This Christmas...

I'm joining the "Walking With You" ladies this time around. I haven't participated for quite a while. We are writing about how we remember our child(ren) during Christmas. I'm also going to include what I went through last Christmas without Isaiah.

I guess I just don't know where to start. I couldn't possibly sum up how I feel in a few paragraphs. I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I really think about how I have a little boy that is not here with me....... here come the tears. I'm just sitting here staring at my screen and crying. How can I put into words the loss of a child. It's mostly overwhelming feelings that never leave your body. I suppose that is why a breakdown is required every month, give or take a few weeks. You learn how to hide the pain from others. It's a lot harder to hide during the holidays. This will be my second Christmas without my sweet boy. Those aren't easy words to write, read or even speak. I have a little boy that is gone. 

Last year I went shopping for a little boy that wouldn't be with me on Christmas morning. I put his ornaments on the tree and added a tiny blue stocking in with his brothers stockings. I bought a little stuffed animal Christmas moose for him too. It will all be brought out this Christmas as well.

Here is a quick picture of how my last Christmas went......

My husband and I came out into the living room first. I turned on the Christmas lights. He grabs the camera. "Ok boys, you can come out now!" Here come the little feet running down the hallway. One missing boy. One missing little set of feet running. I hand out the stockings to the boys filled with goodies. One missing boy. One empty stocking. I pass out the presents. One missing boy. One name missing from the pile of presents. My husband takes the pictures. One missing boy. One missing smile. Christmas dinner at my moms house. I put together three plates for the boys, and go light a special candle... for the one missing boy. 

I suppose this Christmas will play out the same way as the last, only now I have another sweet boy that has been added to the family. My sweet Ezekiel. Bittersweet... that's all that I can say. 

When I drift off to sleep on Christmas Eve this year, I will say my prayers, and ask God for a special gift... to meet up with my sweet Isaiah in my dreams. Then, for just a moment, I will have all my boys with me.... no one missing.

An Angel Never Dies

An Angel Never Dies

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,

An Angel never dies.

(My blog friend Lea, had this poem posted on her blog. I thought that it was so touching, I wanted to post it to mine also.)

Fighting Through The Pain

MISSING YOU TONIGHT ISAIAH....

MY HEART IS BROKE....

PuRe JoY

          Ezekiel Isaiah Ross

          October 16, 2009

          6lbs. 7.8oz.

          18 3/4in.

          Born: 9:21a.m.

(Above are the stats that I never added to my last post)

Having Ezekiel has brought me so much joy. I just can't stop thanking the Lord for His miraculous gift. Jesus is Lord! It also has opened a new door of grief for me. A new loss of Isaiah. I already knew how great the loss was, but holding Ezekiel also brings back so many memories of the little time that I got to hold Isaiah. I was looking at his picture, like I do every day, and I fell apart. I miss him so badly. Isaiah and Ezekiel look so much alike. I am so heart broken for Isaiah. I look at his picture and tell him how sorry I am. I feel like the loss of him is all my fault. It was my body that shut down. I would have given anything in this world to save his life. I would have given up my legs for him. My husband sat and prayed for God to take him instead of Isaiah. I guess this is just another part of the journey that I will be taking the rest of my life. I will be taking some much needed time to myself. Please continue to pray for healing for myself and my family, as we continue to  mourn the loss of our son, brother, grandson and nephew.

*Jenny*

Introducing...

Ezekiel Isaiah Ross

                             God's Miracle

Mini Amnio Update

I had my amnio done on Friday. My doctor called me this afternoon with the results, and said that my amnio was borderline. Ezekiel's lungs aren't quite ready yet, but very close. So I will be having my c-section on Friday morning for sure.... if I don't go into labor before then. Please keep us in your prayers. 

Jenny

Thank You God... Thank You Isaiah

I had the neatest experience this morning. Today is my birthday. This is something that I would not ever announce to the world, but today is different. My day started out just like any other day. I got up early and got my boys and myself ready for church. It's been extremely rainy the last four days. Very gloomy outside.

Now if I could have anything in this whole wide world for a gift, I would ask for my Isaiah to be back in my arms. Not having him here on my birthday has been almost as bad as not having him here on his birthday. In a different sort of way. 

I shared my rainbow story quite awhile ago. (If you want to read about it, it is the post written on March 12, 2009.) The rainbow holds extreme significance to me when it comes to Isaiah. I believe that the day after I delivered Isaiah, God showed three different people rainbows to let me know that Isaiah was safe, and that the same thing would never happen to me again. When I see a rainbow, I feel like it's Isaiah's way of saying "Hi mom! I'm safe and I love you."  For the first couple of months after loosing Isaiah, I had never seen so many rainbows in my life! 

So far this year, I haven't seen one rainbow..... until today, that is. As my family and I were headed out of the driveway this morning to go to church, there was a gorgeous rainbow in the sky. The sun only came out for maybe three minutes. I was brought to tears. At that moment, I was consumed with the presence of the Lord. I felt Isaiah so strongly... as if he were in my arms. It was his way of saying "Happy Birthday Mom!"  That was the best present I could have gotten today.

Thank You God... Thank You Isaiah.

~Jenny~