Broken

The last couple of days I have been an absolute mess. I did have some friends e-mail me to make sure that I was okay. I had a post up titled "I'm done with this abuse," and then decided to remove it and deal with my problem privately. I'm not going to go into great detail, but there are some family problems right now, and I am completely hurt. Broken. How can people judge you, when in reality, they don't fully know you? I'm talking about the deep depths of my heart. My life behind closed walls. Finances. Deciding to stay home with your children, and struggle to make ends meet, because you just can't stomach the thought of a complete stranger taking care of your precious children. I call this sacrifice. Me giving up things I want in this world, so that I can raise my children in the way that they should go. I guess when you're walking in the light, the darkness has to come sometime.

People that are supposed to be supporting you, keep talking behind your back, just as if you don't have any feelings. Even stretching their toes beyond my boundary, and joking around about what I write on my blog. This has seriously hit me hard. What a low blow.

Yesterday, I laid on my couch in my pajamas and robe and cried. I would stop for a little while, then tears would quietly run down the side of my cheek onto the pillow I was resting on.

Tonight, I was talking on the phone with one of my friends and telling her about what happened when I was at Wal-Mart with the boys..... Devon asked if we could go and look at the Halloween costumes, though I was in a hurry to get back home, I gave into his plea of excitement. We walked up to the costumes, and this little boy whom we did not know, started to show us the costumes that he really liked. He must have been about four years old by the looks of his height and speech. There was no mother or father in the area. He continued to point out all of the famous hero costumes, Batman, Hulk, and Star Wars. Any person passing by, would assume that the little boy was with us..... Then, a girl around the age of twelve came running towards the little boy, and said "come on Isaiah, I'm ready." He waved a cheerful good-bye and off they went............. My heart sank, and broke into a million little pieces. I turned around and watched them run away. For a split second, I felt as though God gave me just a few moments with Isaiah, and then reality hit. I could have fell apart right on that floor. I just started to walk. Walk off the tears. I turned down an aisle, and as I turned the corner, a picture covered in words talking about life, was colored with all of the colors of the rainbow.......

I do believe that Isaiah is with me........ sometimes, I just want to hold him so bad. Kiss and hug him. Cradle him in my arms. It's a hurt that can't be described. An aching that lingers.......

And leaves you broken.