctor had to focus on how critical my health was becoming.

I couldn't push the placenta out. So I was taken to surgery immediately. I was out for an hour and a half. It was supposed to have only taken ten minutes. The placenta had also grown into my uterus, making things even worse than before. I had been given more transfusions of blood during the surgery also. My doctor said that she has never had to give anyone that much blood before! (She told me that at my six week check-up)

After surgery, I was put in ICU for the night.

The next couple of days, I had a chance to hold Isaiah and have pictures taken. I felt a certain kind of peace when he was with me. Even though he wasn't alive, I still felt complete, because he was with me. I was able to protect him. I was able to mother my child...

I will NEVER forget saying goodbye. The nurse, funeral director and myself, took Isaiah to a room in the NICU. He lied there in a baby basket, wrapped in soft blankets. I asked to be alone for a few minutes. I kissed him, told him how much I loved him, and began to walk away. Then I would turn around, and go back to the basket and do it all again. I did this about five times. The only word to describe how I felt at that moment.... torn. You don't leave your children in the store, and walk away. You don't take them to the doctor, only to drive away without them. How do you say goodbye?? FOREVER..... until heaven welcomes you.

I was checked out of the hospital shortly after saying my final goodbye. I got wheeled out, with a swollen belly and empty arms. My son got to leave in a box with a stranger.

The journey continues...

Walking With You... Waiting

We continue our journey, with the waiting. If you are unfamiliar with this journey, click on the button above.

~Waiting~

After I found out that I was going to loose my son, it's hard to describe what I was feeling. In some of my very old posts, I had put a lot of detail into these feelings. I'm going to copy and paste some of those feelings.

Here is part of an older post on January 22, 2009:

There is just a feeling of guilt that I walk around with. ( now my tears come pouring out ) I am really struggling with the fact that Isaiah had to die because they had to get the placenta out or I would die. Here we have this little boy, who is innocent and perfect, and has to come out of his mommy's warm belly and be put into the cold ground, because of a placenta that didn't implant right. I will never forget when my nurse gave me those four little pills to chew and swallow to start my labor. I cannot even begin to tell you the emotion that overtook my soul at that moment. Then they started pumping blood through two different IV lines (transfusions of blood) and another kind of medication to "help" get the dreadful "death" sentence on it's way. I apologize if I am getting to graphic, but this is what I think about on a daily basis. I am haunted by it. I just remember crying out "I don't want to do this, I don't want him to die, I love him so much!!!!!!!!!"

I remember feeling at such a loss. To basically be told, "it's either one or both of you." (That's not how my doctor spoke to me. She was the most loving and caring doctor.) As I kept questioning the whole induction, that is what everyone would keep reminding me. "One or both." It just seems so inhumane, to have a mother go through such a soul crushing trial. I didn't think that I would ever be faced with such a heartbreak as this.

During the whole induction and waiting to be told that I could push my precious son out, I never had any hate towards God. I didn't really have time to sit and be angry, but somewhere deep down inside, I knew that God was holding me, and soon after, my son for eternity..........

~Jenny~

Walking With You... another journey together...

Kelly, from Sufficient Grace Ministries, is starting the Walking With You series over again. We are beginning right from the very first walk we took together a couple of years ago. The following, is what Kelly had written from a previous post, about the loss of a child. It gets my tears flowing....


Excerpt from this post:

That walk, it’s no flower-laden path. It is a dark alley with old jagged concrete, filled with mud puddles and Do Not Enter Signs. Dark and foreboding…if we look with our human eyes. That walk is not for the faint of heart. It is the nitty gritty stuff of life and death, loss and hope, pain and healing, sorrow and joy. It is a bitter cup that one day becomes a soothing sweetness to your soul, but for a time breaks you into pieces. And, on that walk, it’s unpredictable. The rain pours. The tears flow. The mud rises. That’s what we see, at least.


I'm a little over three years in walking this journey of loss. I have healed in ways only my Creator could accomplish within me, and still carrying a load of guilt that rests upon my shoulders. Some days are harder than others. It all depends on the time of year. During the hard days, I have to grab a hold of the Lord, and rest in His arms, minute by minute. It is definitely a journey of grief and hope, wrapped all in one.

I will be sharing my old "Walking With You" posts, as Kelly takes us through another journey together. We will be walking with old friends, and making new, along the way. Please join with us, and we will make our way, yet again, through the pain, beauty and hope, we all hold onto.......

When I had written this post, I only had my three older boys at the time. Our family had been bleesed with another son the following year after loosing Isaiah. This post had been written ten and a half months after the loss:

~The Beginning Of My Journey~

With four other boys at home, I know how precious life is. My children are my everything. It's my job to take care of and protect these fragile lives.

August 3, 2008 was the start of a new journey in my life.

From seven weeks to nineteen and a half weeks of pregnancy, I had a huge blood clot that was forming in my uterus. It was over three fourths of my placenta. I knew that there was a possibility that I would loose my child, but I guess I still looked at myself in the world's view.... "it won't happen to me." You may know what I'm talking about.

It did happen to me.

On the 2nd. of August, I was rushed to the hospital at 11:00pm. The blood clot had pulled away from the placenta, causing a partial placental abruption, which started a bleed that ended up becoming lethal. Not causing death to my son..... but a fast approaching death upon me.

The next day, on the 3rd. of August, I will NEVER forget. My doctor came into my room and sat at the end of my bed. She said that I had a condition called D.I.C. She said that we needed to deliver the placenta or I would be dead within the next twenty four hours. After the delivery, I still only had a 30% chance at survival.

Wow! How will I be able to live after loosing my precious son? My son was healthy and alive. Why would God have me go through this? I couldn't answer that question yet. I had to start the dreaded death sentence. I had three little boys to go home to. At this point.... I had lost a piece of my heart. All the hopes and dreams that I had for this little one..... buried.

I held my little boy as the beats of his heart slowed down to his last. I kept telling him how much I loved him, as I held his hand in mine. God gave me fifteen minutes. I am thankful for that little time that I had been blessed with. My little Isaiah got to begin life within me and end it within my arms.

Why did God allow this? Most of that question will have to wait until I get to heaven. My life has been transformed in so many ways. I have tried to focus on living a more wholesome and fulfilling life. The life that Isaiah didn't get to live. I want to be a better person because of his life, not worse.

That is the beginning of the walk that I have traveled in the last ten and a half months. Thank you for walking with me, and may we find God's grace through this journey together.

~Jenny~