Sweet Gift

My friend Lisa stopped by this evening to come and see how I've been doing. She brought me a little bag of goodies:) One of the things was a bookmark that had a poem on it, which I could not read right away, because it made me start crying:( It also had a bracelet that came with it, and the beads on it represent the things talked about in the poem. It has a cross at the end. I will put the poem at the end of my post.

Yesterday, I started hurting for my little Isaiah. I have been so wrapped up in my current health, everything else in my life has been put on the back burner. I was telling a friend the other day, how you have to take one hour at a time. It would be useless for me to try to do one day at a time. I feel like I have been riding a roller coaster for seven and a half months without being anchored in.

It seems so wrong to have to burry a child, let alone your own. Sometimes the thought of Isaiah in the ground is overwhelming. I just wish that I could hold him and protect him from the cold. I know that this is more my flesh talking, but being human, you still look at everything in the way it looks to the human eye. My little Isaiah is with our Lord. Someday, sooner than we realize, we will play and sing with our precious children. We will wrap our arms around them with such joy, and the word goodbye, will NEVER leave our lips again.

My heart hurts so bad. I feel so bad for Isaiah's life being cut short, for mine. As a mother, how do you get past this guilt? I figure that it is going to be there the rest of my life. The Lord knew that I would continue on, even when it hurts so badly. He knew that I would choose to give Him the glory, NO MATTER WHAT. I LOVE the Lord with all of my heart and soul. As I weep, He weeps with me.
He didn't have this happen to hurt me......He trusted that I would search Him out, fall on my knees, and bring Him the glory that is His. God is good!


(Poem)

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there.

I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond's gilt on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there,

I did not die.




† Jenny †

Completely Drained

That was quite the trip. Ten Hours! Here's what I got from the specialist:

Ultrasound still looks the same.

She thinks that the heartbeat looks kind of slow, but it doesn't mean a thing. I need to go get an ultrasound on Monday to see what the heartbeat is.

She made a little diagram showing me how everything looks inside my uterus. I had two c-sections with my last two healthy pregnancies, and she was telling me how scar tissue can grow up into the uterus after surgery. I do know that after Parker was born, my doctor said that there was a lot of scar tissue from my c-section from Devon. If the placenta implants by the scar tissue it can't connect all the way, and bleeds off into my uterus like it has this time and in my pregnancy with Isaiah.

She wants me on bed rest. NOOOOOOOOO:(  I'll do my best, but this it totally not me. I can't hardly sit through a movie. I'll do anything for my child, isn't that the truth!

Here's my thoughts on everything above:

IN GOD'S HANDS........................................

~resting in His grace~                                                                                                                                             Jenny

Trusting my Father

Tomorrow I'm headed down to Grand Rapids. I am very scared to hear what the doctor is going to tell me. How can this happen two times in a row? Well, it's no coincidence. God has a plan, and it's a really BIG plan. 

I think when you choose to trust in God, it's not going to be easy. It takes constant prayer for me to have peace with what is going on.

Yesterday, I had a meltdown in Parker's Readiness class. One of my friends had walked past me down the hall and asked me how I'm doing. She could tell by the way I couldn't hardly speak, that I was really struggling with everything. She new that I needed to talk to someone and  she followed me to Parker's class. I just lost it. She held me while I wept. I cried out saying that I don't know what God wants me to do.

I called and made another appointment to see my doctor that morning. I had so much pressure on my cervix  and I am so scared of dying from this condition. They had me come in at 10:00. The ultrasound showed that everything was still the same. I asked my doctor to be 100% honest with me. I said, "what do you think when you look at this ultrasound?" She said, "maybe a month". She said that we will discuss where to go from here, after we see what my doctor in Grand Rapids thinks about the situation. 

"It's in God's hands," was the final thing stated by my doctor about this baby and pregnancy.

What does it mean to trust God? 

To give your last dollars to someone in need..... knowing that God will provide?

To go through the same heartbreaking dilemma...... trusting God with the outcome?

I'm begging God for a miracle.

I never told the story of the rainbow. Here it is:

When I was in the I.C.U. the morning after Isaiah passed away, I made a few phone calls within a half hour.  This is how it went....................

Half hour away from the hospital, call to Caleb's grandma: "Phyllis, Isaiah died last night," .....

Phyllis sobbing, "There's a beautiful rainbow going across the sky right now while were talking Jenny."

Fifteen minutes later, my step-dad came to see how I was doing on his way to work: " I saw a rainbow when I was driving to the hospital."

Fifteen minutes after seeing my step-dad, I called my dad who was in Cape Cod, Massachusetts about fifteen hours away from where I was: "Dad, Isaiah's dead (weak voice), my dad was weeping telling me that he knows (I never got to talk to him before this phone call because of everything that was happening) he said " there's a double rainbow right now in the sky."

Now when you read that, you know that the rainbow is really significant to me. That's three people, in three spots extemely far from eachother, and they all see a rainbow in a half hour time frame! My sister Ashlee and I were talking about it a couple weeks after Isaiah passed away, and she said " Jenny, I know this is going to sound kind of stupid, but do you think God showed the rainbows that morning to let you know that this would never happen again?" Kind of the same way the God showed Noah the rainbow, making a covenant never to flood the earth again. I told her that I didn't think that was a stupid idea. 

At this point, I'm choosing to believe that God knew that I would "hang on to the rainbow" believing that the same thing will not happen again to me. 

This past weekend, when the doctors told me that I was miscarrying, I went in my room and prayed. "God you promised me, you promised that this would not happen again to me. I believe that this baby is not dead!" 

My baby is alive!

Through this, I believe that I am going to be tested inside and out, but I am choosing to believe that God WILL NOT let this happen again.

