Because Of You I Have Learned So Much

My little Isaiah,

From your life and death, my life has been turned inside out. My life has been taken from death to life. I learned and saw that life is so precious. Our lives are truly in Gods hands. Our every breath belongs to Him. We should put all our effort into putting good things out into this world. We should be praying and asking God what we should be doing with His day, the day that He has given us. I have opened my heart up to other people as well. I have looked at them as Gods child, and how much He loves them. He sent His only son Jesus for them too, not just me and the people I "like." I finally realize what a great gift God has given us through His only son. I can't imagine a love so great towards us, sinners, who don't come close to deserving salvation through the one who didn't have to die, for our chance at eternity. That is if we pray and ask Jesus to be our Lord and Savior. 

Through your short life, I want to make the rest of what I have left, worth something living for. You have changed my heart toward the way I see this world. There are people that live their lives as if they were already dead. I want to live my life in remembrance of life that you didn't get to live. 

I'm sure heaven is beyond anything that we have seen here on earth. When I get to heaven, I want you to show me everything that you have been doing with Jesus. I can't wait to be with you again! I love you so much my little Isaiah. 

You are missed,

Mommy

Being Carried By Jesus

I have really been thinking hard on what my next post should be about. I want to be a positive person and at the same time I remind myself that the number one reason for this blog was for me to get my feelings out. To share them with women who understand and know what I feel. I have been crying a lot for the last few days. I think it happens because I try to hold back the tears. I think I do it because I don't want to look like I am having a pity party for myself. I know people feel bad, and at the same time they don't know that the grief actually grows while time goes on. I guess I should say it does for me. Sometimes I have to just sit down and catch up to see where I am with my feelings. I try to hide it from others and at the same time I'm keeping them from myself. I feel like I am living and dying at the same time. If that makes any sense. As I go through each day there are little things that just set me off in my "tear" mode. This would be when my eyes well up with tears and then I realize that their are people around. Sometimes, I feel so full of anger, I just want to yell at the top of my lungs: "My son died!"  It just feels weird to keep going on with life. It is very hard for me to write about this next part. There is just a feeling of guilt that I walk around with. ( now my tears come pouring out ) I am really struggling with the fact that Isaiah had to die because they had to get the placenta out or I would die. Here we have this little boy, who is innocent and perfect, and has to come out of his mommy's warm belly and be put into the cold ground, because of a placenta that didn't implant right. I will never forget when my nurse gave me those four little pills to chew and swallow to start my labor. I cannot even begin to tell you the emotion that overtook my soul at that moment. Then they started pumping blood through two different IV lines (transfusions of blood) and another kind of medication to "help" get the dreadful "death" sentence on it's way. I apologize if I am getting to graphic, but this is what I think about on a daily basis. I am haunted by it. My mom was with me during my labor ( thank you mom, I love you) and I just remember crying out "I don't want to do this, I don't want him to die, I love him so much!!!!!!!!!"  I have prayed and asked God to give me something to put closure to my guilt. I know that Isaiah's life as well as my own, were in His hands that August night. God knew that this was going to happen before I had ever been placed in my own mothers womb. I love my children with everything that I am. They are my oxygen. The reason I get up in the morning and keep pressing on. God is my strength, peace, hope and love, my everything.  I can't imagine going through such a trial and not having the Lord as my rock. If I didn't choose to walk with Him daily, I would have nothing to offer. We are nothing without Jesus! Praise You Jesus.

Being Carried By Jesus,

Jennifer

Trust In A Nutshell

Today has been a hard day for me. I call these days my "reality" days. The reality that Isaiah is really gone and he's not coming back.  I try really hard each day to keep my faith strong, but every couple weeks I have my "reality" check. I have never had to do anything so hard in my life. I feel like everything is soooooo out of my control. Now this is where we come to the Trust In A Nutshell.

I was talking to my husband on the phone today about finances, and I'm sure you can figure out how well that went. lol. We were discussing our very "hurt" budget, and that's when I said, "it's easy to trust God when things are going good, but the real trust comes when things seem like they can't get any worse." Basically, you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Now after I had spoken that to my husband, I instantly realized that God was speaking to the both of us!!! My husband did not know what I had been feeling throughout the day, ohhhh but God did! God let me know at that moment, that I need to stay strong and keep my trust in Him. I want to choose to trust Him with my life. When life gets hard and my "reality" sets in, I want to have faith the size of a mustard seed and know without a doubt that Gods makes no mistakes, and I am living out His will. I want to TRUST Him.

