Tonight

Tonight, Parker and I went to church. I dropped him off at his class and went in and sat next to my dad and step-mom. We had a really good preaching, and at the end we were asked if we had any prayer requests.

I looked around quickly, so that I did not cut someone else off in their request, my heart starts to beat a little faster, my hand goes up. The words "I do," come flying from my lips- already knowing that this was the reason I went to church tonight. God knows I had a sink filled with dirty dishes to wash.... Note: Yes, the dishes are still sitting in the sink as I type.... A pumpkin cheesecake pie is still waiting to be made before tomorrow.... Note: It's almost 11:00 p.m. and I still need to make that pie.... But, there is always time for the Lord!

Everyone gathered around me, placing hands on me, and lifted me to the Lord. As people started to pray, tears started to stream down my face. Hearing others intercede for me, and speak uplifting words on how they see who I am, what I do for others and speaking the words of love for me, is just what I needed.

When driving home, it was a clear sky, with the stars sparkling, the moon lit up, and I just felt "still." The radio was on, and 'Praise You In This Storm' by Casting Crowns, started to play. It started to play right before I took my last turn to get home, and that road takes me right past the cemetery where my little Isaiah rests. With one hand on the wheel, and the other turning the volume up, I raised my hand to the Lord, and start to sing, with tears streaming down my cheeks.

As I pass the very place he lays, these words were sung:

"I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away"...

"And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"...

A beautiful mess..... That's what I was tonight.

Where the love lasts forever...

There is a song we sing at church called "Where the love lasts forever," and it literally takes my singing to a complete halt.

These are the words that make it most difficult to sing:

"My soul will dance with you, where the love lasts forever...."

I feel this peace come about me. I can see Isaiah dancing around the throne of God with his little bare feet, and a smile illuminating off his face...... I also feel this huge blow to my stomach, as I wish that I could be watching that beautiful smile right in front of me........ smiling directly at me.

But, I began singing again as the verses get easier, and remember this verse...

1 Thessalonians 4:13
But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope.


Yes, I grieve, deeply at times, but this hope I carry runs deep within and throughout my being.


Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.


You wouldn't have seen this next statement written in the first three years after the loss of my son, but this last year has brought with it some unexplained peace. Here it goes......

-Isaiah WAS called according to his purpose-

With as much pain as I have endured throughout these last four years, and tears that could fill a sea, I know that God had a plan for his short lived life, just as his plans for mine continue.

As I look back on all that I have written on my blog, it amazes me the strength that builds as the posts grow in numbers. I have to smile, and believe that with each post written, and tear cried, I have only traveled closer to the throne of God. Closer to the plans that He has written for my life- willing to do His plan, without questioning, "Why?"

When my journey has been completed.....

Yes-"My soul will dance with you, where the love lasts forever..."

Grace For The Journey

Kelly, Holly and I had an amazing evening on Saturday, October 13th. We put on the very first "Grace For The Journey" conference, for Sufficient Grace Ministries.

Many beautiful women joined us in remembrance of our precious children, who have entered eternal peace and beauty before us.

Kelly, Holly and I each spoke on what we know best..... loss, mixed with beautiful hope.

We talked and counseled.

Enjoyed amazing food and fellowship together.

We prayed.

We thanked God for choosing us to be their mommies.

Our hearts ache often, but our hope remains, growing strong with each new day. One day closer to our reunion in heaven.

I am so thankful to have been a part of this beautiful conference, and blessed to be a daughter of the King.

Here are some pictures from the conference. It was scheduled from 5pm-9pm, and we didn't finish until 10:30 p.m.! It really was a beautiful night.

This is one of the tables set up with the supplies that Kelly gives (FREE) to mothers who have loss a child(ren).

These are the sweet,(pun intended,lol), cupcakes that Kelly brought up from Ohio, along with lots of other yummy food!

Sweet Kelly speaking.... did I mention beautiful?!

Me, giving my "bold" advice on how to treat a mother who has had to say goodbye to her child(ren), because their hearts stopped beating, and precious souls were delivered into the arms of Jesus. "Things to say," and "Not to say"..... This includes how to speak to the father as well. Yes, their hearts ache too......

Sweet Holly speaking... did I mention beautiful?!

After we spoke individually, we then did a panel discussion. Kelly is holding Holly's daughter, Evanee. She is A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E!!

We all lit a candle at the end, and whispered our child(ren)s name(s). I decided to share this photo of Kelly, because those three candles gently burning in her hand, represent the two daughters and one son that pulled their mothers heart into creating this beautiful ministry. It's their precious lives that are the heartbeat of Kelly's desire to comfort others, the way that she has been comforted. (Thank you Kelly.)

