Amazing

The coolest thing happened to me this morning, and I just had to share it.

I was in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, and I started to think about how spring will soon be here and I can go visit Isaiah.

Then, I started thinking about how I haven't visited Isaiah one time through this entire winter. I didn't even go put a wreath on his grave, like I did the previous two years. I mumbled under my breath what a terrible mother I was.............

Within seconds of speaking those negative words, my oldest Caleb, started singing, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow!!!" He was at the kitchen table building with his Lego's and the other three boys were playing around making all kinds of noise. If you know Caleb, you would know how shy he is. He won't barely sing the words to "Happy Birthday," when there are fifty other people singing it around him! lol

God used Caleb.

Period.

He stopped me from the negative words that I was speaking, and the thoughts I was thinking. He once again reminded me that Isaiah is safe.

He reminded me that He holds and protects him.

He loves Isaiah beyond any love that I could ever give or feel.

He is love. Creator. Father. God.

I am blessed to be a daughter of the King.

I am blessed to be Isaiah's mommy.

I am blessed to have God share another "rainbow" with me.

Again I say, Coincidence......... I think not!

It was amazing....... music to my ears.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

                                                                  

Do you have a small or big miracle that has brought you hope lately? Link up with Franchesca and share with others on her blog hop of hope entitled Small Miracles.

Rainbows. If you have followed me long enough, you know that it is the rainbow that brings me hope along the way.

Before the loss of Isaiah, I had only seen a handful of rainbows in my life.

The morning, following his passing, there were three people who witnessed a rainbow, all within a half hour.......

I was in my hospital bed, in the I.C.U., slowly waking from the night before. Reality slowly crept through my memory.

My son........ was gone.

GONE.

Just like that.

I called my dad, who was on vacation at the time, and told him what happened to Isaiah. He already knew, but I didn't know that he had already been informed. I remember that my voice was soft and cracking, and I just listened to my dad weep on the other end. He said, "Jenny, there's a rainbow in the sky right now." I said, "There is?"  Through his tears, he whispered, "It's a double rainbow." He paused....... "He's safe with Jesus."  

Fifteen minutes after talking to my dad, I called Phyllis, my previous mother-in-law. I quietly asked her if she knew where I was. She began crying. She couldn't barely speak. She kept repeating, "I am so sorry Jenny, I am so so sorry." Then, she started to cry a little deeper, and said that there was a rainbow in the sky!

About ten to fifteen minutes after that phone call, my step-dad, Keith, stopped at the hospital to check on me before going to work. He walked up to my bed, gave me a kiss on my forehead, and said, "I saw a rainbow on my way here."

WOW! That's three rainbows in 30 minutes. My dad was in Massachusetts. I live in Michigan. Keith and Phyllis live 30 minutes from each other. They were not seeing the same rainbow.

I know that God gave me the symbol of the rainbow to hold onto for hope. Not hope in heaven. Just a hope that carries a calming peace along with it.

I seriously cannot believe how many rainbows I have seen since August 3, 2008. It's an amazing amount.

I was really struggling a couple of weeks ago and I wrote a post titled, "Praying. Healing. Where I Am....... Serious Post." During the time of that post, on my way to work one morning, there was a rainbow. I remember driving down the road, just talking to God, and I said, " if I just had one little piece of knowledge as to why this happened, it would make it a little easier." Immediately after saying that, I saw the rainbow. It wasn't like a normal rainbow either. It came straight down from the sky, just like a ray of sun beams down. I could not believe my eyes!!!! That was enough for me! Deep down, I know that there is a reason that is beyond anything that my mind could comprehend. I am so thankful that God shared His rainbow with me that morning. I sure did need it.

This evening, I went out to dinner with my friend Jen and her daughter Alexis, and I started thinking of my sweet boy. I usually will go off into some kind of "daydream look" when I'm thinking about Isaiah. As I was staring at the table, I noticed a rainbow right next to my glass of water. Coincidence........... I think not.

Somewhere over the rainbow,

way up high, in heaven...........

he is safe, in the arms of Jesus.

Praying. Healing. Where I Am........ Serious Post.

When I post my words on this blog, they have been straight from my heart. I have kept truth in every word I type. There have been many times that I wanted to dig deeper, share more pain, but I didn't want to hurt anyone or make them fall deeper in their own grief, for reading the words that I chose to write. After two years of blogging, I have chosen to do it. It's not anything crazy and so far out there, but it's a subject that I have only read about one time, out of two years surfing other blogs. I have other things weighing on my heart too.....

I'm going to start off with a comment that I left Kelly on one of her posts, after she had commented on my last post: (My comment below.)

"About my latest post, I sure don't mean to sound negative or like a broken record about my "problems." I truly want healing, and I just really don't know what to do. I pray, and pray, and pray, and I still feel so so bad. I usually numb the hurt for awhile, then it slowly trickles out. I pray that God is still using it for His glory, even though I'm still hanging onto it."

One of the struggles that I come across when writing, is not wanting to represent anything but Christ. I have no greater love, than that of my Lord. He can heal. He will heal. He DOES heal.

