Beautiful start

It's been awhile, but I'm still kickin'! lol

I have been working on a special post about Isaiah's birthday. Only problem... it's still written in my head! I haven't actually typed it out yet. lol Procrastination??

This morning, something really neat happened to me, and I just had to share it. It's my birthday.... not a big deal. The only big thing..... the number 30.... OUCH!

Anyway, as I was getting ready to take the boys to school, my littlest buddy entered my heart.(sigh) I wondered if he would show me something today..... a rainbow would be nice. :)

As I sat in the car and reached for my keys that were buried deep in my purse, there it was...... a rainbow. (One of the boys had hit their head on the dome light while getting into the car, which was the source for the rainbow to be created.) It was a complete rainbow. Covering my legs and steering wheel, were all of the colors of Gods beautiful rainbow. I felt so happy at that moment.

For one moment, I felt like I had all of my boys with me. I did. God held us all together. Nothing could have been sweeter, not even a piece of cake.......

Happy Birthday Isaiah Christopher ~Three years in heaven~

My dearest Isaiah,

Today, is a day that has become one of the hardest to face for me. For the last three years, my soul has emotionally and physically ached over loosing you. From the moment your heart stopped beating, I let a piece of my own, journey into the heavens with you. I refused to let you be without your mommy.

I often get up at the crack of dawn, open my windows, and listen to the birds chirping their beautiful songs. My eyes graze over the dew covered grass, and I begin thinking of you. Thoughts of heaven travel around in my head. I sit and ponder all of the ways that you have been enjoying heaven these last three years. There must be so much beauty, peace and love surrounding you. I can only imagine.

I pull your picture close to my eyes, so I can see every intricate detail that God had formed so perfectly, so beautifully. My hands long to gently rub the back of your little head, just as a mother does when she cradles her newborn against her breast.

I count each little finger on both tiny hands, and I picture you holding up three little fingers after I ask how old you are today. I can just hear the precious words, "I'm thwee mommy!" I know that I would ask you the same question over and over again, because of how sweet you would have sounded. I'm quite sure that you would have gone running through our home full of excitement, telling your brothers that it's your birthday! What a sight that WOULD have been.

I may not be singing "Happy Birthday to You" while you're sitting at the table with your cake in front of you, but I know that your great grandmother Eleanore has already sung it to you. She was known for her beautiful voice, always making one feel like the most important person in the world. Give her a hug for me. (sigh)

I love you Isaiah. I cannot express enough, how special you are to me. You are a part of our family, and I will never let you be forgotten. There has not been a day that has passed without you filling my thoughts. I will never be the same.

I'll love you always... (tears)




Love,
Mommy





Happy Birthday to my littlest buddy.

As I ...

As I knelt down next to his stone, with the special plant I picked out and bought, my eyes welled up with tears. Not just tears of sorrow, but tears that I had yet another beautiful gift to give my son. This plant represents my love as his mother- with a deep red color to shower him with love.

As I dug the hole and removed the seed and roots from the year before, it brought an injustice to my soul. The pebbles of dirt rolled off one another, and teased my aching empty arms. Just a little further, lay my son. So close, yet so far away. (sigh)

On my knees, with dirt filled nails and palms, I took it all in...

the smell of the moist earth...

the hot sun beating on my neck and the back of my arms...

the insects traveling over weeds and blades of grass, and an ant racing over his stone...

I took this very special plant, buried it a few feet above my son, and whispered to him some very special words.

I left feeling accomplished. I'm just a mother, loving her child.

Tears trickled down my cheeks, As I drove away.

Wishes

Do you ever wish that you could go back in time and do something different, or make a different choice? Of course you have, just like the other millions of people out in the world.

There is something that has really been bothering me the last couple of days, and I really struggled with it yesterday. I figured that I would share it. It always seems to help when I write down my thoughts.

When I was allowed one final kiss and good-bye with Isaiah, I forgot to take something off of him and take it home with me in my box of treasured keepsakes. I made sure that he was wrapped in the pastel knitted baby blanket that I had held him in for twenty four hours and his soft newborn infant hat. I left my love on him with countless mommy kisses.

But I forgot one thing. His bracelet.

Later that day, after returning home, I dialed the funeral home as quick as my fingers would move, and asked that nice man to take the bracelet off for me. He quieted his voice and spoke,
" Mrs. Ross, the only problem is that I have already sealed the casket."

