An Angel Never Dies

An Angel Never Dies

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,

An Angel never dies.

(My blog friend Lea, had this poem posted on her blog. I thought that it was so touching, I wanted to post it to mine also.)

Fighting Through The Pain

MISSING YOU TONIGHT ISAIAH....

MY HEART IS BROKE....

PuRe JoY

          Ezekiel Isaiah Ross

          October 16, 2009

          6lbs. 7.8oz.

          18 3/4in.

          Born: 9:21a.m.

(Above are the stats that I never added to my last post)

Having Ezekiel has brought me so much joy. I just can't stop thanking the Lord for His miraculous gift. Jesus is Lord! It also has opened a new door of grief for me. A new loss of Isaiah. I already knew how great the loss was, but holding Ezekiel also brings back so many memories of the little time that I got to hold Isaiah. I was looking at his picture, like I do every day, and I fell apart. I miss him so badly. Isaiah and Ezekiel look so much alike. I am so heart broken for Isaiah. I look at his picture and tell him how sorry I am. I feel like the loss of him is all my fault. It was my body that shut down. I would have given anything in this world to save his life. I would have given up my legs for him. My husband sat and prayed for God to take him instead of Isaiah. I guess this is just another part of the journey that I will be taking the rest of my life. I will be taking some much needed time to myself. Please continue to pray for healing for myself and my family, as we continue to  mourn the loss of our son, brother, grandson and nephew.

*Jenny*

Introducing...

Ezekiel Isaiah Ross

                             God's Miracle

Mini Amnio Update

I had my amnio done on Friday. My doctor called me this afternoon with the results, and said that my amnio was borderline. Ezekiel's lungs aren't quite ready yet, but very close. So I will be having my c-section on Friday morning for sure.... if I don't go into labor before then. Please keep us in your prayers. 

Jenny

Thank You God... Thank You Isaiah

I had the neatest experience this morning. Today is my birthday. This is something that I would not ever announce to the world, but today is different. My day started out just like any other day. I got up early and got my boys and myself ready for church. It's been extremely rainy the last four days. Very gloomy outside.

Now if I could have anything in this whole wide world for a gift, I would ask for my Isaiah to be back in my arms. Not having him here on my birthday has been almost as bad as not having him here on his birthday. In a different sort of way. 

I shared my rainbow story quite awhile ago. (If you want to read about it, it is the post written on March 12, 2009.) The rainbow holds extreme significance to me when it comes to Isaiah. I believe that the day after I delivered Isaiah, God showed three different people rainbows to let me know that Isaiah was safe, and that the same thing would never happen to me again. When I see a rainbow, I feel like it's Isaiah's way of saying "Hi mom! I'm safe and I love you."  For the first couple of months after loosing Isaiah, I had never seen so many rainbows in my life! 

So far this year, I haven't seen one rainbow..... until today, that is. As my family and I were headed out of the driveway this morning to go to church, there was a gorgeous rainbow in the sky. The sun only came out for maybe three minutes. I was brought to tears. At that moment, I was consumed with the presence of the Lord. I felt Isaiah so strongly... as if he were in my arms. It was his way of saying "Happy Birthday Mom!"  That was the best present I could have gotten today.

Thank You God... Thank You Isaiah.

~Jenny~

My Journey

As most of you may have noticed, I don't write a whole lot on my blog anymore. I have gone through a heart wrenching year without my Isaiah. I've gone through every holiday without him and a little boy that was absent from his own birthday. When I started this blog it was to become my online journal through this journey without my precious son. I needed an outlet for my anger and sadness. I was able to do that, and was blessed with so many sweet caring baby loss mother's, who I now call... friend.

I was able to join "Walking With You" and share my journey at such a deeper level. I got to "dig" deep into the depths of loss. I was able to share each and every part of the loss of my son. From the day that I received the devastating news that I was going to loose Isaiah, how I felt after getting this news, was able to share about the birth of Isaiah and the moments that I will forever cherish after he was born, to share about my goodbye with Isaiah and experiencing the memorial service, how we chose his name and the meaning behind it, how I incorporate the memory of Isaiah into my life and family, and last but not least... what I think it will be like the day that I'm reunited with my precious son Isaiah in heaven. I want to thank Kelly Gerken whose blog is The Beauty Of Sufficient Grace.( You can visit her at     http://sufficientgrace-kelly.blogspot.com/  ) Thank you Kelly for your servants heart and taking the time to guide other hurting mother's in their own personal journey of loss. 

While dealing with the loss of Isaiah, God blessed me with the sweet little boy I currently carry in my womb. In the month of March, I was burdened with the horrible news that something was terribly wrong with the pregnancy. There was no heartbeat and then I was told that I was having a miscarriage when I had heavy bleeding the next day. Four days after that news, I went in for a check-up with my doctor....... and the little heart was beating! The baby was surrounded with blood and clots, and I was not given any good news. It was going to take a miracle for this baby to survive these circumstances. Eighteen weeks of many appointments and ultrasounds, I was told that I was a 100% normal. I had so much blood in my uterus, it took eighteen weeks for the blood to "exit,"  for me to claim my MIRACLE!!! I had so many prayers for me and this sweet baby and still do. I am thrilled to be able to introduce my Ezekiel Isaiah with all of you in a few weeks.

I know that I will come across some really hard days through this painful journey, and I plan on writing about those in the future. I just don't want to turn my blog into an everyday writing tablet. It was started with the main purpose of loosing Isaiah and I plan on keeping that the main focus. It's my heart, written down into words, shared with all. I still can't believe that I had to say goodbye to my little boy. It's a very raw pain. One that doesn't just heal because of time that has passed. I hold onto the hope that I will be with him once again. What a glorious day that will be.

Thank you for sharing Isaiah's life with me. God bless you all.

Love,

Jennifer Ross