Walking With You ~ Clinging in the Pit

~This weeks talk on Walking With You: "If you are not new to loss, talk a bit about early grief. What was it like, clinging for hope in the pits of despair? What did you cling to for hope? How did you survive the early days? What helped? What do you wish you could share with someone new to this walk, clinging in the pit? If you’re in the pit, currently, share your struggles. What can others do to encourage you?"~

I'm not "new" to this loss. The loss of my child. My son. As of today, January 13, 2013, the "helpful" Lilypie button on my blog tells me that I have lived 4 years, 5 months, 1 week & 3 days without him. My child. My son.

As I was preparing for this post, I took about an hour in reviewing my blog from the very beginning, up through 2010. I came upon many sad reminders of where I was, and across many hardships that I still face with the loss today.

In the very beginning, I can't say that I was clinging to "anything" in the pit. I made myself comfortable in that cold dark hole of despair. I needed to take it all in. I wanted to consume my loss. By inhaling and exhaling the pain, touching the emptiness and tasting the tears of despair. Why?

I.Did.Not.Want.To.Miss.One.Piece.Of.My.Loss.

I needed to experience ever drop. I needed to allow God to carry me through....when I was ready. It took a very long time for me to be ready. Try two years ready. Just to want to begin to heal. I carried a lot of weight on my shoulders. Guilt. I had to "forgive" myself, before I could start to heal. Throughout just this past year, I have concluded that there will be no forgiving myself. How do you forgive yourself, when there was nothing you could do? It's not possible, nor necessary. I have come to accept that fact. Trust and faith in God, will be my greatest recipe for my healing.

I am going to end this post with an older post that I had written on January 21, 2011. I named it "Praying.Healing.Where I Am.....Serious Post." Visiting Isaiah's grave was one choice that I chose to do often. No, he is not "really" there....just, well, you know.... I went to his grave so often, my sister ended up calling my doctor, because she was so worried about me. I was "okay," but it was just something that I needed to do for me.

His spirit entered eternal love and peace with God, the very moment his heart stopped, but that little body grew in me. I felt it kick, roll and dance within me. Not just as a mother, but as his - Isaiah's mother - I needed to spend A LOT of time at his grave. I had to be there through the "process." The following post that I am sharing from 1-21-11 is not *sweet talk.*




January 21, 2001 (Keep in mind that this was written nearly two years ago.):

"When I post my words on this blog, they have been straight from my heart. I have kept truth in every word I type. There have been many times that I wanted to dig deeper, share more pain, but I didn't want to hurt anyone or make them fall deeper in their own grief, for reading the words that I chose to write. After two years of blogging, I have chosen to do it. It's not anything crazy and so far out there, but it's a subject that I have only read about one time, out of two years surfing other blogs. I have other things weighing on my heart too.....

I'm going to start off with a comment that I left Kelly on one of her posts, after she had commented on my last post: (My comment below.)

"About my latest post, I sure don't mean to sound negative or like a broken record about my "problems." I truly want healing, and I just really don't know what to do. I pray, and pray, and pray, and I still feel so so bad. I usually numb the hurt for awhile, then it slowly trickles out. I pray that God is still using it for His glory, even though I'm still hanging onto it."

One of the struggles that I come across when writing, is not wanting to represent anything but Christ. I have no greater love, than that of my Lord. He can heal. He will heal. He DOES heal.

I don't want to write out my struggles and leave the post without any hope at the end. I really do walk around with a numb covering, just so I can get through the day. I do laugh. I do have fun. I do all of this, with an opened wound on my heart. It hasn't gotten better for me. This doesn't mean that God can't and won't heal the hurt or the loss. After writing Kelly about how I pray, and pray, and pray, I realized that in my prayers, I never asked God to heal me from the guilt. I prayed that He would give me the strength to live with the guilt. Talk about being deceived! 

I have also been reading through the book of Job, and have come across some verses that really tear at my soul. These verses are the part that I really don't think that anyone wants to think about, or care to read. I respect that, but I feel like I need to cross the "boundary" for those who want someone to do it, because they just can't do it. There is definitely a silent "no no," about speaking about the grave. I am deeply burden by thoughts of my sons grave and I really hope and pray that my respect that I have tried to "earn" on my blog is not lost. I am so so sorry if I "crossed" your boundary in grief.

