Walking With You ~ Introduction and Where are You Now?

I am joining the series, "Walking With You," from Kelly Gerken's blog, Sufficient Grace Ministries.
This is my third time sharing, and to be honest, it never gets old. I never tire, when taking time to write about that little boy, Isaiah Christopher Ross, whom I miss more than words. Each time writing, is like giving a breath of life, to a body that is gone. He continues to live on through me. Through my thoughts, laughter, smiles and love. I can't put away the pen and notepad, because of four years that have passed. Just as love grows, so do my writings about my son - my pain - my love - my hope. Death will not get the last word.

For those that are new to my blog, let me introduce myself. My name is Jennifer Ross, I am 31 years old, and I have five boys that I have carried within my womb and given birth too. Sadly, one of the boys, the fourth to be exact, died within my arms after being born too early. He was healthy, whole and I believe carried a joy throughout his spirit... The one reason that he didn't survive --- His lungs were not strong enough. With oxygen depleting from his lungs, heart slowly beating to the last beats to be heard...EVER...he left my arms, to be delivered into the arms of his heavenly Father.

(This picture was taken about one month before the loss of Isaiah.)


How did this happen?

August 3, 2008 was the start of a new journey in my life.

From seven weeks to nineteen and a half weeks of pregnancy, I had a huge blood clot that was forming in my uterus. It was covering three fourths of my placenta. I knew that there was a possibility that I would loose my child, but I guess I still looked at myself in the world's view.... "it won't happen to me." You may know what I'm talking about.

Unfortunately, it did happen to me.

On the 2nd. of August, I was rushed to the hospital at 11:00 pm. The blood clot had pulled away from the placenta, causing a partial placental abruption, which started a bleed that ended up becoming lethal. Not causing death to my son..... but a fast approaching death upon me.

The next day, on the 3rd. of August, I will NEVER forget. My doctor came into my room and sat at the end of my bed. She said that I had a condition called D.I.C. She said that we needed to deliver the placenta, or I would be dead within the next twenty four hours. After the delivery, I still only had a 30% chance at survival.

After receiving statistics as frightening and real as they were.... What was I supposed to do? I did all that I knew at that very moment.... what the doctor told me to do. I couldn't "pick" between my three older boys that were home at the time (they would be without a mother), the little innocent boy that was dancing within my womb, or the life of myself... which would also lead to the death of Isaiah as well. He was not to be the "winner" in this circle. In the end, his life was taken, to save mine, and to be completely honest, a HUGE/ENORMOUS piece of my heart died the moment the nurse nodded her head to confirm that he was gone. Never coming back. Never will laugh/cry, run, play with blocks and Lego's, ride a bike, go to school, play on a playground, run his toes through hot sand on a beach, watch fireworks, have a squirt gun fight with his brothers, play hide-and-go-seek, skip rocks on the water, eat birthday cake, dress up for Halloween, open a Christmas gift, make me ornaments for my Christmas tree, make me a Mother's Day card, graduate, have a wife, have children -- he will never wrap his arms around my body... I will never hear an "I love you," spoken from his lips.

Where am I now in my grief and healing? This is a very simple answer. The healing will be for a lifetime. With each year that passes, I am able to mend my grief enough to survive. To smile and laugh, enjoy my family and friends, but there is always tears somewhere hidden in me. I am able to camouflage my pain now. I "learned" how too, in order to survive a loss so great, so painful, so empty at times...But, with the gift of my sons life, his very breath, the future that was taken from him... I make it my mission as his mother, to live a full life. To live as though it were my last day... to smile at strangers and say something nice, enjoy a walk on a warm summer evening, taking it all in...That's how I live, taking it all in... the heart wrenching loss of a precious boy in our family, and living and breathing with a thankfulness for what he has given me... LIFE.