I don't remember what I had said after hearing that, but I will never forget the feeling that consumed me. That's the same feeling that I have been feeling for the last couple of days. The feeling of loss and regret.

If I had only remembered that tiny piece of plastic.

I can't think of anyone else who I would rather have holding onto it, than my sweet Isaiah...

It's All I've Got

My husband told me the other day about a man that he had met awhile back, and how this man was talking about how his wife never could get "over" the loss of their daughter that had been killed in an automobile accident back in the 80's. Not that she ever "got over it," but had not accepted the loss. He was very concerned about her overall health in general. (Those were the other mans words, not my husbands.)

My opinion, not that anyone is asking, is simple. I really don't think it's about "accepting" the loss, but having faith with the loss. I have never accepted the loss of Isaiah. To tell you the truth, it sounds disrespectful to be told to accept a loss that is priceless. We aren't talking about the stock market. My loss, crashed beyond what any stock market could "touch." But, I still invest in my faith. That's something that I can hold onto. That's something that can grow over time, and still go up and down through the months, but it's an investment that you can't go wrong in. The Lord is your "faith broker"... "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Not that I'm the "all that" faith believer, but I don't want to loose sight of what the Lord wanted to teach me along this hard journey. I want to hang on as tight as possible.

I'll choose to invest in my faith.... It's all I've got....

4 Years Ago, Today

4 years ago, today, my son Caleb had to have a brain tumor removed. I have copied and pasted the same post I originally wrote three years ago. I never have written this post over, because the experience was extremely emotional and I find it very hard to put into words.

I still have times when I have an anxiety/panic attack when Caleb tells me that he doesn't feel good. It just sets the fear in me all over again, taking me right back to that moment in time when I thought that I might really loose my precious son. There are no words to sum up this experience. Here is my post...

First, I need to start out by saying how emotional this post is for me. I'm very teary eyed every time I talk, write or think about my son Caleb and all that he has endured. Four years ago, my oldest son Caleb had to have major brain surgery to remove a golf ball size tumor.

I want to share with you the short version of Caleb's story. There is way to many things to recap, things I don't even know how to put into words. The whole experience has been unforgettable in every way.

Caleb was six years old when this happened. He was having headaches on and off for about a year. Before we found out that he had a brain tumor, he was starting to have new signs of problems, other than just headaches. When he laughed, he would say that his head hurt while we were playing around with him. A couple of days prior to finding out, he couldn't walk very fast either.

On a Saturday night at 1:00am he woke up screaming in pain. I took him to the ER immediately. After sitting up in the bed for a little while, he was all smiles, not hardly any pain. He had some molars coming in, and so I asked the doctor if that could be causing the headaches. He said it could be possible. The doctor offered a CAT scan, which I turned down. I asked him how long it could wait until it was absolutely necessary. He said no longer than a week. I know, you are probably thinking that I'm crazy for not getting it. I thought that he would have to have an IV and be put through a bunch of painful tests. I was terrified!

The next night at 1:00am he woke up screaming again. I picked him up out of his bed and took him to the ER immediately. We took him to have a CAT scan right after he was signed in. The doctor said that the scan had to be sent through the web to Australia, because there weren't any doctors there at night to read it. I knew that something was really wrong. It's a mother's tuition, you just know when something is wrong. So I laid in Caleb's bed holding him ever so tightly, and was praying, praying and praying.

A few hours later, the doctor came in with the nurse, and if anyone has been in the hospital and received bad news, you already know that the doctor always brings a nurse with him when it's not good! He said, " I don't know how to say this." I didn't even sit up. I knew. He is going to tell me that my little boy has a brain tumor. He continues, " There is a mass in his head." He showed me where it was in Caleb's head. It was in the region controlling coordination. He had asked me if I want to see the scan. I replied, "yes." I remember staring at the picture of the CAT scan, and I said, "so does this mean he's going to die?" The doctor said, "I really can't tell you that." I could see the outline of his face on the screen, that's when the whole thing became "real" to me.

