A Dream.....hanging on

It's been over a year since I've had a dream of Isaiah.

Last night, I finally held him in my dreams. It wasn't good though. It was plain torture to my soul.

In my dream, I remember holding him in my arms, very close to my body. Just as a mother cradles her child with love and transmits a shield of protection, I carried him. The worst part, he was not alive. He was beautiful and peaceful looking, just as he was in the hospital, when I was able to hold him and spend time telling him how much I loved him.

During the dream, I had to keep hiding. I remember walking from one room to another. A man was coming to take him and bury him.*tears* It was horrible. I couldn't let the man take him.

I made myself wake up after the man had found me. I just couldn't bare the thought of walking away from him again.

I've never been able to let go. I'm still trying to wake myself from this living nightmare.

I'm still hanging on.......

Isaiah's 2nd. Birthday Slidshow

Below, is the slideshow that I put together for Isaiah's 2nd. birthday. The song that I had chosen for Isaiah's slidshow, was one of the three songs that was played at his memorial.

The first time that I had heard this song, was at my children's Vacation Bible School. I was 19 weeks pregnant with Isaiah. I remember sitting down, and watching the video for the song and the children singing along. As I watched, my eyes filled with tears. It was so beautiful.

I have a very hard time listening to it though. While sitting in a chair, waiting for VBS to start, I looked over at my friend, and told her how much I hate being pregnant. The reasoning behind this...... my body basically shuts down every time I'm pregnant. It seems as though I can't walk, sleep, or do anything normal. On top of all the health problems that I was having in my pregnancy with Isaiah, I had a terrible head and chest cold. In misery, I spoke on how much I hated being pregnant...... Less than one week later, my precious son was gone.....

I don't believe that I will ever live down my negative words spoken that day..... I took the joy and blessing of pregnancy for granted, and for that, I will never be the same.

(Before watching the slideshow, be sure and pause the playlist on the bottom.)

This photo slideshow made with Smilebox

Calling For Him

I remember as a child loving every bit of Halloween. I would count down the days, because I couldn't wait to get my share of candy. Dressing up was fun, but that was my duty as a child. If you wanted the candy, you'd better be wearing something that took a little effort into making.... thanks mom! She did the work, I ate the sugar.

Nowadays, I really couldn't care less about Halloween. I really enjoy watching my boys have a great time and show me all of their sugar.... thanks to all my hard work (lol), but it's just different now.


I got everyone loaded up and ready to go....

We walked around, loaded up on the sugar....

The boys were almost done trick-or-treating, and then it happened......

A young mother called for her child that was taking off in the wrong direction. She called for him......"Isaiah......" I turned and looked. He must have been about two years old.

My chest started to slowly get tight,
My eyes began to blur through tears,
My heart pounded in my chest, as I bit down on the back molars in my mouth.


When I became a mother, one of my greatest fears, was loosing a child. It terrified me. Made me sick to think about. Now, it's my reality. A living nightmare.

With the loss of Isaiah,

Everything changed.

My life changed.

My thoughts changed.

Who I was changed.

Who I became.

Who I am.

I'll have my turn someday. I'll be walking with all my boys down a street made of gold, calling for him......."Isaiah......."

Beauty In The Storm

On the 26th., we had some major weather conditions where I live.

When I went to go and pick up my boys from school, the sun peeked out for a few minutes. My mind starts doing it's awesome mathematical smartness. lol

Sun + Rain = Rainbow

I start to look around for, "The Rainbow." lol

After I almost rear end the vehicle in front of me, I decide that maybe I'm a little out of control with the whole rainbow thing. lol

I give up on the search and continue home. I'm not going to lie though, I kept peeking a little bit out the side windows....... Hi, my name is Jenny, and I'm addicted to rainbows. hehehehe

Anyway, I get inside my home, and my phone rings.

"Hi Jen, do you see it?"......

"Where is it?!" I ask with a huge smile on my face and joyous laughter filling the room.

I walk out my front door, and there it is. Standing there with my camera in hand and the rain pouring over me, I snap the shot of the rainbow that you see at the top of this post.

This is what God can do with your pain. In the storms of life, He is still in control. When you're looking for an answer and searching for hope, He is creating beauty in the storm. He's forming it for His timing. He will show you.

Sometimes, all you need to do is walk out your front door.

One Year Ago, Today....... Happy Birthday Ezekiel!

It's your birthday today. A year of achievements..... first smile, rolling over, sitting, crawling, walking, saying a couple of words, waving "hi" and "bye," and of course, waking me up EVERY single night since you have been born! lol

When I reflect on the past year, I can't help, but be taken back to the nine months of my pregnancy with you. I'll never forget seeing the pink positive line on my pregnancy test. With excitement and fear entangled as one, I called everyone I knew. We were having another baby!

Ezekiel, until you're older, you may not realize what a true miracle you are. At five weeks pregnant, my body started to fight what God had knit in my belly. I started to bleed and have the same problems that had taken place with your brother, Isaiah. To say that I was terrified, would be an understatement.

I went in for an ultrasound, and there was no heartbeat to be found. My heart sunk. My soul was crushed. Why?.....

The next day, because of the amount of bleeding, daddy took me to the E.R. They told me that I was miscarrying.

On the drive home, I could feel life inside of me. I could feel that you were still hanging on. I would NOT give up on you! I refused. I prayed with power from the depths of my being, a prayer of a mother that just can't say goodbye to another child.

GOD HEARD.

GOD ANSWERED.

People throughout the world began to pray. On their knees. In the morning. Throughout the day. At bedtime. Spreading the word.

You began to grow. Kick. Suck your thumb.

The blood clots began to go away.




We found out that we were having another little boy. How wonderful!



Each week, I got to watch my belly grow.



On the morning of October 16, 2009, we were preparing for your birth. I had this weight on my shoulders, full of fear. Fear of death. Is my child going to be born alive? Is my body going to be able to handle another birth? Another surgery. I pray unceasingly.



At 9:21 a.m., you take your first breath of life...... I exhale the cloud of death that consumed my thoughts, and took my first breath of hope.



You are our sweet angel.



My rainbow.



You have brought this family so much joy. Happiness. Laughs.



You are not a replacement for the loss of your brother. You are a beautiful addition to our family.

God took my broken heart. My broken dreams........ and filled my arms.

Thank you God.

You ARE good!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY :o) Ezekiel Isaiah Ross :o)

I love you.

National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

~With an aching heart, tear filled eyes and empty arms, your candle was lit today~


Our love for you is immeasurable. You have been the greatest loss of our lives. Until we meet again...

Parker's Prayer

Tonight, as the boys were about to eat their snack, Parker requested to say the prayer. I told him to go ahead and start the prayer. He asked me how we start it, and I told him, "Dear Heavenly Father."

In his five year old voice, this was his prayer:


" Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this food we're eating, please we have a good day tomorrow, and thank you for Ezekiel, and please Isaiah is having a good time in heaven, and thank you for Mom and Devon and Caleb,".........

I don't remember anything after that. I was thinking of what Isaiah was doing in heaven and all of the beauty that surrounds him.

I'll bet he was looking down from heaven with a huge grin on his face saying, " I love you too brother," in his little boy voice.