Mini Debut

Here is a little teaser of my sweet Ezekiel.  I had my 31 week doctor appointment today and the coolest ultrasound. You can see his chubby cheeks, eyes, nose and mouth.  It was my first time having a 3D ultrasound. Isn't he the cutest!?

~Jenny~

:) 31 WEEKS :)

I will be 31 weeks tomorrow, to be exact. All is good. I'm just waddling my way through these last weeks. lol  42 DAYS.......................................... Yes, that's 42 dots :0)

~Jenny~

Some Questions

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. This week, I am sharing some commonly asked questions about grieving the loss of a child...and some answers. Click on the button in my sidebar, "Walking With You," to get more information.

1. Will I feel like this forever? When will I feel normal again?

Simple answer... yes. I personally feel that I will feel this way the rest of my life. The empty feeling. The feeling of not being able to find something that I lost. Every where I go, I have a yucky feeling of loss. I know what it is, and it's very hard to go through each and every day, knowing what is lost. My son cannot be replaced. There is a whole life that has been taken from mine. Everything that we do as a family is not ever complete. I look at all that we do, and realize that Isaiah would be a part as well. When one of my older boys are sick and have to miss out on a party or some gathering, I feel so bad for them. They would have had so much fun, and made great memories for the rest of their lives. This is sort of how I look at every holiday and gathering that Isaiah has and is missing. I think about all of the attention he would have gotten from everybody. It breaks my heart. 

There is a new normal. Not the normal that you used to be acquainted with. You become a new person, basically over night. That's hard for everybody to get comfortable with. That's why a lot of times you may loose friends, or gain a few new ones. After loosing Isaiah, I not only grieved my son, but the loss of myself as well. It was so hard to face every new day with a new outlook. If you throw guilt on top of it all, you have a recipe for disaster. There is a very fine line to healthy grieving. I didn't want to end up on pills or grab a bottle of alcohol. Was it a possibility that I could have taken or was close to taking... yes. The first six months were very tempting. I know this may amaze some readers, but truth be told, we are all at the mercy of the Lord. If we don't cling to Him during the trials, we will grasp onto something that is not intended for healthy healing. Only God can get us through each aching moment.

2. I have heard this comment several times from grieving individuals. "I read your words, and I can see that there is hope...that God has restored your life. But...what I want to know is how? How do you do this? How do you get through it?"

Every moment of the day, is a moment hanging onto the Lord and His promises. I would have never gotten through any of this loss without believing that the Lord has a HUGE plan behind my pain. A little while after loosing Isaiah, I realized that the Lord did know how I feel. He gave His only son for me. It's kind of ironic, because Isaiah's life was cut short so that I could live. It gave me more of an appreciation and thankfulness towards the gift that Jesus had given. I didn't feel like the Lord had put me in this "hole," and had no idea what I was feeling. God had to forsake His son, God let me hold mine while he passed from my arms into His. I'm eternally thankful for that. I can't imagine having to forsake my son. One other thing that helped, was realizing that the Lord created Isaiah, and was His, not mine. The Lord is good, and I will never walk away from His unending love.

3. How do we know when we should try to have another baby?

As many of you already know, I am expecting a sweet little boy this October. I wanted to get pregnant as soon as the Lord chose to bless me with a child. I don't want to say another baby, because it just sounds like I'm getting a new car, or replacing something. Before getting pregnant I waited until my six week check up, and really dug deep with questions on what kind of shape my body was in and if the same problems were very possible to occur once again. That was not a road that I wanted to travel down again. Yes, I smile at that last sentence, because the Lord placed me down that road again with this current pregnancy, and then, healed me! It's very exciting to see Him work. When all of the blood clots started appearing in this pregnancy, I remember crying out to Him while I was driving down the road in a blizzard.  I heard Him tell me, to have a miracle Jenny, you need to be at the bottom and let me pull you out. After that, I trusted the Lord to bring me out of the muck, and place my feet back on solid ground. Week after week, He slowly healed my womb. As of today, I am 100% healed, and my doctor has called it a miracle.

The answer to having a child after loosing one, is already written in your heart. You just know when you are ready to take that step. It is very emotional and rewarding at the same time. I was so angry to have my hopes and dreams ripped right out of my arms. I refused to live with that feeling the rest of my life. I decided to trust the Lord with my life and the future child that I would be praying for. It was six months after loosing Isaiah that I became pregnant once again. I have no regrets.

