This evening was it. My breakdown. It got me real good. It hurt real bad. I felt it coming, and quietly got up out of my rocking chair, carrying Ezekiel, and went in my bedroom, shut the door, and wept on the end of my bed. In the dark. My window blinds were slightly opened, and I just stared out into the dark woods, covered with white snow. The wind was ripping through the trees. I had a warm baby in my arms... a fragile life. He just slept in my arms as my tears were running down my face, some landing on his cheeks. I got flashbacks of Isaiah dieing in my arms. Each heartbeat, slowing down. Each breath, slowly taken. Then taken from his mommy's arms. Then placed in a box. Then placed in the ground. In the cold dark ground. I hate this. I hurt so bad. I don't know why this happened. I feel like I can't breathe. I love all of my boys so much. I miss him so bad. It's not right. Sometimes, I just don't want to feel anymore. When days like this hit me, well, I'm not even going to finish that statement. I hurt so bad right now. My heart aches to hold him. To kiss him. To gently rub my cheek against his. To whisper, I love you.
I love you Isaiah.... whispered tonight...
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I've Been Thinking
Over the last few days, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the last post that I had written. I only had good intentions when I chose to go and get Isaiah's name, birth/death date and rainbow imprinted in my skin FOREVER. I was not putting anything evil or degrading on my body. So I don't really think that it was a terrible thing to do. It did get me thinking though. I do pray that I didn't disappoint the Lord. My bad attitude in my last post was probably a lot more disappointing to Him, than the tattoo. I want to make sure that I am representing Christ always. So with that being said, I apologize if I came off a bit to blunt. I'm sorry. The truth is, the pain of getting that tattoo, doesn't even come close to the pain that is torn in and out of my soul every day. I just don't want anyone to forget my son.
Tonight, I sign out in tears...
Tonight, I sign out in tears...
Saturday, January 23, 2010
No Regrets Here.
I have done some deep thinking and praying over the last two days. Yes, over the tattoo. I am angry about the judgment out of some of you. The people, I have come to call, friend. How can anybody sit and judge another person? I do believe that there is only One holy... Jesus. That would mean, yes, you are a sinner too. Sorry to tell you that, but we all fall at the same level. Sinners. Saved by grace. Saved by the cross. Saved by Jesus.
If you tend to judge me and my inking, well, you better sit down for this one. I had the sun tattoo on my back the whole time that you have been talking to me, throughout this last year in blog land. oops... I got it when I was seventeen years old too. Without my parents permission! oops... Yup, I'm a sinner. Saved by grace. Saved by the cross. Saved by Jesus.
I had chosen a sun, because I was referred by some, as "Sunshine." So, I got a sunshine as my trademark. Stupid, maybe. It's there though. Forever. So with that said, I decided to add a rainbow with my little boys name and birth/death date. I thought about it over and over, for the last eighteen months. I thought about the pros and cons of it. The good, outweighed the bad, to me. The good, I get to share my son. The bad, he's gone. No regrets here. Sorry.
My back tells a story. A story that is to hard to talk about, in the store, street, church, or any where for that matter. It says, "Isaiah was here"... and loved so much that I would spend an excruciating two hours, with the feeling of a butcher knife going through my skin, over and over. No regrets here. Sorry.
Some food for thought... How do we as people, represent Christ, if we call ourselves, "Christians," and sit and judge people? From my personal experience, people who don't want anything to do with "God," are the ones that are disgusted by us, the Christians. Yes, we are supposed to represent Christ, always, BUT, with love. What does the bible say about love? If you are one that can sit and judge others, along with the judgment of me, than you would be very educated on the Bible, and know what it has to say about love. You will touch a lot more lives by loving, than you will by judging.
I was treated unfairly yesterday, cheated out of something, because of my "inked-up-back." I'm sure this person didn't want others to see that she talks with me, a sinner. hmmmmm? Not what I would call, "Christian."
If anyone could really see Jennifer Lynn Ross, the way God does, they would see:
A young woman trying not to become like the world... going under the knife, and transforming her body to fit in...
A young mother who cried out to God for mercy, when the doctor found a brain tumor in her six year old sons head... who watched him be wheeled away through double doors, not knowing if she would ever speak to him again... hold him again, but still trusted her Father.