Two verses that I read out of the book of Job:

*Job 19:26 And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God.

*Job 21:26 They shall lie down alike in the dust, and the worms shall cover them.

To be completely honest, I don't go through one day without thinking about it. I know that my sons soul went to be with the Lord. Our Creator is holding that sweet soul that He made with His own hands. He holds my son.

* 2 Corinthians 5:8 We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. 

I believe every single word that is written in the Holy Bible. 

I struggle very deeply with the knowledge of knowing the natural part of death. I don't like knowing what is happing to my son. A mother has a built in protection system for her children. It doesn't matter if your child is a newborn, teenager or an adult. Each child leaves their DNA in their mother's blood. I have all of this protection that I have in me, for each of my children. I'm telling you, I am a very, very, very PROTECTIVE  mother! It troubles my mind to think of Isaiah and what has happened to his body.

Every time I go outside in the cold, I think about it. Every time it rains, I think about it. Every time it's been 80 degrees outside, I've thought about it.  With each passing season, I feel as though I am slowly loosing his tiny little body that I nurtured with my own. I feel as though little pieces of my strength pass with him. 

While I'm lying in bed at night, waiting for sleep to fall upon me, I wonder how he felt as his heartbeat slowly came to his last. 

Did it hurt him?

Did he feel the oxygen being taken from his lungs?

Could he hear his mommy whispering in his little ear, " I love you Isaiah Christopher."

Were the nurses 100% sure that he had passed, before being taken from my arms and placed by himself on the nursery bed?

Should I have had the nurses try to save his life, even though they told me that there was no way that he was going to make it? I could have had greater faith, and at the same time, I didn't want him to suffer for a handful of moments that he would have lived, in pain. I didn't want to loose the warmth and life that I held for fifteen minutes. One answer was right, and only God knows if the other was the one that I should have chosen. Was I supposed to be this women with faith beyond words, than that of the words that were spoken or knowledge learned through college, by nurses? Or, was I supposed to hold onto a faith, for the hope that I had held for my innocent little one? 

There is so much pain, I simply can't handle it sometimes. That's when you will come along a post on my blog that holds so much pain. Although I may appear to sound like a broken record at times, I am so thankful for the support that God has graced me with, on my blog. I am so thankful for the women who come along and just write a simple, " I'm praying for you." There is nothing stronger than prayer. God is within it all. He uses all of us, the broken hearted, to bring Him glory..... if we let Him. Just continue asking, begging if you need to. Cry to Him.

* Psalm 34:15 The eyes of the LORD are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry. 

* Psalm 34:17 The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles.

* Psalm 34:19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.

 

I'm going to end with the comment that Kelly had replied to, regarding my comment written in the beginning of this post:

"Your latest post was just honesty from your heart about a difficult battle you struggle with...and I'm glad you shared it, so that we can pray and show love to you. We can't help how we feel. My friend, Lynette (in real life friend) says that God's part is always bigger than our part. That means that we don't have to strive to do it all right or have it all figured out. He will work in our lives and hearts in His time to heal, restore, grow, mend...whatever it is that needs dealt with. And, our part is small. It's not about us getting it right. He can work in and through us. Our part is just to keep clinging to Him. So, just keep clinging....He'll do the rest."

That's what I'm going to continue doing. Clinging to the Lord.

This post covers where I am.

Wow! After writing that sentence, I noticed the last two words.

"I Am." 

It looks as though I've been covered by Him all along! Thank you Father!

* Exodus 3:14 God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM." 

God is so awesome! Looks like He just used my pain and got the glory. I just love when He shows me special answers along the way. In times like this, it makes the pain worth it all. There is something gained and not lost.

I will praise Him forever......."

I hope that I have not crossed the boundary of any of you, but this post represents the early stages of *my* grief.There were a lot of deep comments on that post, that reflect the heart of women that were right "there" with me. They silently suffered with those morbid thoughts too. If you are interested in what they had to say, click here.