The three of us being silly.... it comes naturally!

Last of all, a picture of the rainbow that appeared to Kelly and Holly on their drive home Sunday morning. They came to my church, and we had a table set up with all of Sufficient Grace Ministries love. Love for the broken hearted.... filled with hope. I spoke in front of my church that morning sharing what Kelly does, and that I myself carry the burden of a broken heart. A missing piece to my family. When I saw that Kelly and Holly saw this rainbow on the way home, my heart stopped for a few beats..... I knew he was with me, watching down, whispering..... "good job mommy, I love you....."

Broken

The last couple of days I have been an absolute mess. I did have some friends e-mail me to make sure that I was okay. I had a post up titled "I'm done with this abuse," and then decided to remove it and deal with my problem privately. I'm not going to go into great detail, but there are some family problems right now, and I am completely hurt. Broken. How can people judge you, when in reality, they don't fully know you? I'm talking about the deep depths of my heart. My life behind closed walls. Finances. Deciding to stay home with your children, and struggle to make ends meet, because you just can't stomach the thought of a complete stranger taking care of your precious children. I call this sacrifice. Me giving up things I want in this world, so that I can raise my children in the way that they should go. I guess when you're walking in the light, the darkness has to come sometime.

People that are supposed to be supporting you, keep talking behind your back, just as if you don't have any feelings. Even stretching their toes beyond my boundary, and joking around about what I write on my blog. This has seriously hit me hard. What a low blow.

Yesterday, I laid on my couch in my pajamas and robe and cried. I would stop for a little while, then tears would quietly run down the side of my cheek onto the pillow I was resting on.

Tonight, I was talking on the phone with one of my friends and telling her about what happened when I was at Wal-Mart with the boys..... Devon asked if we could go and look at the Halloween costumes, though I was in a hurry to get back home, I gave into his plea of excitement. We walked up to the costumes, and this little boy whom we did not know, started to show us the costumes that he really liked. He must have been about four years old by the looks of his height and speech. There was no mother or father in the area. He continued to point out all of the famous hero costumes, Batman, Hulk, and Star Wars. Any person passing by, would assume that the little boy was with us..... Then, a girl around the age of twelve came running towards the little boy, and said "come on Isaiah, I'm ready." He waved a cheerful good-bye and off they went............. My heart sank, and broke into a million little pieces. I turned around and watched them run away. For a split second, I felt as though God gave me just a few moments with Isaiah, and then reality hit. I could have fell apart right on that floor. I just started to walk. Walk off the tears. I turned down an aisle, and as I turned the corner, a picture covered in words talking about life, was colored with all of the colors of the rainbow.......

I do believe that Isaiah is with me........ sometimes, I just want to hold him so bad. Kiss and hug him. Cradle him in my arms. It's a hurt that can't be described. An aching that lingers.......

And leaves you broken.

This Shirt

I was going through the top drawer in my dresser, and came upon an article of clothing that I hadn't seen in a very long time. I had purposely buried it so deep within the drawer, so that I would not see it on a daily basis. I actually forgot that it was even there. If you are curious what it was, let me share a picture to give you a visual...........

This is the last shirt that hugged my growing belly. This is the shirt that I lifted over my belly, and watched my little Isaiah dance around in the safety of my womb. This is the shirt that I put on before going to bed that night..... the last night I got to hold him in my belly. The last night I got to feel him kicking..... the night I rode in an ambulance, because something was very wrong.......

After arriving in the E.R., a gown was placed over this lilac colored shirt, and I was taken up to the O.B. department. I went through contractions all night long in this shirt....... I was told that I was dying in this shirt...... and that I would loose him as well....... that little boy dancing so happily, so peacefully within my womb..... I received many blood transfusions in this shirt. I went through labor in this shirt, a labor that was a nightmare..... just to give birth and death all in one....... I was wearing this shirt as his heat beat slowed one beat at a time..... This pretty lilac colored shirt went from hugging my growing belly, to hugging my son that lay in my arms...... This shirt was on me, as his precious soul went from my arms, into the arms of Jesus....

After the delivery, I was taken into surgery with this shirt on. I had to be put under, and have my placenta removed piece by piece, because it had grown into part of my uterus. I received more blood transfusions in this shirt. I came close to my own death in this shirt. This shirt was cut off of me either before I left the O.R., or after arriving in the I.C.U.

This shirt was handed to me shortly before I left the hospital, because it was considered my personal property. I arrived and left the hospital with this shirt.

