Walking With You.... Sibling Grief

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. This week we are talking about sibling grief/the next pregnancy. Click on the button in my sidebar, "Walking With You," to get more information.

Having to have my three children brought up to my hospital room to be told that their brother died was heart wrenching. I told them that mommy got really sick and Isaiah wasn't strong enough to "make it." I didn't know what else to say. Isaiah wasn't sick. He was a fighter through all of the problems in my pregnancy, and I refused to take that from him. The kids never knew what "sick" really accounted for. You can't explain to young children about blood clots, D.I.C., blood transfusions and almost bleeding to death. They know that I almost died, because of the comments that others would say around them. These people should have been more careful. When I do get sick, I don't want the kids to worry that something bad is going to happen to me again. So I have used this to "show" the kids how God had a big plan for Isaiah's life and that the Lord still wants me here with them so I can take care of them. That seemed to do the trick, for that fear anyway.

I would have to say that out of all three boys, my youngest son, Parker, has had the most difficult time with the loss. My friend that was taking care of the kids at the time, said that when she was driving them home from the hospital, Parker had huge tears rolling down his cheeks, repeating over and over, "why did they take my baby?" That broke my heart. I wish that I could have held him when he needed me. I wish the children didn't have to wait until they are adults to really understand what really happened. It would put a lot of closure to all of their unanswered questions. I guess that you could call it an "open/raw pain."

A couple of months after the loss, I had brought Parker home from school, and I asked him what sounded good for lunch. He didn't answer. So I kept calling for him, and a minute later, I found him laying on the floor, between the coffee table and couch. He was holding Isaiah's picture and quietly crying. His little heart ached for his brother. What could I do? I told him how much Isaiah loves him and that he is right here with us, even though we can't "see" him. I told him that he could give Isaiah a kiss on his picture. That seemed to help. He did that for quite awhile.

We will never stop speaking of Isaiah. He is as much a part of this family, as anyone else in this home. We talk about him every single day. I am very serious when I write, EVERY SINGLE DAY. On Thanksgiving, a special candle was lit and placed in the middle of the dinner table. On Christmas, he has ornaments and a blue stocking under the tree. On his birthday, my friend got him an angel bear that sings "Jesus loves me," I lit his special candle, had a poem put in the newspaper, I made a cake, we took balloons to his grave and we even put a couple of hot wheel cars on his stone. That is my little boy forever. I will never stop including him. I know all to well, the way the world looks at me when I do these things for him. I really don't care what anyone else "thinks." After they have had to walk what I have, then they are more than welcome to share their opinions. I may sound angry, but I do have to say that I get really sick and tired of hearing others opinions/concerns. It can be a real "slap in the face." I don't need advice on how to raise my boys that are alive and with me, and I surely don't need the advice on how to mother my child who has passed. I'm the one who has to live with the loss every single day.

Six months after the passing of Isaiah, my husband and I had a little one on the way. We were all thrilled! I was extremely scared that something bad was going to happen in that pregnancy. You never look at life the same way as before. I was told that the problems that occurred in my last pregnancy were a fluke. That wasn't the case. Something was not right in my uterus. We don't know what it is. The only guess, scare tissue. After two weeks, I started having problems when I was pregnant with Ezekiel. It had been the same issues that I had in my pregnancy with Isaiah. My children started to ask the question, " is this baby going to die too?" Half way through the pregnancy, the blood clots had cleared, and the bleeding had stopped. I delivered a healthy little boy in October 2009.

On some of the days following Isaiah's death, I barely got through each hour. I truly don't think that I could have said good bye to another child. God has done a miracle in my last pregnancy, and I will never stop giving Him the glory that is His.

We will continue to cling to the Lord through the great loss of our Isaiah. God is in control. After all... "He's got the whole world in His hands."

~Jenny~