Please keep praying for a miracle. What a wondrous miracle it will be!

Ending with the my doctors words........"it's in God's hands"..........................................................

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;and lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Trusting my Father,

Jenny

Unbelievable

On Saturday (3-7-09) I started to bleed heavily, so my husband took me to the E.R. They started an I.V. and took a bunch of blood to make sure that my levels weren't going out of control like last time. Everything was stable.

My E.R. doctor called and talked to my O.B. He said that she new from my last appointment that the baby probably wasn't viable. She told him that I can go home since I was stable. He said that they usually want you to "pass" everything at home, and let your body do it naturally. I can't say that "flushing" my child down the toilet was really appealing to me!

My instructions were to go home and rest, drink plenty of fluids, and I can make an appointment on Tuesday to go and see my O.B. to make sure that " everything is out of my uterus."

Well, I stopped bleeding after I left the hospital. That's three and a half hours of heavy bleeding, and I never "passed" any tissue or blood clots that night or any of the days that followed.

I have written this paper out on 3-9-09 believing that there is life alive in me. I could feel that my child was not with Jesus.

I went in to my doctor this morning, and GUESS what................ The baby is alive!!!!!!!! A healthy beating heart!!!!!!

PRAISE GOD.....................
What an unbelievable miracle.

The HUGE concern right now is that I am bleeding and clotting worse than I was in my last pregnancy. My doctor is concerned that I will get D.I.C. again and possibly loose my life. I am traveling down the same road that I was less than a year ago, with greater concern than last time! I go to Grand Rapids on Friday to see a specialist in prenatal care and find out if there is anything that they can do. My doctor thinks that I will still be left with two options.....termination or continued close watch on pregnancy. Option one is no option unless I'm on my death bed again!

God heard all of your prayers. He saw your faith. The baby is alive. That's what we prayed for. Now, call everyone and tell of His miracle. Get on your knees and give Him the praise! He is an awesome GOD!!!! God is real, God is alive, God is with us!!!!

We need a miracle with this pregnancy and a good outcome. Please do as you did before and call everyone you know, pray on your knees, beg the LORD to have MERCY and GRACE with me and my family. There is great power in prayer. God wants to see our faith.

I am so scared!!!!

Thanks to all of you who continually pray for this whole trial that I have been walking through.

Nahum 1:7

The Lord is good,
A stronghold in the day of trouble;
And He knoweth them that trust in Him.

♥Jenny

New update: Three precious children with Jesus.(miscarried 3-7-09)

Update: Ultrasound Results

Job 23: 10-12

But He knows the way that I take;
When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.
My foot has held fast to His steps,
I have kept His way and not turned aside.
I have not departed from the commandment of His lips;
I have treasured the words of His mouth
More than my necessary food.

I had my ultrasound this morning, and then my doctor came in to talk to me. " I don't know why this has to keep happening to you," was the first thing that she said to me. She showed me the ultrasound and all of the new blood clots that have formed since Monday. Then she went on to tell me......... that there was not a heartbeat.

She said that we should see one by now. Just to be 100% sure, she is having me wait one more week, and then go in on Friday to look for a heartbeat. If there isn't a heartbeat, I go into surgery that morning .

I did ask her if she thinks that I have a problem with my blood clotting properly. She said no, they tested me for all blood factors when I loss Isaiah. She said that because this has happened two times in a row, that the problem is in my uterus. Something in my uterus had been traumatized during delivery when I had my last healthy pregnancy.

This is a overwhelming day of sorrow for me. If you look at my post, " What would you call a blessing," it talks about why I wanted to have another baby. I have made the decision not to have anymore children. The steps to take care of that will be taken care of very soon. I will not play around with precious life.

(Now the tears start streaming down my face)

I wanted to hold my baby and rub it's soft head of hair on my cheek, whispering......" I love you."
Now....... those words will also be sent on angels wings.

I thank each of you that has kept me in your thoughts and prayers. Please continue to pray for my health as my uterus is continuing to bleed and clot. Thank you for walking this journey with me.

Thank you dear Jesus for carrying me through this valley.


Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding


♥Jenny

URGENT PRAYER REQUEST

This morning I got really bad cramps, to the point were I could hardly walk or sit down.  About an hour later the cramps were letting up, and then there was some pink spotting.

I called the doctor, and had an appointment at 1:00 this afternoon. My doctor was not in today, so I had to see someone else that is not familiar to the problems that I had in my last pregnancy with Isaiah.

While he was doing the ultrasound we could see the baby, and above it was a formation of a blood clot. It is about the size of a walnut, and it was not there last Tuesday, that's less than a week ago! He told me that all we can do right now is watch and wait. My doctor whom I usually see, told me last week that if there were to be a clot again in this pregnancy, she is going to be very concerned.

I go on Friday for another ultrasound to see what everything looks like, unless my doctor chooses to do so sooner.

I cannot even begin to tell you about the fear that this has put in me. It's like going through the pregnancy all over again with Isaiah. Unless God intervene and does a miracle, I fear that the same exact thing is going to happen with this baby and the chance of me dying. 

I am just going to be blunt; I CANNOT GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! 

I don't want to be knocking on death's door with myself and loose another child because my body seemed to forget how to take care of a baby in my womb.

Please pray hard. Pray on your knees. Call your friends. Call prayer warriors that you know. I know that God can heal, he saved me on August 3, 2008 the night I lost my son. He saved my oldest son who had a brain tumor in May 2007. May God show me and my family His grace and mercy straight from the throne room. Straight from His powerful hands. Straight from His word spoken against this hold on me and my family. 

PLEASE GOD

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

~Jennifer~