This evening was it. My breakdown. It got me real good. It hurt real bad. I felt it coming, and quietly got up out of my rocking chair, carrying Ezekiel, and went in my bedroom, shut the door, and wept on the end of my bed. In the dark. My window blinds were slightly opened, and I just stared out into the dark woods, covered with white snow. The wind was ripping through the trees. I had a warm baby in my arms... a fragile life. He just slept in my arms as my tears were running down my face, some landing on his cheeks. I got flashbacks of Isaiah dieing in my arms. Each heartbeat, slowing down. Each breath, slowly taken. Then taken from his mommy's arms. Then placed in a box. Then placed in the ground. In the cold dark ground. I hate this. I hurt so bad. I don't know why this happened. I feel like I can't breathe. I love all of my boys so much. I miss him so bad. It's not right. Sometimes, I just don't want to feel anymore. When days like this hit me, well, I'm not even going to finish that statement. I hurt so bad right now. My heart aches to hold him. To kiss him. To gently rub my cheek against his. To whisper, I love you.
I love you Isaiah.... whispered tonight...
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(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you are having a difficult time. I too have had a hard week and do find myself with my new baby in my arms in deep sorrow over the loss of Caleb. There is certainly more joy with another new child, but there is also more grief in what Caleb is missing and what we are missing.
May God surround you with His loving arms and provide peace and comfort for you my friend.
With love and hope,
Cheryl
Jenny,
ReplyDelete*HUGS* and much love my sweet friend...it's so hard to watch one child grow and prosper while envisioning another who'se safe in the arms of Jesus. My heart hurts for you. Know that I'm sending up prayers for you today and always.
My ear is open if you need to talk.
Love to you,
xoxo
Oh the breakdowns, I still have them. They hurt terribly, like in your gut deep in the pit. As Andrea says, "the storm will pass" eventually and you will have smiles in place of tears for a little while. This roller coaster is not easy to ride. Please know we are all here if you need anything, and just allow yoursef to cry if you need this...hang in there friend. Hugs, Nan xo
ReplyDeleteYou don't need to finish that statement. Those of us who have gone through it know exactly how that sentence ends. I've been told there comes a time that sentence won't even enter our thoughts as we remember our precious baby, though no one is able to tell me when that actually happens.
ReplyDeleteJust know there are many women here, some who know and some who don't, who are happy to help support you in whatever way you need through those times.
(((((hugs)))))
Praying for you today and always. {{HUGS}}
ReplyDeleteCaroline
I've had some rough days this week too. It's been hard. I am trying to find comfort in the fact that we never go through this by ourselves, the LORD is walking with us too, step by step. Doesn't it say somewhere that He keeps a record of our tears? I pray that He blesses you and holds you tight these days.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry sweet Jenny...
ReplyDeletePraying for you, hon...there are no words to heal this hurt...
Oh my dear friend. I wish I could be there to cry with you! Missing your sweet Isaiah too!
ReplyDelete*hugs*
We are here for you, Jenny, during these extra difficult times. It's all so incredibly hard.
ReplyDeleteLove to you
My heart aches for you. I so hate you are feeling down, i wish i could wrap my arms around you and tell you it's gonna be okay, even though it feels like it wont, just hold on and know that it will. Just know that he is looking upon you and slowly wipping the tears away for you. Sending you lots of love right now;
ReplyDeleteHow hard to be side-lined by such deep, unexpected grief. I hate it when it catches us so off-guard. Praying for peace, as you miss and love sweet Isaiah!
ReplyDeleteOh Jenny, I'm so sorry. Those moments are so emotional and fierce and just relentless. I know you love and miss Isaiah so much. Your surprise should be arriving soon. I hope that it lifts you up. Much love, friend.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you are having it so rough. I know exactly what it feels like. These days have been filled with grief for me as well. Samuel's birthday/angel day was January 27th and I still haven't even been able to find the words to journal about it, let alone blog about it. I've felt like such a failure as his mommy because I hardly ever even include him on our blog. It just hurts so much to know that he is always missing from our lives. You're always in my prayers, but I will say an extra prayer for you and the hurt that you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I have days like that too, where I wish I couldn't feel anything at all. Just remember that you have your wonderful family and your friends who will always be keeping you in our thoughts. ((hugs)) Hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDelete