How Do You?

How do you sum up your child's life? How do you explain to other people the heartache that you go through daily? The loss of your precious child? You cannot sum up the loss with words. The pain is deep within your heart.

I go through every single day "seeing" the loss. The things that I would be doing right now with him, and the things that he would be doing with his daddy and brothers.

I have a little boy that I got to tell I love you to, for fifteen minutes. I wanted a lifetime to tell him that.

I wanted to get one of those priceless pictures with Isaiah sleeping on his daddy for a nap.

We will never have a complete family photo.

Our car will always be missing one less family member when we go places together.

I will be making a cake for my son on August 3rd. every year, and my little Isaiah will never get to blow out any of his candles or ever know the sweet taste of cake.

When we take the kids trick-or-treating, there will be a little boy missing dressed in a spider-man outfit.

On Thanksgiving, I will be thankful for my family, my "broken" family.

Christmas day will bring an empty blue stocking next to the tree. One less pitter-patter of feet running through the hall to see what is under the lit tree.

Easter is one empty basket on the table, a missing little boy dressed up with a cute little tie.

On the Forth of July we will take the kids to the local parade in town, one less boy to see the fire trucks and fill up his bag with lots of goodies.

I could write all day about the loss of my son Isaiah. As time goes on, there will be more and more things that Isaiah and all of us will miss out on.

How do you sum up your child's life? The answer is..................impossible.

~Jenny~ 

Appointment For April 8, 2009

I went in to see my doctor today. I had another ultrasound, which was so sweet to see. The baby was moving around so much, and just looked like he/she was having a great time:)

When I saw my doctor, she said that she was bummed out that the blood clot didn't look smaller than at my last appointment. She said "you have a beautiful babe", which is great news. The clot is not connected to the placenta like it was when I was pregnant with Isaiah. That's good news too. The baby is bigger than the blood clot now, but until the blood is gone, I'm not "out of the woods". She wants me to come in and have an ultrasound in one month instead of two weeks. She will be able to get  a "better picture" of what's going on with the clot. She also agrees with the last doctor that I saw, that the clot is  looking like it's coming together like it's suppose to. We are praying that my body will absorb it, and it will be gone! If the clot "goes away", we can continue on with this pregnancy  without having to have such a great concern over this baby and my health. 

Like I have been saying a lot lately, we need to pray harder than we were before. Not that it's not working. It is working. That's why we need to continue praying harder than the last. I will continue thanking God for His many blessings of mercy and grace, and begging for a continued miracle. Please continue with me........HARD. Thanks to you all, who have been keeping me in prayer, you are all a part of this miracle. It is with your prayers, and mine, that gives us the power behind the prayer!

God bless,

Jenny

Eight Months Ago...

Eight months ago...

I had to say hello and goodbye in fifteen short minutes.

I held your little hand in mine, telling you over and over... " I love you Isaiah Christopher."

The nurse baptized you with oil, and 

shortly after...

your soul passed from my arms, into your heavenly Father's.

Thank you for the love that you have brought into my life. You have taught me what life truly is...  LOVE.

I love you Isaiah, my sweet baby boy.

I will never forget... NEVER.

Love,                                                                                                                                                

mommy

Appointment For Monday

First of all, I'm nine weeks pregnant.  A lot of people were wondering. I went in today and saw the on call doctor. My doctor was out of the office today. 

He compared today's ultrasound with Friday's, and it is looking so much better! The blood is almost out of me!!!! There is still a little black spot, which is old blood. There has not been any new bleeding. He said that hopefully the rest of the old blood will make its way out. He also pointed to a white area that is old blood clotting up. He said that's what we want to see. The blood is reorganizing, and my body will hopefully absorb it in a few months. 

He looked at the ultrasound from a few weeks ago, and said " I don't know how the baby survived this"?! I replied, " There has been a lot of people praying." " That works," came from his mouth.

When I was getting ready for my day this morning, I felt the Lord all around me, and I felt healed. For the first time in this pregnancy and the pregnancy with Isaiah, I felt like a "normal" pregnant woman. I felt like the burden that has been consuming me, had been lifted off my shoulders. I have been repeating over and over to myself, BY HIS STRIPES I AM HEALED. I say each word slowly, to put power in my prayer. I feel fresh and renewed, I feel healed.

God is so good. We don't deserve anything that He has given us, which makes me even more thankful for what He has blessed me with. All I have is thankfulness right now. Please join me in praising Him, giving Him the glory, and believe in this miraculous healing. The doctors don't have words to explain this, nor will they ever. It is God, and God alone..........

Thanking the Lord,                                                                                                                                         Jenny

Good Appointment.....Later....Worrisome

I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday and it went pretty good. They did an ultrasound, which showed a beautiful healthy baby, and the blood was actually looking not as bad as it was two weeks ago! My doctor said, "how can I have you believe me when I say that everything is looking a little bit better"? I said that I could tell when I looked at the ultrasound. I was sooooo happy. I had asked her, "if this all turns out good in the end, will you call it a miracle"? She replied, "wouldn't you already call it one"? My answer is, yes!

I am going to have my blood checked every Thursday to make sure that the levels are doing well. She had also said that until the blood is completely gone, we have to watch and treat the pregnancy as if the worse could happen. That way we are prepared to handle the worse. I am so thankful for my doctor, she is a wonderful woman! After the appointment I called my family and a few friends and told them that things are looking up!