I remember calling my husband, who was at home with my other boys, and I began shaking uncontrollably. I made some more calls to Caleb's father, grandma and our pastor. (Yes, Caleb has a different dad. Nothing I'm proud of. The divorce that is. I was previously married. I was eighteen, way to young... sad situation, but we are able to be civil now, which many parents of divorce are not able to do) Anyway, plans were made promptly to have Caleb taken to DeVos Children's Hospital in Grand Rapids.

Before Caleb was taken to have a three and a half hour MRI, I laid in his hospital bed with him. He fell asleep, and I just looked at every part of his sweet face. I sang some songs. Prayed, prayed and prayed. I knew that they were going to keep him totally sedated from the MRI all the way through surgery. This was going to be the last time that I was ever going to talk and hold him alive... if he didn't make it through that surgery alive. (tears....) At that moment, I thought about all of the good times, and everything that I wish that I would have done differently.

The nurses woke him up around 11:30pm on May the 22nd. and told him that they were going to give him a little nap. I got to tell him "I love you," and then the doctor started putting the medicine in his IV to sedate him. After that, the doctor gave him a medication that stopped all muscle controls. He was then put on a respirator. Yes, I watched, until he went limp from the muscle medicine. I walked out to the nurse station in the ICU, and quietly wept. When they were finished getting him set up, they wheeled him to MRI. I sat in his room for three and a half hours. When he came back, his ears were filled with tears. At that point, I felt like I was literally dying. I felt helpless. I asked if he was crying, the nurse said that it was the medication that does that to the eyes. To this day, I just don't believe that.

I sat by his bed, in a hard chair, and held his hand all night long. To watch his lungs get pumped up with air by a machine, was overwhelming. He would keep waking up and try to take the tube out, and the nurse would have to come in and give him more sedatives. I can't imagine waking up and not breathing on my own, and having a tube down my throat at the age of six. After going through the night and half the morning like that, the doctor came and got him at 10:30am on May the 23rd. Our pastor was there that morning and prayed over Caleb. I walked down the hall by his bedside until we came to the "double doors." I told him how much I loved him, and then they wheeled him through the doors. I stood there and watched them take my baby away. I watched him until I couldn't see him anymore. I broke down right there in the hall. I had never felt so empty in my entire life!

I sat in the waiting room with a bible in my hands. One of the nurses came in every hour and told me how he was doing. He did great! After four and a half hours, Caleb was brought back to the ICU, and I got to be there when he woke up. To hear him say that he knew where he was and who he was...... well, that was just pure bliss. I stayed by his side for five days straight. He had a shunt that had to be removed before he left, and that was pure, well you know, torture. He got to go home after five days. To go home so soon after brain surgery, that was a real blessing. Extremely scary too.

The doctors said that he was fortunate the tumor had a sac around it that didn't allow it to spread. I am certain that God had something to do with that! The tumor was benign. The doctors don't know what caused Caleb's tumor, but it likely had been there his whole life.

Through this whole nightmare, I have learned and grown so much. Life just "looks" different. I can say for 100 % that it had put the fear of God in me. Just knowing how much our lives are truly in His hands. It is completely up to the Lord when we will go and be with Him and all of His glory.

For the first year after Caleb's surgery, you could find me on my floor praying to God at 1:30 in the morning, every time he would wake up at night. I had been so traumatized through the whole ordeal, I had a really hard time going to bed at night, because that's when he had woke up screaming and we ended up at the ER with a brain tumor. Now, you can find me on my floor, kneeling beside my bed, thanking God for His unspeakable gift..... the healing of my son.

Thank you Lord for my sweet precious Caleb..... Thank you.

White Baby Roses

Yesterday, while driving, I got the sudden urge to go and visit Isaiah. Isn't it funny how that just sort of hits you sometimes? I didn't plan on it, then the next thing you know, I'm at a local flower shop buying tiny white baby roses. The flowers were so beautiful. One of the roses wasn't fully bloomed.... just like my precious Isaiah.

I sat the stem of roses gently on the seat next to me, which represented the seat that he will never fill. I kept picking up the stem and inhaling the aroma of rose, storing it deep in my memory, the scent that will rest above my son.

I wish I could yell as loud as possible, and tell Isaiah how much I love him, and for just a split second God would allow him to say it back to me. For now, I'll look upon the simple things in this world that appear before me, such as a colorful rainbow or delicate baby rose, that speaks to me, saying "I love you mommy."

Oh, how I love that little boy....