Confused

There are so many feelings to carry after the loss of a child. I want to get better, and I just can't seem to find the path out of this consuming weight on my shoulders. I don't want to feel this "yuck" anymore. Being human, I'm afraid that there is no way out. I know that God helps me, but am I not willing to give it all for Him to carry? Am I suppose to? I really don't know. Am I one of those "off the wall cases," were a bereaved mother consumes her life with her loss. Is this wrong? Seriously. I really don't know what to do anymore.

Maybe, it's the guilt.

Maybe, it's the missing of a little sweet soul.

Maybe, it's the piece of my heart sliced away.....

ripped....

torn....

torn from a loving mother, wanting only the best for her children, and not being able to put the pieces back together again.

I want to put my life together, make it whole. I just can't complete a task that doesn't have all the parts to work back in as one.

How do you put a puzzle together, when you're missing a piece?

To Trust

I sit here and ponder my purpose in life. I believe that God has put us here to bring Him glory. Sometimes, I need to remind myself that. Like when I get into my 'Nobody is going to hurt Jenny Ross again' mood. I fear having to go through more pain in this life, and that's why I have slowly built my invisible brick wall of protection. I already know who my Protector is. So why do I fear so much all of the time? I don't know. I know by doing this, I take glory away from God, because I'm trying to do it myself.

Lately, things have been pretty "rough" for me. I have had to deal with so many problems, that I slowly lost focus on the road in which I was traveling. Not doing anything shameful. I just didn't hand my problems over to God, and go smiling along with my day. Handing it ALL over. That's really putting trust in my Father.

To trust. It seems to be my survival during major times in my life. Which is what the Father requires of His children. To take Him by the hand, and willfully follow where He leads. That's the road I want to be on. To trust. No matter how things may appear.

In Memory, We Celebrate

NOTE: This picture was taken on Isaiah's second birthday, August 3, 2010. I just thought maybe the way I wrote this post up, it seemed as though we had just celebrated it. I've wanted to share the pictures with all of you, but I really wanted to do it through a slide show. Hope to make one soon:)

I really want to put together a slide show of Isaiah's birthday. I just do not have the time right now. I decided to post this picture for now. If it was given a title, I would title it, 'In Memory, We Celebrate'.

I made a cake for little Isaiah, just as I do for all of my boys. I used colored sprinkles and made rainbows on the top corners of the cake. I put two blue candles in the middle of the cake to represent two years in heaven, and I added four star candles off to the sides, just to add some character to the cake. While we were singing "Happy Birthday," two of the star candles went out. The green and yellow stars. I like to believe that my little Isaiah was looking down that night.

A Very Special Visit

Last month, I had the pleasure of meeting Holly and her family. They were in the area, so we made an afternoon of it! I even took her to Isaiah's resting spot. I can't explain how special it was to actually meet up with a dear friend from the blogging world. This is the "world" that supports me through the difficult days/weeks and keeps me in prayer. Holly is so loving and always has a smile on her face. To say that this visit was special, would be an understatement!

Tattooed Footprints

On Isaiah's birthday, I went and had his real footprints tattooed under my rainbow. This was originally part of the "blueprint" when I went to go and get the rainbow, his name and birth/death date tattooed in January. I decided to wait and see if I wanted to do his footprints at a later time. A couple of weeks before his birthday, I decided to go and do it. It was the last chapter to the story that my back tells. When I look at my back, I see a story. It's a picture book. :) There are people who ask about it, and I'm able to share little pieces of what has happened with the loss of my son, and it's a great way to share my faith. Share the hope that I hold, and the grace that God gives. The footprints show life. Life that starts from conception. It shows that at 19.5 weeks of pregnancy, a child is fully developed. Sometimes, I feel as though people shrug off my loss because I had only went through half of my pregnancy. Like there wasn't anything to loose. Like my child wasn't really here. Take a look at my back, and you will see the footprints of a little boy who was real. He was here. He was alive. It's my fourth son. I miss that little boy. I wish that I could hear those little feet running through my home.


~I'll be sharing more pictures from his birthday soon~

Happy Birthday Isaiah

Two years ago, you blessed my life, with yours. You were gently placed in my arms. I was amazed by the detail in which God had formed every little piece of you. You were perfect. From your little eyes, soft ears and button nose. Down to your slender fingers, long legs and ten little toes. All that I could speak to you, were the words, "I love you Isaiah Christopher." I needed to know that you were hearing my voice until you couldn't hold on any longer. You did so good. You were so brave. A mother couldn't be more proud of her son, than I am of you. You have transformed my life so deeply. I learned lessons in life, that one can't learn by picking up a book, or years attending college classes. I learned how to love more deeply. To be thankful for the simple things that this world offers. Life, that only God can knit. Love, that penetrates the depths of the soul. I will never take for granted the fifteen minutes that we were given. I will never stop sharing your life with others. I ache to hold you in my arms again. I love you beyond the moon and stars. You are greatly missed Isaiah. Happy birthday son.

Forever loved,
Mommy
xxoo