Isaiah 44:2

" I am your creator. You were in my care even before you were born." 

~Jenny~

Phlebitis... Yuck!

Yes, I have phlebitis... again. I got it at the end of my pregnancy with Parker. (My third pregnancy.) Phlebitis is a condition in which there is and inflammation in a vein. One of the greatest dangers of phlebitis is for a clot to form in the vein. Yes, I have a couple clots in my vein. They are superficial, which don't cause a big scare.

My leg was extremely sore for two days, so I went to the E.R. last night to see if I did have a blood clot in my leg. They took blood to test for some factors that would show if I have any in my deep veins. The blood came back fine. This morning I had to go to the NIVA lab to get an ultrasound of my leg just to make sure that the blood lab was correct, and that there weren't any in the deep vein. Thank God everything came back good. Just one very sore leg!

Other than one sore leg, everything else is still going smoothly in this pregnancy. Thank the Lord and only the Lord. I still have to have the amniocentesis on October 9th.... which I'm not looking forward to. If is comes back that Ezekiel's lungs are mature enough to be delivered early, then we are looking at the 12th. or 13th. of October to hold our sweet little miracle!! :) That's about 57 more days until delivery, depending on the results.

Please keep Ezekiel, pregnancy, my health ... including sore leg :(  and delivery in your prayers. I truly appreciate each and every one of you, and the prayers you so graciously send to heaven on my behalf.

Love,

Jenny

The Things People Say

This week we are sharing some of the things that people had said to us while we were in the throws of grief. If you want to share your experience or read the journey that others are walking, please click on the "Walking With You" button on my side bar.

Some of the things that I will be writing about, I have already covered in other posts. There are some things that I will not mention, due to the pain that was caused from the comment. There were two that were made..... just pure ignorance.

I do remember my first visit back to church after the loss of Isaiah. There were many women that came up to me and told me about how many miscarriages that they have had. This might sound really mean, but I really didn't care about how many miscarriages they had. I do look at miscarriage as a great loss. It truly is. I had a miscarriage before Isaiah, and it was absolutely heart breaking. I remember crying for days and weeks, but with Isaiah, I certainly did not have a miscarriage. In my eyes... my circumstances were in a whole other universe of loss. My child didn't die on his own. He wasn't sick. He was healthy. He was growing perfect. He was alive! Basically, he died, so I could live. That is something that I have to wake up with every single morning, and go to bed with every single night. It was out of my hands. There was nothing that I could have done. I questioned every specialty doctor that was available. Nothing was going to change my health. It was out of my hands, and yet I am unable to take it from my hands. I still can't believe it. I had gone through so much trauma, tragedy and loss, the last thing that I wanted to hear about was a miscarriage.

I had one person tell me "but" all of the time.

The conversation would go like this:

Friend: "How are you doing Jenny?"

Me: "Not good."

Friend: " I know it's not easy, but he's in heaven, happy and whole."

This was said about two weeks after I buried Isaiah. Are you kidding me? How much time am I "given" to grieve. 48hours? She knew that it wasn't easy? How did she know that? She has all of her children alive and running around in her home, happy and whole! I was so mad at my friend for months. I wouldn't even return her calls. If your wondering, yes, I did forgive her. I told her how I felt about her having said that to me on numerous occasions, and she felt really bad. As you can see, it's a very sensitive subject. One that should not be taken lightly.

Overall, out of the whole loss in general, I am hurt at how forgotten Isaiah has become. (This does not include my friends on my blog. I truly do not know how I could have gotten through the last three years without your love and support.) It has only been three years, and men and women in history books get more talk about their lives, than my precious Isaiah. On his birthday, I really expected a lot of people to check in on me. It was his first birthday, without him here to celebrate it. The only calls I recieved that day were from my mom and two friends. That really hurt. This little boy that I write about so often, a little boy I call son, has changed my life so immensely. I have become a better person after becoming his mother. He has taught me how precious life truly is, and how quick it can be taken away. I have put bad behind me, and made better choices for my life. I have forgiven people that I never could have before. I seek truth. I want to leave behind the gift of love and laughter. I try to live as if it were my last day. You never know.... it truly could be.

Sibling Grief/ The Next Pregnancy

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. This week we are talking about sibling grief/the next pregnancy. Click on the button in my sidebar, "Walking With You," to get more information.