                                                        Psalm 34:8

O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.

These Were My Dreams For You:

I had so many dreams for you Isaiah. I wanted to see you crawl and take your first step. Instead, I saw you take your first and last breath. I wanted to see your excitement as you had your birthday parties with your family and friends. Instead, your family and friends came to your burial and memorial. I wanted to see your eyes light up on Christmas morning. Instead, all that lit up was your Christmas ornament from the lights on the tree. I wanted to see you ride bikes with your brothers. Instead, I sit and watch your brothers playing outside together, and picture you running after them with a big grin on your face. You have been the greatest loss of my life. People will never realize the depth of my pain and sorrow. I have so much love for you, and you're not here for me to hold on to, rock to sleep, or tuck in at night. I have so much to give and I can't give it to you because you are not here with us. I pray and ask God to tell you how much we love you and miss you. I really pray that you can feel my love. My love for you grows every single day, even though you aren't here. That is real love, a love that can grow and grow from our souls. I believe that God allows us to keep that love "connection" no matter how far apart we are. I love you Isaiah, and I'm so thankful that God made you my son and me your mommy!

James 1:12
"God blesses the people who patiently endure testing. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him."

My Story: The loss of baby Isaiah

A handful of people know my story, and I am now ready to share the short version on my blog. The doctor had found a blood clot forming at 7 weeks in my uterus. It never stopped getting bigger, and on the 2nd. of August I was rushed to the hospital at 11pm. The clot had come out of me the next morning, which was HUGE. The doctor didn't think Isaiah would make it because the placenta would just keep bleeding after the clot had come off. A few hours later my doctor came in and sat on my bed and told me that he was well but I wasn't. I ended up having a condition called D.I.C.  My body was going to start clotting up and shutting down because my blood levels had gotten messed up due to the clot. They needed to get the placenta out as soon as possible and give me a blood transfusion to try to get my blood levels back to normal. Which meant that he was going to die because he was to little to survive. I had a 30% chance to live after the delivery. I had him at 8:45pm and he died in my arms at 9:02. At that moment I lost a part of me that I will never get back. A piece of my heart had died and it went with him to heaven. I ended up in surgery to have the placenta removed. A part of it had ended up growing into my uterus. They ended up giving me three more blood transfusions during surgery. After the surgery I was put in ICU all night. My doctor came in to check on me in the morning and sat on my bed with tears in her eyes. She said "we almost lost you last night." She had delivered my three other boys and we had become friends over the years, so this had been emotional for her as well. She said she has never given anyone that much blood in all her years of being a doctor. I am very thankful that I had made it through everything that had happened. I didn't go through all that I did, just to leave my three other boys motherless. Being a parent, you would die for your children in a second, and my son had to die so I could live. That is just crazy to me. I do know that God has a plan so big that I could not even begin to understand it in this lifetime. When I get to heaven I will understand it all, but until that day, I will lay my grief at the feet of the Lord and put my trust in Him.

My Family

My name is Jennifer and I am married to Christopher. I have four beautiful boys, which they would definitely not want to be called :) They would prefer the word handsome. My main purpose for this blog is my way of having an online journal. To be able to put all of my pain and joy into words. "They" say that you feel a lot better when you can write your thoughts out, you get a certain kind of healing from it. I'm hoping to also be able to find some women to talk to that have gone through the same kind of loss that I have.
My husband and I lost our precious son, Isaiah Christopher, on August 3, 2008. It has been five months and I am just beside myself with the fact that he is really gone. I watch my three other boys and realize the loss. They are blessings from God that is for sure! The one thing that I am not going to do is ever lose hope! I know that he is with the Lord and he's happy. There is no hurt where he is. We are the ones that hurt. I named my blog "His Grace Is Sufficient," because there is no way that I would be able to get through the day without Gods grace pouring over me. It says in
2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
My daily focus is to look at what God has allowed in my life, and how can I bring Him the glory out of it. How can I take the loss of Isaiah's life and bring something beautiful out of it. Now as I log off, I will take that and focus on my children, family and friends, and everyone else that I come into contact with today, and see how I can make a difference in each life. Until next time.......

God Bless
Jennifer