One Year Ago, Today....... Happy Birthday Ezekiel!

It's your birthday today. A year of achievements..... first smile, rolling over, sitting, crawling, walking, saying a couple of words, waving "hi" and "bye," and of course, waking me up EVERY single night since you have been born! lol

When I reflect on the past year, I can't help, but be taken back to the nine months of my pregnancy with you. I'll never forget seeing the pink positive line on my pregnancy test. With excitement and fear entangled as one, I called everyone I knew. We were having another baby!

Ezekiel, until you're older, you may not realize what a true miracle you are. At five weeks pregnant, my body started to fight what God had knit in my belly. I started to bleed and have the same problems that had taken place with your brother, Isaiah. To say that I was terrified, would be an understatement.

I went in for an ultrasound, and there was no heartbeat to be found. My heart sunk. My soul was crushed. Why?.....

The next day, because of the amount of bleeding, daddy took me to the E.R. They told me that I was miscarrying.

On the drive home, I could feel life inside of me. I could feel that you were still hanging on. I would NOT give up on you! I refused. I prayed with power from the depths of my being, a prayer of a mother that just can't say goodbye to another child.

GOD HEARD.

GOD ANSWERED.

People throughout the world began to pray. On their knees. In the morning. Throughout the day. At bedtime. Spreading the word.

You began to grow. Kick. Suck your thumb.

The blood clots began to go away.




We found out that we were having another little boy. How wonderful!



Each week, I got to watch my belly grow.



On the morning of October 16, 2009, we were preparing for your birth. I had this weight on my shoulders, full of fear. Fear of death. Is my child going to be born alive? Is my body going to be able to handle another birth? Another surgery. I pray unceasingly.



At 9:21 a.m., you take your first breath of life...... I exhale the cloud of death that consumed my thoughts, and took my first breath of hope.



You are our sweet angel.



My rainbow.



You have brought this family so much joy. Happiness. Laughs.



You are not a replacement for the loss of your brother. You are a beautiful addition to our family.

God took my broken heart. My broken dreams........ and filled my arms.

Thank you God.

You ARE good!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY :o) Ezekiel Isaiah Ross :o)

I love you.

National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

~With an aching heart, tear filled eyes and empty arms, your candle was lit today~


Our love for you is immeasurable. You have been the greatest loss of our lives. Until we meet again...

Parker's Prayer

Tonight, as the boys were about to eat their snack, Parker requested to say the prayer. I told him to go ahead and start the prayer. He asked me how we start it, and I told him, "Dear Heavenly Father."

In his five year old voice, this was his prayer:


" Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this food we're eating, please we have a good day tomorrow, and thank you for Ezekiel, and please Isaiah is having a good time in heaven, and thank you for Mom and Devon and Caleb,".........

I don't remember anything after that. I was thinking of what Isaiah was doing in heaven and all of the beauty that surrounds him.

I'll bet he was looking down from heaven with a huge grin on his face saying, " I love you too brother," in his little boy voice.

Confused

There are so many feelings to carry after the loss of a child. I want to get better, and I just can't seem to find the path out of this consuming weight on my shoulders. I don't want to feel this "yuck" anymore. Being human, I'm afraid that there is no way out. I know that God helps me, but am I not willing to give it all for Him to carry? Am I suppose to? I really don't know. Am I one of those "off the wall cases," were a bereaved mother consumes her life with her loss. Is this wrong? Seriously. I really don't know what to do anymore.

Maybe, it's the guilt.

Maybe, it's the missing of a little sweet soul.

Maybe, it's the piece of my heart sliced away.....

ripped....

torn....

torn from a loving mother, wanting only the best for her children, and not being able to put the pieces back together again.

I want to put my life together, make it whole. I just can't complete a task that doesn't have all the parts to work back in as one.

How do you put a puzzle together, when you're missing a piece?

To Trust

I sit here and ponder my purpose in life. I believe that God has put us here to bring Him glory. Sometimes, I need to remind myself that. Like when I get into my 'Nobody is going to hurt Jenny Ross again' mood. I fear having to go through more pain in this life, and that's why I have slowly built my invisible brick wall of protection. I already know who my Protector is. So why do I fear so much all of the time? I don't know. I know by doing this, I take glory away from God, because I'm trying to do it myself.

Lately, things have been pretty "rough" for me. I have had to deal with so many problems, that I slowly lost focus on the road in which I was traveling. Not doing anything shameful. I just didn't hand my problems over to God, and go smiling along with my day. Handing it ALL over. That's really putting trust in my Father.

To trust. It seems to be my survival during major times in my life. Which is what the Father requires of His children. To take Him by the hand, and willfully follow where He leads. That's the road I want to be on. To trust. No matter how things may appear.

In Memory, We Celebrate

NOTE: This picture was taken on Isaiah's second birthday, August 3, 2010. I just thought maybe the way I wrote this post up, it seemed as though we had just celebrated it. I've wanted to share the pictures with all of you, but I really wanted to do it through a slide show. Hope to make one soon:)

I really want to put together a slide show of Isaiah's birthday. I just do not have the time right now. I decided to post this picture for now. If it was given a title, I would title it, 'In Memory, We Celebrate'.

I made a cake for little Isaiah, just as I do for all of my boys. I used colored sprinkles and made rainbows on the top corners of the cake. I put two blue candles in the middle of the cake to represent two years in heaven, and I added four star candles off to the sides, just to add some character to the cake. While we were singing "Happy Birthday," two of the star candles went out. The green and yellow stars. I like to believe that my little Isaiah was looking down that night.