A young mother who had to give birth to her healthy son early, just to die in her arms, so she could live... but sill trusts in her Father.
A young mother who faced the same horrifying hemorrhage in her uterus, with another pregnancy, another child, but still trusted her Father... cried out to Him for mercy, prayed daily on her knees, for relief from the pain.
A mother who prays with her boys when they wake up in the morning.
A mother who tells her children to pray over their breakfast, lunch and dinner. Even snacks.
A mother who reads a devotion and prays with her children, before bed.
A mother who quietly checks on her boys after they have fallen asleep, and kisses them one more time. Makes sure that their warm enough. Lays her hands on them, and asks a little prayer over each of them to be blessed throughout their lives. Thanks God for them. She trusts her Father, to keep her children safe.
A woman who gets on her knees and prays for some of you out in blog land, for your prayer requests. For God to have mercy in your lives. To lighten up the load of grief in your hearts.
A woman who thanks God for each of you.
A woman who goes to bed very late, just to catch up with your blogs, because she cares. She loves.
A woman who goes to bed feeling completely empty, because she has given herself to everyone, but doesn't care, because she got to give and show love.
A woman who is dying deep inside, but chooses to trust her Father. Believes that He has the greatest plan for her life. Why, because He loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me. No matter what...
A sinner. Saved by grace. Saved by the cross. Saved by Jesus.
No regrets here.
If you tend to judge me and my inking, well, you better sit down for this one. I had the sun tattoo on my back the whole time that you have been talking to me, throughout this last year in blog land. oops... I got it when I was seventeen years old too. Without my parents permission! oops... Yup, I'm a sinner. Saved by grace. Saved by the cross. Saved by Jesus.
I had chosen a sun, because I was referred by some, as "Sunshine." So, I got a sunshine as my trademark. Stupid, maybe. It's there though. Forever. So with that said, I decided to add a rainbow with my little boys name and birth/death date. I thought about it over and over, for the last eighteen months. I thought about the pros and cons of it. The good, outweighed the bad, to me. The good, I get to share my son. The bad, he's gone. No regrets here. Sorry.
My back tells a story. A story that is to hard to talk about, in the store, street, church, or any where for that matter. It says, "Isaiah was here"... and loved so much that I would spend an excruciating two hours, with the feeling of a butcher knife going through my skin, over and over. No regrets here. Sorry.
Some food for thought... How do we as people, represent Christ, if we call ourselves, "Christians," and sit and judge people? From my personal experience, people who don't want anything to do with "God," are the ones that are disgusted by us, the Christians. Yes, we are supposed to represent Christ, always, BUT, with love. What does the bible say about love? If you are one that can sit and judge others, along with the judgment of me, than you would be very educated on the Bible, and know what it has to say about love. You will touch a lot more lives by loving, than you will by judging.
I was treated unfairly yesterday, cheated out of something, because of my "inked-up-back." I'm sure this person didn't want others to see that she talks with me, a sinner. hmmmmm? Not what I would call, "Christian."
If anyone could really see Jennifer Lynn Ross, the way God does, they would see:
A young woman trying not to become like the world... going under the knife, and transforming her body to fit in...
A young mother who cried out to God for mercy, when the doctor found a brain tumor in her six year old sons head... who watched him be wheeled away through double doors, not knowing if she would ever speak to him again... hold him again, but still trusted her Father.
A young mother who had to give birth to her healthy son early, just to die in her arms, so she could live... but sill trusts in her Father.
A young mother who faced the same horrifying hemorrhage in her uterus, with another pregnancy, another child, but still trusted her Father... cried out to Him for mercy, prayed daily on her knees, for relief from the pain.
A mother who prays with her boys when they wake up in the morning.
A mother who tells her children to pray over their breakfast, lunch and dinner. Even snacks.
A mother who reads a devotion and prays with her children, before bed.
A mother who quietly checks on her boys after they have fallen asleep, and kisses them one more time. Makes sure that their warm enough. Lays her hands on them, and asks a little prayer over each of them to be blessed throughout their lives. Thanks God for them. She trusts her Father, to keep her children safe.