When I was getting ready to put the kids to bed and come write a new post about my appointment.....I started to have tons of blood come out me again. It was not fresh blood, but the blood that has been around the baby for the last month. I called the after hours number for an OB, and the doctor told me to go in and get checked because I'm considered a high risk pregnancy. My friend watched my boys and my husband took me to the hospital.

At the hospital, they started an IV and took blood to check my levels. Those were fine. The doctor took an ultrasound and said that the baby looked ok, and he could see all of the blood around the baby still. He told me that the blood that is coming out, is old, and unless I start having fresh red blood, to not be alarmed. My instructions are to call and make an appointment with my doctor on Monday.

I am praying that God is just taking that old blood out, and healing me. I don't know if that is the case though. I couldn't barely move this morning. I just pray that there is not new blood forming. I really can't take much more of this. I have had a few depressing days, but overall, I have tried to stay positive. I feel so worn.....like I am loosing a battle. I have complete faith in God, and that He will have His will be done. I believe deep within my heart that God is going to deliver and bless us in the end. I am just overwhelmed by the ups.... and.... downs.

I need some very strong intercession for this pregnancy and innocent baby. I am weak, but He is strong. Please God, take these chains of anguish from me. 

I thank God for all of your prayers and comments that bring me encouragement that is much needed during this testing time in my life. Please continue praying hard for this baby and my health.

Philippians 4:6                                                                                                                                               Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

~Jenny~

                                                                                                                                               

Mommy, Please Don't Cry... There Are No tears in Heaven

A lot of you are probably familiar with the book: Mommy, Please Don't Cry... There Are No tears in Heaven. I bought this beautiful book about four months ago, and it brings me a little bit of peace, and a whole lot of tears!!!  I really want it to be a part of my blog, so I am posting it to go along with my journey through the terrible loss of Isaiah. The focus of my blog: The loss of  †Isaiah Christopher Ross† and grasping for God's grace through it.

Mommy, Please Don't Cry... There Are No tears in Heaven                                                                      By: Linda Deymaz  

Mommy, please don't cry... a beautiful angel carried me here!

I met Jesus today, Mommy! He cradled me in His big, strong arms. He made me feel so happy inside.

Mommy, please don't cry... heaven is wonderful! Did you know the streets are made of gold? REAL GOLD! 

I have lots of friends, Mommy. We run and play, we giggle and laugh. I can't wait to show you my secret hideouts!

Mommy, please don't cry... when I fall it doesn't hurt! There are no tears in heaven.

I've met a man named Noah. He told me about his big boat, all the animals, and the very first rainbow. Have you heard of Noah, Mommy?

Mommy, please don't cry... we have lots of parties here; with streamers and hats, and the best chocolate cake ever!

When it's time to rest angels tuck us in, I never get scared Mommy, There is no darkness here! Jesus is the light of heaven.

Mommy, please don't cry... the angels are always singing. I love to sing with the angels! You'd be proud of me, I have a pretty good voice. I must have gotten it from you.

There is a river, Mommy, in the most beautiful garden you could ever imagine... and a huge tree with yummy fruit. The angels call it the tree of life. Mommy, it's so wonderful to be alive in heaven!

Mommy, please don't cry... sometimes I just like to be by myself. That's when I think of you.

Someday, Mommy, we will hold each other tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair... and once again, our hearts will beat together.

Mommy, please don't cry... I'll wait right here for you.

I Corinthians 2:9

But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

~Jenny~

Sweet Gift

My friend Lisa stopped by this evening to come and see how I've been doing. She brought me a little bag of goodies:) One of the things was a bookmark that had a poem on it, which I could not read right away, because it made me start crying:( It also had a bracelet that came with it, and the beads on it represent the things talked about in the poem. It has a cross at the end. I will put the poem at the end of my post.

Yesterday, I started hurting for my little Isaiah. I have been so wrapped up in my current health, everything else in my life has been put on the back burner. I was telling a friend the other day, how you have to take one hour at a time. It would be useless for me to try to do one day at a time. I feel like I have been riding a roller coaster for seven and a half months without being anchored in.

It seems so wrong to have to burry a child, let alone your own. Sometimes the thought of Isaiah in the ground is overwhelming. I just wish that I could hold him and protect him from the cold. I know that this is more my flesh talking, but being human, you still look at everything in the way it looks to the human eye. My little Isaiah is with our Lord. Someday, sooner than we realize, we will play and sing with our precious children. We will wrap our arms around them with such joy, and the word goodbye, will NEVER leave our lips again.

My heart hurts so bad. I feel so bad for Isaiah's life being cut short, for mine. As a mother, how do you get past this guilt? I figure that it is going to be there the rest of my life. The Lord knew that I would continue on, even when it hurts so badly. He knew that I would choose to give Him the glory, NO MATTER WHAT. I LOVE the Lord with all of my heart and soul. As I weep, He weeps with me.
He didn't have this happen to hurt me......He trusted that I would search Him out, fall on my knees, and bring Him the glory that is His. God is good!


(Poem)

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there.

I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond's gilt on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there,

I did not die.




† Jenny †