Here With Me

There are times I have to try to find God. Not that He isn't there, but I have turned. Not deliberately. I just get covered in day to day life. From wife duties to children duties, and all of the mundane work of running a home properly. It can be exhausting!

A a child, I have always believed in God. I didn't have any deeper thoughts on the subject of heaven or God as a young girl. I guess that's the child like faith that Jesus speaks about in the bible. I never had a second thought about this God who watches over us day and night. He was my Protector. His love was infinite.

Then, as I grew into a teenage girl, I began to rebel. You know, it was the "cool" thing to do. It was about pleasing the world, so that I would fit in the world. No second thoughts on how wrong I was, or who I was hurting. I was literally trying to survive my adolescent years.

I can't say that my early twenties brought much glory to God either. Just getting through each day was my goal. I had three awesome boys so far, and life. "Live it up," right?........... wrong!

Throughout the years leading up to the age of twenty five, I was clueless. Not as a mother, or how I was raising my children, but as a child of God. I would say my prayers of thanks when something was for my benefit, or I would say a prayer for my boys when they were sick, and I would get so scared. The prayers weren't from a faithful servant. Just a mother surviving day to day life.

A few months after turning twenty five years old, I experienced REAL fear. For one week straight, I was begging God for His mercy and grace. It was on that 7th. day that I found Him. I mean, I really found Him. I had this fear within me, knowing how Great He is. I could never let go or walk away from the most priceless treasure that I had just uncovered within my soul. He had been there all along.

Within months of "finding" God and having a real relationship, my life began to grow. God knew when to draw me closer. He opened my eyes and had me see things that breaks His heart.

My own children, have been used in aiding in my spiritual growth. From almost burying my oldest son, to actually face the burial of my fourth son. The tragic death of Isaiah, has put a profound understanding into the death of Jesus, and how God chose to let His son die, to save us, His precious children. I know it's not the same case with the loss of Isaiah, when compared to Jesus, but when I cry for my son, it puts a whole new perspective on how God must have felt when He watched His son crying out in pain being crucified, and then forsaking His son.

When I pray now, and I ask for forgiveness or healing, and I ask it in the name of Jesus, there is life behind my words. It's so powerful.

I don't know the purpose behind this post. I was praying before picking up my pencil and notepad, and I heard God whisper, "write." As I mentioned in the beginning, there are times I have to try to find God. Not that He isn't there, but I have turned. Not deliberately. I just get covered in day to day life. From wife duties to children duties, and all of the mundane work of running a home properly. It can be exhausting!....... but I am never alone. Whether it be in the beauty or mess of life, He is here with me.



1 Chronicles 16:8-12

8 Give thanks unto the LORD,
call upon his name,
make known his deeds among the people.


9 Sing unto him, sing psalms unto him,
talk ye of all his wondrous works.


10 Glory ye in his holy name:
let the heart of them rejoice
that seek the LORD.


11 Seek the LORD and his strength,
seek his face continually.


12 Remember his marvelous works that he hath done,
his wonders, and the judgments of his mouth;