A woman who gets on her knees and prays for some of you out in blog land, for your prayer requests. For God to have mercy in your lives. To lighten up the load of grief in your hearts.
A woman who thanks God for each of you.
A woman who goes to bed very late, just to catch up with your blogs, because she cares. She loves.
A woman who goes to bed feeling completely empty, because she has given herself to everyone, but doesn't care, because she got to give and show love.
A woman who is dying deep inside, but chooses to trust her Father. Believes that He has the greatest plan for her life. Why, because He loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me. No matter what...
A sinner. Saved by grace. Saved by the cross. Saved by Jesus.
No regrets here.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
In Loving Memory... Isaiah 8-3-08
I just got this tattoo done this afternoon. I know that many people may look at this as destruction to my body, but I see beauty in it. When I look at it, I see a precious little boy that has touched my life so deeply, permanently... I'll never be the same.
Tattoo artist: Erik Stevenson (231)881-2385 Lakeview Tattoo
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Over The Rut
I'm participating in the monthly walk...Walking With You. What we are focusing on is praising God, no matter what our circumstances. There is great beauty, after all, in praising Him even when it hurts...praising Him in the storm. I am choosing to look at Isaiah's life in a positive way, rather than focusing on the loss itself. That is why I decided to turn this post into my Walking With You, for this month. If you want to join in the walk, or you are curious about Walking With You, please click on the button in the side bar.
I sure did go down hill this last month, BUT, I'm ready to get back on my positive streak again! In regard to the HORRIBLE comment that was spoken to me, I'm doing a lot better now. I know for sure that I was really being prayed for. I am filled with peace, and I want to continue down the path that I was walking down. You know, the path that God gently takes your hand and guides you down. Or in my case, a little tug here and a little push that way:) I admit it, I was stuck in some yucky muck!
I was talking to my dad on January 1st., and we had a really good talk. I was telling him how hurt and angry I am and how empty and guilty I felt. He said, "Jenny, I don't want this to come out the wrong way, but it sounds to me like your mad at God." I think I was, not really realizing it. I'm not mad at God for taking Isaiah home early. I guess, I just want to see the beauty from ashes. It's hard to wait for an answer as to why all of this was placed in my life. I want to be able to "hang" onto little things along my journey.
I have a great idea for something really cool that I want to do for Isaiah. I will need some honest participation from you the reader. Yes, you. The one reading this post. It will take me some time to put this together, but when it's done, it is going to be so cool! I will be giving my son a very very special gift. This gift, will be a gift that honors him in so many ways. You'll have to trust me on this one!
If you want to give me a priceless gift, one that will last forever, please leave me a comment. In your comment, please write down how Isaiah has touched your life. How has his life changed you or made you look at life differently. If you don't want to leave a comment on my blog or do not have a google account, please e-mail your comment to hoster777@live.com.
I will be leaving this post up for one week, before starting my project, if you need some time to think about what you want to write, or get convicted for not leaving one. LOL I know that there are a lot of people who read my blog and move onto the next, which is ok with me. For just this one time, please take a few minutes for me... for Isaiah.
God is omniscient; having infinite knowledge, knowing all things
Psalm 147:5
Great is our Lord, and of great power: His understanding is infinite.
I can't wait to show you when I'm done! I'm really trying to capture the beauty, rather than the ashes.... only God knows why.... I'm trusting in Him alone. Praise you God!
~Jenny~
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Snowman For Isaiah
This is a picture from last February. I haven't been able to visit Isaiah, and wanted to share this picture again. I felt really good after I made that little snowman for him. I try to do unique things at his grave. I suppose I do it to make myself feel better. I just don't want it to be a "grave." It just sounds so yucky. That's my little boy, and I want to do special things for him, just as I would if he were here with me. I can just "see" his big grin looking down from heaven, saying, " thank you mommy... I love you too."
Isaiah 49:13
Sing, O heavens; and be joyful, O earth; and break forth into singing, O mountains: for the Lord hath comforted his people, and will have mercy upon his afflicted.
Thank you for all of the prayers. I have felt the Lord's peace throughout the week, and will be going into counseling for all of the anger and hurt that I've been harvesting inside. Hopefully, I will be able to start next week.
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