The Elevator Ride

While riding in an elevator at work today, I read over a calendar that had been hanging up. It was there to keep everyone updated with this months activities. There was something that happened on today's date that held a great deal of significance, and I just couldn't remember what it was. About the third time in the elevator, I finally realized what December 16th. represented. It was the day that I was scheduled to have a c-section with Isaiah. I was going to go in for surgery earlier than December 25th., so that I wouldn't be in the hospital having him on Christmas day. I'll never forget the hospital calling and leaving me a message on my answering machine telling me the time to arrive and check in at the hospital to have my baby! For one moment, he was still alive. Then, I completely lost it. No one ever contacted anyone in surgery to cancel the c-section that we had planned months prior. I was not "good" for quite awhile after that whole ordeal...

After realizing what today represented, I could slowly feel my heart start to sink in my chest.

I calmly composed myself and got to the nearest bathroom. I locked the door behind me. For a split second, I just wanted to stand there in the dark. Just be completely alone.

I walked over to the mirror, and stared at my reflection. I tried to find him. I tried to find any piece that he had of his mama.

I found him.

Deep within my eyes, I could see the pain. I could see the love.

I found a mother who continues to live for him. Live the life that was not fully lived to a mother's expectations.

I calmly composed myself, unlocked the door and continued on my way back to the elevator...