Today, I opened this shirt up, and laid it on my kitchen table. I put the sleeves together that had been cut, and took both halves that used to be whole, and tried making it look like one piece......... while trying to put my shirt back together, I had a thought; this shirt could really represent my heart, and how it must look after going through the heartbreaking loss of my son. Then, my thoughts turned toward the Lord, and I smiled. "Yes, Father, you have made me whole again. I know that I never will be the same. My heart has been shaped and put together differently, but when I look close, all of the pieces are still there... being hemmed by your hands.

Grace for the journey~ A Day of Encouragement and Remembrance

I am so excited to share that Sufficient Grace Ministries will be hosting a women’s conference and remembrance ceremony where I attend church!! It has taken a lot of work getting this set up, but it sure is going to be worth it! Kelly Gerken, Holly Haas, and I, are excited to share our hearts with all who attend, and will also be having a special time for others to share their stories as well. You can read more about this exciting conference below:

Grace for the Journey ~ A Day of Encouragement and Remembrance

Hosted by Sufficient Grace Ministries

Saturday, October 13, 2012

5:00pm-9:00pm



Harbor Light Community Church

8220 Clayton Road

Harbor Springs, Michigan



We are excited to announce plans for a day of remembrance and encouragement for mothers who have experienced the loss of a baby, and for anyone who wants to better understand how to minister to those who grieve. We all face trials and loss in this life, so our message of hope is relevant to anyone, regardless of whether you have experienced the loss of a child or not.



There will be a few speakers to share about the following topics:



Finding Hope Through Grief’s Journey

How to Minister to a Bereaved Parent

Making Precious Memories ~ Incorporating Your Baby’s Memory into Your Family Celebrations

The Effects of Sibling Grief and Ways to Support Grieving Siblings



We will also have a time of sharing, prayer, and a remembrance/sky lantern release ceremony honoring our babies in heaven. Mothers will have an opportunity to personalize each lantern. We will be bringing some items to share with the mothers, from the Dreams of You Shop, and some other gifts to encourage. There will be refreshments, and a time to share with one another in the telling of our stories. This special retreat will be hosted by Sufficient Grace Ministries with no set charge for the participants. Free will donations are appreciated to help cover the costs of this event and to support the outreaches of this ministry. We are hoping to spark interest with the mothers in the area, as we believe this event could be a great comfort to those walking this path. October is national pregnancy loss awareness month, and a special time to honor these precious lives, and encourage the mothers with grieving hearts.

To register for the event, please send your name and contact information to either Kelly Gerken at: sufficientgraceministries@gmail.com or Jennifer Ross at: hoster777@live.com

Happy Birthday Isaiah.... 4 years in the arms of Jesus

Isaiah,

As I sit and write this letter at the beginning of a new day (12:30 am), I realize that these were some of the last precious hours I was blessed to carry you deep within my womb. If I had only known how it would have ended, I would have been on that hardwood floor in my hospital room, pleading to the Lord to spare your life... but the Lord always knows what He is doing. He knew that my strength would have dissipated throughout the night, if I would have known that you and I were traveling to the end of our road here on earth. I never would have believed that this is how your life was going to end. Even after four years, I can still see that hospital room just as if it were yesterday. I can still smell the scents that August brings, as your birthday approaches. For the last four years, the month of August has brought new meaning into my life. It is a time that my heart aches for days, as I wish that you were here with us. A time when I sit and watch your brothers play, wondering what you would be doing with them. I feel so sad when I think of what you lost out on in life, but as of lately, I have been trying to look at your loss differently. I'm trying to make my heart realize how happy and whole you are with the Lord. I make myself see you smiling and laughing with Jesus, enjoying every experience of heaven. Your death has not been the end of you, but the beginning of life for eternity. You get to experience perfect peace and joy that I cannot touch until I am with you, in the presence of the Lord.

It has taken me almost thirty one years to really grasp the beauty that surrounds this world. True beauty. I looked out my window a couple of days ago, and watched the rain fall from the clouds. I then looked at the bush that had been growing all summer right before my eyes. It captured every rain drop, as it quickly rolled and dripped from leaf to leaf. It reminded me of how the Lord holds my every tear. Then, I watched the rain run down the window, just like the tear drops that run down my cheeks when I cry for you. It was a beautiful moment. The Lord showed through nature, that He holds it all. My tears/laughter, joy/sadness, you/me. Through Him, we are still together.

You lived more than fifteen minutes within my arms, but 19 weeks and 3 days within my womb. You have given me joy and love that will carry me throughout the years... into eternity.

I love you Isaiah Christopher Ross. Happy Birthday son.

Love,
Mommy


Romans 15:13
Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.