First Visit This Year

I was dropping off a prescription for Parker this evening, and had twenty minutes to sit and do nothing. The thoughts of visiting Isaiah have been running around in my head a lot lately, so I decided to drive up the road to go visit my son. I went to one gate and it was locked, so I turned around and went to the other gate. I hadn't been up there since last fall, and to tell you the truth, I wasn't sure that I was ready for this visit, emotionally.

That little voice inside, spoke to me softly and told me to leave. I did have Parker with me, and I didn't want him to think that I can't even decide where to spend twenty minutes waiting for a prescription. It would be kind of odd to back up and leave the place..... I felt like it though. I guess I didn't feel like "feeling." I had done a pretty good job staying strong, or numb rather.

The gas slowly accelerated, as the car took me up the drive, around the corners, passing the number markers, and then there was my normal parking spot, by that beautiful birch tree. I put the car in park, as Parker sweetly reminded me of a memory of his, "Mom, I remember when you cried really hard the day we buried Isaiah." I said nothing, as my eyes began to fill with tears. I could feel my lips begin to frown as I tried not to cry. I opened the door as the cool air stung my eyes. Without a word spoken, we walked over to Isaiah's marker. I could hear the birds chirping, which brought a little peace to my soul, then the crunch of the dead leaves under my feet, quickly took me to thoughts of death and loss.

I could feel my chest get tight as I knelt down and moved the dead leaves on the grass above him. I just couldn't make it through this visit. I began to cry silently. Parker looked over at me, and asked me why I was crying.

I felt so full of sorrow at that moment, with visions of his soft little head, and tiny little body, all alone. I couldn't handle it. I kissed my hand and placed it on the sharp grass and told him that I loved him. I got up and walked away with Parker. I got back in the car, and I could feel a bunch of pressure in my head, trying not to fall apart.

I probably wasn't there for more than two minutes. I felt like I was abandoning him. I knew that I shouldn't have gone there tonight. I don't know why. I guess, just knowing how long it's been since the last visit, I knew that this was going to really hit me hard. It did.

I'll just say that Burger King became dinner for tonight. I am emotionally drained.