Having to have my three children brought up to my hospital room to be told that their brother died was heart wrenching. I told them that mommy got really sick and Isaiah wasn't strong enough to "make it." I didn't know what else to say. Isaiah wasn't sick. He was a fighter through all of the problems in my pregnancy, and I refused to take that from him. The kids never knew what "sick" really accounted for. You can't explain to young children about blood clots, D.I.C., blood transfusions and almost bleeding to death. They know that I almost died, because of the comments that others would say around them. Theses people should have been more careful. When I do get sick, I don't want the kids to worry that something bad is going to happen to me again. So I have used this to "show" the kids how God had a big plan for Isaiah's life and that the Lord still wants me here with them so I can take care of them. That seemed to do the trick, for that fear anyway.

I would have to say that out of all three boys, my youngest son, Parker, has had the most difficult time with the loss. My friend that was taking care of the kids at the time, said that when she was driving them home from the hospital, Parker had huge tears rolling down his cheeks, repeating over and over, "why did they take my baby?" That broke my heart. I wish that I could have held him when he needed me. I wish the children didn't have to wait until they are adults to really understand what really happened. It would put a lot of closure to all of their unanswered questions. I guess that you could call it an "open/raw pain."

A couple of months after the loss, I had brought Parker home from school, and I asked him what sounded good for lunch. He didn't answer. So I kept calling for him, and a minute later, I found him laying on the floor, between the coffee table and couch. He was holding Isaiah's picture and quietly crying. His little heart ached for his brother. What could I do? I told him how much Isaiah loves him and that he is right here with us, even though we can't "see" him. I told him that he could give Isaiah a kiss on his picture. That seemed to help. He did that for quite awhile.

We will never stop speaking of Isaiah. He is as much a part of this family, as anyone else in this home. We talk about him every single day. I am very serious when I write, EVERY SINGLE DAY. On Thanksgiving, a special candle was lit and placed in the middle of the dinner table. On Christmas, he has ornaments and a blue stocking under the tree. On his birthday, my friend got him an angel bear that sings "Jesus loves me," I lit his special candle, had a poem put in the newspaper, I made a cake, we took balloons to his grave and we even put a couple of hot wheel cars on his stone. That is my little boy forever. I will never stop including him. I know all to well, the way the world looks at me when I do these things for him. I really don't care what anyone else "thinks." After they have had to walk what I have, then they are more than welcome to share their opinions. I may sound angry, but I do have to say that I get really sick and tired of hearing others opinions/concerns. It can be a real "slap in the face." I don't need advice on how to raise my boys that are alive and with me, and I surely don't need the advice on how to mother my child who has passed. I'm the one who has to live with the loss every single day.

Six months after the passing of Isaiah, my husband and I had a little one on the way. We were all thrilled! I was extremely scared that something bad was going to happen in this pregnancy. You never look at life the same way as before. I was told that the problems that occured in my last pregnancy were a fluke. That wasn't the case. Something was not right in my uterus. We don't know what it is. The only guess, scare tissue. After two weeks, I started having problems in this pregnancy. My children started to ask the question, " is this baby going to die too?" They still ask me that question every couple of weeks. I'm not even going to get into all of my feeling on this issue. If you check out my previous posts starting in March, you can follow through all of the problems that have occured in my current  pregnancy. This whole family has really been tested in the last year, when it comes to pregnancy and death. I believe with all of my heart that the Lord DOES NOT give you what you can't handle. On some of the days following Isaiah's death, I barely got through each hour. I truly don't think that I could have said good bye to another child. God has done a miracle in this pregnancy, and I will never stop giving Him the glory that is His. 

We will continue to cling to the Lord through the great loss of our Isaiah, and continue having the faith that our Ezekiel will be born healthy and alive. God is in control. After all... "He's got the whole world in His hands."

~Jenny~

Happy Birthday Isaiah Christopher

Isaiah Christopher Ross

                     August 3, 2008

I made a cake for you today. I know that you would have loved blowing out your very first candle, and getting cake all over your sweet little face. I told your brothers that you are going to be having a huge birthday party in heaven with Jesus! They got so excited. I said that you are going to be watching down with a huge smile on your face, as we sing "Happy Birthday to You." 

I will never forget your precious face. Your perfect little round cheeks. Your button nose. Your tiny soft hands. My heart was so full of joy when you were placed in my arms. You were perfect. You are perfect. My sweet little Isaiah. I think about you every day. You are a part of me, and always will be. I love you more than words.

Missing you every moment... of every day.

HaPpY BiRtHdAy IsAiAh !

Love,

Mommy