The Sea of Grief

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. This week we are talking about the early days of grief. Click on the button in my sidebar, "Walking With You," to get more information.

The Beginning Of My Journey

When I first got home from the hospital, I was so weak, I sat on my couch as soon as I walked through the door. It only took a few minutes for me to realize that I had sat in that same spot waiting for the ambulance to get to my house a few nights prior to this great loss. That was the last spot in my home that I would hold my little boy... in mommy's tummy. I lost it. How in the world was I going to go on in life?

That first night at home, my husband helped me get the boys to bed, and then he crashed out on the couch about fifteen minutes later. I remember sitting at the end of my bed looking out my window. I had to figure a way to change what happened. I started going through everything in my head, and figure out a way to save Isaiah's life. I came so close to calling my doctor at her house and letting her know how we can "change" what happened. I had only been a CRAZY WOMAN that first night. I told my mom about it the next day. I look back, and realize that I should not have been alone that first night.

After a few days of being home, I started to pack up all of my maternity clothes. I couldn't stand looking at them! I would have done it sooner, but I couldn't barely stand. Let me remind you, I almost bleed to death, and had around sixteen units of blood given to me. It was a miracle that I was still alive, and I'm at home packing a garbage bag full of clothes. That's how much I didn't want to see them.

I had to be very careful around my children for a long time. I don't know how many times a day that I would go and lock myself in my bathroom and cry. I didn't wank my boys to see me crying all of the time. There were many times that I just couldn't hold it back, and they still would see me crying. Doing the dishes, laundry, driving in the car, etc.

A lot of people would ask me how I was doing. I would just say fine. I think if I replied, " I just want to die sometimes," I probably would have had a lot more attention than I wanted. I didn't want to talk to anyone, unless they had buried a child. There were two women at the time that I knew had shared in the same loss. I felt "normal" around them. I walked with one of them at the cemetery a couple months after loosing Isaiah. It was a blessing to just walk and talk with someone that was just like me. So much changes in your life, you become a "new" person. I was able to share my feelings, without being told that Isaiah was in heaven and happy. I already knew where Isaiah was. I didn't need to have it repeated over and over again. I needed to have someone just listen, and not say anything.

To end my post on early grief, I would just say, please don't tell me your sorry that I loss my baby. If you lost a child who was of an older age, I wouldn't say, "I'm sorry that you loss your teenager." You would have loss your son/daughter. I loss my son. A little boy that would have ran around with his brother's, rode bikes, ate pizza, played baseball, needed his boo boos to be kissed, blew out birthday candles, opened Christmas presents, went to his first day of Kindergarten, and would have run up to me and wrapped his arms around my legs saying, " I love you mommy." The loss is endless.