I'm joining the "Walking With You" ladies this time around. I haven't participated for quite a while. We are writing about how we remember our child(ren) during Christmas. I'm also going to include what I went through last Christmas without Isaiah.
I guess I just don't know where to start. I couldn't possibly sum up how I feel in a few paragraphs. I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I really think about how I have a little boy that is not here with me....... here come the tears. I'm just sitting here staring at my screen and crying. How can I put into words the loss of a child. It's mostly overwhelming feelings that never leave your body. I suppose that is why a breakdown is required every month, give or take a few weeks. You learn how to hide the pain from others. It's a lot harder to hide during the holidays. This will be my second Christmas without my sweet boy. Those aren't easy words to write, read or even speak. I have a little boy that is gone.
Last year I went shopping for a little boy that wouldn't be with me on Christmas morning. I put his ornaments on the tree and added a tiny blue stocking in with his brothers stockings. I bought a little stuffed animal Christmas moose for him too. It will all be brought out this Christmas as well.
Here is a quick picture of how my last Christmas went......
My husband and I came out into the living room first. I turned on the Christmas lights. He grabs the camera. "Ok boys, you can come out now!" Here come the little feet running down the hallway. One missing boy. One missing little set of feet running. I hand out the stockings to the boys filled with goodies. One missing boy. One empty stocking. I pass out the presents. One missing boy. One name missing from the pile of presents. My husband takes the pictures. One missing boy. One missing smile. Christmas dinner at my moms house. I put together three plates for the boys, and go light a special candle... for the one missing boy.
I suppose this Christmas will play out the same way as the last, only now I have another sweet boy that has been added to the family. My sweet Ezekiel. Bittersweet... that's all that I can say.
When I drift off to sleep on Christmas Eve this year, I will say my prayers, and ask God for a special gift... to meet up with my sweet Isaiah in my dreams. Then, for just a moment, I will have all my boys with me.... no one missing.
Even though they're not here I think we need to include them in some way in our traditions, even if it is only having a stocking or an ornament for them. I think you'll always miss what isn't there....the extra laughter and pitter patter of little feet, the hugs and kisses of another little boy. These are things that a mother's heart longs for.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you can ever put into words the loss of a child. It's a pain that only a Mother knows, as we share that special bond from the first moment we know they are one with us.
ReplyDeleteHolidays are so hard and I'm working through this myself. I celebrated my EDD yesterday and dread Christmas, as I was to be holding Christian in my arms. I wonder if Christmas will ever be the same for me? However, I find peace in knowing he's spending Christmas with Jesus this year.
Love and Prayers
this is our 2nd Christmas without our sweet little boy too.. I'm nto sure it ever gets easier, the missing.... But I think it's oh so important to remember..
ReplyDeleteremembering with you.
ReplyDeleteJen, First I'm so happy that this site lets me FINALLY comment! I hope you will come to christmas eve service so that I can give you an extra special hug. Every time I enter the hospital to do my rotation I think of that precious Isaiah of your's! I'm so proud to be able to know you and the strength that you have. Isaiah would be proud of you! Please know that there are others that won't ever forget that precious face either! Love you and will pray for you!
ReplyDeleteSweet friend...that "missing" place in your heart...that missing place in your family...that missing will always be there, until he is once again in your arms. Time and God's grace lessens the sting as the years pass. And, yet there are moments when the memories are as fresh as the first snowfall. Your sweet Isaiah, although missing in the physical sense will always be a part of your family. There are no words I can say, or anyone can say to take aways the missing. It's just what is left when someone we love so much isn't here to hold. But, one day...our families will be complete...and no one...and nothing will be missing.
ReplyDeleteLove and Prayers for you and your sweet family...May you find comfort and healing in His loving arms as He carries you. May His perfect peace envelop you this Christmas, as you dream your dreams of a little boy basking in heaven's glory.
Remembering Isaiah with you...
Kelly
Thanks for sharing and I'm remembering Isaiah with you. I know the feeling of those missing footsteps. I think to of the ones I'm missing and everyone unwrapping the presents. It's sad and it hurts.
ReplyDeleteI pray for you and your family and hoping that you can have a Merry Christmas.
Caroline
It's so difficult to put into words, but you have captured it truthfully, those missing little footsteps, the empty stocking, the empty spot in your heart that won't go away until heaven. One day you will all be together. Until then, I pray God's comfort and peace for you.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to tell you, I've been making Christmas ornaments, and would love to send you one for Isaac. If you want, you can e-mail me your address at butterflyelli@yahoo.com.
hugs and blessings!
It's so hard when we can see the missing child, especially when those around us may not notice that someone special isn't there. Levi will be our oldest child but I know that I'll always see him missing- from family photos, holidays and just the day to day hustle and bustle of life. I hope you have peace & comfort this Christmas!
ReplyDeleteOh Jennifer, I hear the pain in your words. I cannot imagine what it's like to lose a child as I've not experienced that. But my heart goes out to you. I wish I could give you a hug and pray with you even though this is the first time I've visited your blog. May the Lord comfort you as only He can do.
ReplyDeleteDebbie
Oh hon, I wish I could bring your precious Isaiah back to you. We are just not in the decorating spirit this year and are not putting up anything. We plan on spending our day with our families, enjoying our company with family and remembering our boys.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you dear friend. *hugs*
The holidays are always the hardest, aren't they? I'm praying for you and missing my own sweet babe too:(
ReplyDelete