I don't want to write out my struggles and leave the post without any hope at the end. I really do walk around with a numb covering, just so I can get through the day. I do laugh. I do have fun. I do all of this, with an opened wound on my heart. It hasn't gotten better for me. This doesn't mean that God can't and won't heal the hurt or the loss. After writing Kelly about how I pray, and pray, and pray, I realized that in my prayers, I never asked God to heal me from the guilt. I prayed that He would give me the strength to live with the guilt. Talk about being deceived! 

I have also been reading through the book of Job, and have come across some verses that really tear at my soul. These verses are the part that I really don't think that anyone wants to think about, or care to read. I respect that, but I feel like I need to cross the "boundary" for those who want someone to do it, because they just can't do it. There is definitely a silent "no no," about speaking about the grave. I am deeply burden by thoughts of my sons grave and I really hope and pray that my respect that I have tried to "earn" on my blog is not lost. I am so so sorry if I "crossed" your boundary in grief.

Two verses that I read out of the book of Job:

*Job 19:26 And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God.

*Job 21:26 They shall lie down alike in the dust, and the worms shall cover them.

To be completely honest, I don't go through one day without thinking about it. I know that my sons soul went to be with the Lord. Our Creator is holding that sweet soul that He made with His own hands. He holds my son.

* 2 Corinthians 5:8 We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. 

I believe every single word that is written in the Holy Bible. 

I struggle very deeply with the knowledge of knowing the natural part of death. I don't like knowing what is happing to my son. A mother has a built in protection system for her children. It doesn't matter if your child is a newborn, teenager or an adult. Each child leaves their DNA in their mother's blood. I have all of this protection that I have in me, for each of my children. I'm telling you, I am a very, very, very PROTECTIVE  mother! It troubles my mind to think of Isaiah and what has happened to his body.

Every time I go outside in the cold, I think about it. Every time it rains, I think about it. Every time it's been 80 degrees outside, I've thought about it.  With each passing season, I feel as though I am slowly loosing his tiny little body that I nurtured with my own. I feel as though little pieces of my strength pass with him. 

While I'm lying in bed at night, waiting for sleep to fall upon me, I wonder how he felt as his heartbeat slowly came to his last. 

Did it hurt him?

Did he feel the oxygen being taken from his lungs?

Could he hear his mommy whispering in his little ear, " I love you Isaiah Christopher."

Were the nurses 100% sure that he had passed, before being taken from my arms and placed by himself on the nursery bed?

Should I have had the nurses try to save his life, even though they told me that there was no way that he was going to make it? I could have had greater faith, and at the same time, I didn't want him to suffer for a handful of moments that he would have lived, in pain. I didn't want to loose the warmth and life that I held for fifteen minutes. One answer was right, and only God knows if the other was the one that I should have chosen. Was I supposed to be this women with faith beyond words, than that of the words that were spoken or knowledge learned through college, by nurses? Or, was I supposed to hold onto a faith, for the hope that I had held for my innocent little one? 

There is so much pain, I simply can't handle it sometimes. That's when you will come along a post on my blog that holds so much pain. Although I may appear to sound like a broken record at times, I am so thankful for the support that God has graced me with, on my blog. I am so thankful for the women who come along and just write a simple, " I'm praying for you." There is nothing stronger than prayer. God is within it all. He uses all of us, the broken hearted, to bring Him glory..... if we let Him. Just continue asking, begging if you need to. Cry to Him.

* Psalm 34:15 The eyes of the LORD are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry. 

* Psalm 34:17 The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles.

* Psalm 34:19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.

 

I'm going to end with the comment that Kelly had replied to, regarding my comment written in the beginning of this post:

"Your latest post was just honesty from your heart about a difficult battle you struggle with...and I'm glad you shared it, so that we can pray and show love to you. We can't help how we feel. My friend, Lynette (in real life friend) says that God's part is always bigger than our part. That means that we don't have to strive to do it all right or have it all figured out. He will work in our lives and hearts in His time to heal, restore, grow, mend...whatever it is that needs dealt with. And, our part is small. It's not about us getting it right. He can work in and through us. Our part is just to keep clinging to Him. So, just keep clinging....He'll do the rest."

That's what I'm going to continue doing. Clinging to the Lord.

This post covers where I am.

Wow! After writing that sentence, I noticed the last two words.

"I Am." 

It looks as though I've been covered by Him all along! Thank you Father!

* Exodus 3:14 God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM." 

God is so awesome! Looks like He just used my pain and got the glory. I just love when He shows me special answers along the way. In times like this, it makes the pain worth it all. There is something gained and not lost.

I will praise Him forever.......

Lovely

This made my day! Thank you Mary!!!

The Elevator Ride

While riding in an elevator at work today, I read over a calendar that had been hanging up. It was there to keep everyone updated with this months activities. There was something that happened on today's date that held a great deal of significance, and I just couldn't remember what it was. About the third time in the elevator, I finally realized what December 16th. represented. It was the day that I was scheduled to have a c-section with Isaiah. I was going to go in for surgery earlier than December 25th., so that I wouldn't be in the hospital having him on Christmas day. I'll never forget the hospital calling and leaving me a message on my answering machine telling me the time to arrive and check in at the hospital to have my baby! For one moment, he was still alive. Then, I completely lost it. No one ever contacted anyone in surgery to cancel the c-section that we had planned months prior. I was not "good" for quite awhile after that whole ordeal...

