My Dad and I on Father's Day

Here is my dad and I on Father's Day. I got this picture e-mailed a little late, but that's ok:) I love you dad!

Waiting

 

We continue our journey, with the waiting. If you are unfamiliar with this journey, click on the button above. 

~Waiting~

After I found out that I was going to loose my son, it's hard to describe what I was feeling. In some of my very old posts, I had put a lot of detail into these feelings. I'm going to copy and paste some of those feelings.

Here is part of an older post on January 22, 2009:

 There is just a feeling of guilt that I walk around with. ( now my tears come pouring out ) I am really struggling with the fact that Isaiah had to die because they had to get the placenta out or I would die. Here we have this little boy, who is innocent and perfect, and has to come out of his mommy's warm belly and be put into the cold ground, because of a placenta that didn't implant right. I will never forget when my nurse gave me those four little pills to chew and swallow to start my labor. I cannot even begin to tell you the emotion that overtook my soul at that moment. Then they started pumping blood through two different IV lines (transfusions of blood) and another kind of medication to "help" get the dreadful "death" sentence on it's way. I apologize if I am getting to graphic, but this is what I think about on a daily basis. I am haunted by it. My mom was with me during my labor ( thank you mom, I love you) and I just remember crying out "I don't want to do this, I don't want him to die, I love him so much!!!!!!!!!"  

I remember feeling at such a loss. To basically be told, "it's either one or both of you." That's not how my doctor spoke to me, she was the most loving and caring doctor. As I kept questioning the whole induction, that is what everyone would keep reminding me. It just seems so inhumane, to have a mother go through such a soul crushing trial. I didn't think that  I would ever be faced with such a heartbreak as this. 

During the whole induction and waiting to be told that I could push my precious son out, I never had any hate towards God. I didn't really have time to sit and be angry, but somewhere deep down inside, I knew that God was holding me, and soon after, my son for eternity..........

~Jenny~

Walking With You

I have joined in on a special journey. A journey that can be very lonely and even depressing. I am walking with the other mother's who have had to say goodbye to their child(ren) way to soon. It's a walk that doesn't have to be walked alone. Please join us on this journey. Click on the button above to get all of the details. 

~The Beginning Of MY Journey~

With three other boys at home, I know how precious life is. My children are my everything. It's my job to take care of and protect these fragile lives.

August 3, 2008 was the start of a new journey in my life.

From seven weeks to nineteen and a half weeks of pregnancy, I had a huge blood clot that was forming in my uterus. It was over three fourths of my placenta. I knew that there was a possibility that I would loose my child, but I guess I still looked at myself in the world's view.... "it won't happen to me." You may know what I'm talking about. 

It did happen to me. 

On the 2nd. of August, I was rushed to the hospital at 11:00pm. The blood clot had pulled away from the placenta, causing a partial placental abruption, which started a bleed that ended up becoming lethal. Not causing death to my son..... but a fast approaching death upon me.

The next day, the 3rd. of August, I will NEVER forget. My doctor came into my room and sat at the end of my bed. She said that I had a condition called D.I.C. She said that we needed to deliver the placenta or I would be dead within the next twenty four hours. After the delivery, I still only had a 30% chance at survival.  

Wow! How will I be able to live after loosing my precious son? My son was healthy and alive. Why would God have me go through this? I couldn't answer that question yet. I had to start the dreaded death sentence. I had three little boys to go home to. At this point.... I had lost a piece of my heart. All the hopes and dreams that I had for this little one..... buried.

I held my little boy as the beats of his heart slowed down to his last. I kept telling him how much I loved him as I held his hand in mine. God gave me fifteen minutes. I am thankful for that little time that I was blessed with. My little Isaiah got to begin life within me and end it within my arms.

Why did God allow this? Most of that question will have to wait until I get to heaven. My life has been transformed in so many ways. I have tried to focus on living a more wholesome and fulfilling life, the life that Isaiah didn't get to live. I want to be a better person because of  his life, not worse. 

That is the beginning of the walk that I have traveled in the last ten and a half months. Thank you for walking with me, and may we find God's grace through this journey together.

~Jenny~ 

Growing Miracle

Here is a picture that my eight year old son took of me today. I am almost twenty weeks pregnant. As you can see...... Ezekiel is getting very big. Praise God! To me, this picture represents God's miracles. Thank you for praying for us.

~Jenny~

:) I'm Normal...Praise God :)

Not 95 % normal anymore..... I'm 100 % normal now! Praise the Lord!! I had my checkup today, and another ultrasound. Little Ezekiel is healthy and perfect, and the bleeding has completely healed up. I will continue to take it easy the rest of this pregnancy, just to be on the safe side.

My doctor told me that she had a meeting with the other doctors in the office about what is going to be the safest way to deliver this baby and keep me safe at the same time. This c-section will be considered my fifth one, because their counting Devon and Parker as two, being pregnant with Isaiah three(the stretching of the old scar through the pregnancy), and the D&C after delivering Isaiah number four. Four c-sections is the safe limit, and each time you go over that, there is more of a chance for problems.  They all agreed on an amniocentesis when I am 36 weeks and delivering him a day or two after. This will be done a month early if the amniocentesis shows that his longs are mature.

My doctor said that they do not want me going into labor on my own and showing up at 2:00 in the morning without the proper doctor's there to help. I also think that it will be one less month of stretching the old c-section scar, making it even more unsafe as I get further along in my pregnancy. 

She said that there will be herself and another OB doctor helping her with the surgery, O.R. doctors on hand and a bunch of other people which will be playing a role in helping out if things get really bad. She said that there is a 90% chance that everything will go just fine, but we have to be prepared. She probably could see the fear that was starting to show on my face. 

I am scared, but I know that fear will not keep me safe. So I will continue in prayer. Prayer, prayer and more prayer. I would really appreciate prayer to be focused on a safe delivery now, and when the doctor performs the amniocentesis. Of course, we will not stop thanking the Lord for all of the miracles He has already performed in this pregnancy.

(Blog friends)Thank you so much for being here for me and praying with me. You all have been a true blessing in my life. I thank God for all of you.

Love,

Jenny

Picture Of You

I have this sweet picture of you,

it sits on my stand.

I look at it daily,

wondering what you would have been.

I'll have to wait until that sweet day of glory,

to wrap you in my arms,

and cover you with hugs and kisses.

Until that sweet day...

I will hold you in my arms,

and cover you with hugs and kisses.

I have this sweet picture of you,

it sits on my stand.

~I love you Isaiah~

Jennifer Ross

("Wrap" you in my arms, represents physically holding Isaiah in heaven, "hold" you in my arms, represents the picture of Isaiah)