After realizing what today represented, I could slowly feel my heart start to sink in my chest.

I calmly composed myself and got to the nearest bathroom. I locked the door behind me. For a split second, I just wanted to stand there in the dark. Just be completely alone.

I walked over to the mirror, and stared at my reflection. I tried to find him. I tried to find any piece that he had of his mama.

I found him.

Deep within my eyes, I could see the pain. I could see the love.

I found a mother who continues to live for him. Live the life that was not fully lived to a mother's expectations.

I calmly composed myself, unlocked the door and continued on my way back to the elevator...

Untouched Package

Above, is a picture of Isaiah's blankets and little preemie newborn hat. These items have been packed away in Isaiah's tote. I have never been able to crack the seal of that zip lock bag. That zip lock bag was brought to my door by a man that worked at the funeral home were Isaiah was taken. *sigh*

I held him in those blankets, and kissed that hat for over 24 hrs.

This bag holds the past.

It contains motherhood.

I got to care for him, hold him, and tell him how much I loved him and how much I will be missing him.

For the first year, I would take that zip lock bag out of my dresser, pull it close to my chest and just weep.

I feel as though it has one day concealed, forever.

The second year, I moved these 'items' to his tote. I opened his tote a couple of days ago, which brought about these feelings and this post.

In an older post, I remember saying a final goodbye:

"The nurse, funeral director and myself, took Isaiah to a room in the NICU. He lied there in a baby basket, wrapped in soft blankets. I asked to be alone for a few minutes. I kissed him, told him how much I loved him, and began to walk away. Then I would turn around, and go back to the basket and do it all again. I did this about five times. The only word to describe how I felt at that moment.... torn. You don't leave your children in the store, and walk away. You don't take them to the doctor, only to drive away without them. How do you say goodbye?? FOREVER..... until heaven welcomes you.

I was checked out of the hospital shortly after saying my final goodbye. I got wheeled out, with a swollen belly and empty arms. My son got to leave in a box with a stranger."

I suppose I'm holding onto the past. Clinging to the 24 hrs. that I was able to hold Isaiah and have pictures taken together. I felt a certain kind of peace when he was with me. Even though he wasn't alive, I still felt complete, because he was with me. I was able to protect him. I was able to mother my child...

I don't know if I will ever be able to crack the seal of that bag, but one thing is for sure, he will always be my littlest buddy and nothing can separate our bond. I believe that it will continue to grow through the years.......

Remembering At Christmas 2010

I am posting an old "Walking With You" post from last year. You can join in and link up if you would like to share about someone you love and are missing this Christmas.

Kelly, from Sufficient Grace Ministries, is the awesome creator of "Walking With You." These are her words, "If you are missing someone you love this Christmas, someone of ANY age who is spending Christmas with Jesus this year, I hope you will join us on this very special Walking With You. We are sharing our Christmas memories and the ways that we remember our loved ones who have gone home to heaven at Christmas time."

Anyone can join in and link up over on Kelly's blog! There are a few giveaway prizes too! It's a beautiful way to share the one(s) you love and miss. This will be my third year celebrating Christmas without Isaiah. If you missed my last post, I had stated that Isaiah's due date was December 25, 2008. It adds a little "sting" to the day, but God always carries me through......

Last years post:

I guess I just don't know where to start. I couldn't possibly sum up how I feel in a few paragraphs. I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I really think about how I have a little boy that is not here with me....... here come the tears. I'm just sitting here staring at my screen and crying. How can I put into words the loss of a child. It's mostly overwhelming feelings that never leave your body. I suppose that is why a breakdown is required every month, give or take a few weeks. You learn how to hide the pain from others. It's a lot harder to hide during the holidays. This will be my second Christmas without my sweet boy. Those aren't easy words to write, read or even speak. I have a little boy that is gone. 

Last year I went shopping for a little boy that wouldn't be with me on Christmas morning. I put his ornaments on the tree and added a tiny blue stocking in with his brothers stockings. I bought a little stuffed animal Christmas moose for him too. It will all be brought out this Christmas as well.

Here is a quick picture of how my last Christmas went......

My husband and I came out into the living room first. I turned on the Christmas lights. He grabs the camera. "Ok boys, you can come out now!" Here come the little feet running down the hallway. One missing boy. One missing little set of feet running. I hand out the stockings to the boys filled with goodies. One missing boy. One empty stocking. I pass out the presents. One missing boy. One name missing from the pile of presents. My husband takes the pictures. One missing boy. One missing smile. Christmas dinner at my moms house. I put together three plates for the boys, and go light a special candle... for the one missing boy. 

I suppose this Christmas will play out the same way as the last, only now I have another sweet boy that has been added to the family. My sweet Ezekiel. Bittersweet... that's all that I can say. 

When I drift off to sleep on Christmas Eve this year, I will say my prayers, and ask God for a special gift... to meet up with my sweet Isaiah in my dreams. Then, for just a moment, I will have all my boys with me.... no one missing.