A Beautiful Visit

Today, the boys and I went and picked out a Christmas wreath for Isaiah's grave.



This picture is priceless, and a little hard for me to look at. It tugs at my heart.




When the boys all talked to Isaiah, that was a little emotional for me too. It was a beautiful moment.




Sleep in heavenly peace my precious boy.......

Here With Me

There are times I have to try to find God. Not that He isn't there, but I have turned. Not deliberately. I just get covered in day to day life. From wife duties to children duties, and all of the mundane work of running a home properly. It can be exhausting!

A a child, I have always believed in God. I didn't have any deeper thoughts on the subject of heaven or God as a young girl. I guess that's the child like faith that Jesus speaks about in the bible. I never had a second thought about this God who watches over us day and night. He was my Protector. His love was infinite.

Then, as I grew into a teenage girl, I began to rebel. You know, it was the "cool" thing to do. It was about pleasing the world, so that I would fit in the world. No second thoughts on how wrong I was, or who I was hurting. I was literally trying to survive my adolescent years.

I can't say that my early twenties brought much glory to God either. Just getting through each day was my goal. I had three awesome boys so far, and life. "Live it up," right?........... wrong!

Throughout the years leading up to the age of twenty five, I was clueless. Not as a mother, or how I was raising my children, but as a child of God. I would say my prayers of thanks when something was for my benefit, or I would say a prayer for my boys when they were sick, and I would get so scared. The prayers weren't from a faithful servant. Just a mother surviving day to day life.

A few months after turning twenty five years old, I experienced REAL fear. For one week straight, I was begging God for His mercy and grace. It was on that 7th. day that I found Him. I mean, I really found Him. I had this fear within me, knowing how Great He is. I could never let go or walk away from the most priceless treasure that I had just uncovered within my soul. He had been there all along.

Within months of "finding" God and having a real relationship, my life began to grow. God knew when to draw me closer. He opened my eyes and had me see things that breaks His heart.

My own children, have been used in aiding in my spiritual growth. From almost burying my oldest son, to actually face the burial of my fourth son. The tragic death of Isaiah, has put a profound understanding into the death of Jesus, and how God chose to let His son die, to save us, His precious children. I know it's not the same case with the loss of Isaiah, when compared to Jesus, but when I cry for my son, it puts a whole new perspective on how God must have felt when He watched His son crying out in pain being crucified, and then forsaking His son.

When I pray now, and I ask for forgiveness or healing, and I ask it in the name of Jesus, there is life behind my words. It's so powerful.

I don't know the purpose behind this post. I was praying before picking up my pencil and notepad, and I heard God whisper, "write." As I mentioned in the beginning, there are times I have to try to find God. Not that He isn't there, but I have turned. Not deliberately. I just get covered in day to day life. From wife duties to children duties, and all of the mundane work of running a home properly. It can be exhausting!....... but I am never alone. Whether it be in the beauty or mess of life, He is here with me.



1 Chronicles 16:8-12

8 Give thanks unto the LORD,
call upon his name,
make known his deeds among the people.


9 Sing unto him, sing psalms unto him,
talk ye of all his wondrous works.


10 Glory ye in his holy name:
let the heart of them rejoice
that seek the LORD.


11 Seek the LORD and his strength,
seek his face continually.


12 Remember his marvelous works that he hath done,
his wonders, and the judgments of his mouth;

Last night...

It seems to hit during the quiet moments....

the pain...

the anger...

the trail of tears streaming down my cheeks...



I quietly shut the door to the bathroom,

close the lid to the toilet,

sit...

put my hands to my mouth...

and quietly weep...



I miss him so much at times, I feel like I physically cannot handle another day.....



Then morning returns,

with it brings joy....

only a joy that can be given by our God.....

Happy 2nd. Birthday Ezekiel

Today, we are celebrating two beautiful years with Ezekiel. Every day has been a blessing. I put some time into thinking how I wanted to write a post for Ezekiel, but I couldn't put anything together that came close to the story of how this little miracle boy came to be. I'll just simply say, he wasn't "supposed to have been," BUT he is..... he is alive, healthy and vibrant!! A simple "thank you" to God will never be enough, but raising this little boy to know his Lord and serve Him daily, is my biggest passion as a mother..... to all of my boys.

I copied last years post, because I really want to share the precious story of my son. I updated his sweet pictures on the post too.



Dear Ezekiel,

When I reflect on the past two years, I can't help, but be taken back to the nine months of my pregnancy with you. I'll never forget seeing the pink positive line on my pregnancy test. With excitement and fear entangled as one, I called everyone I knew. We were having another baby!

Ezekiel, until you're older, you may not realize what a true miracle you are. At five weeks pregnant, my body started to fight what God had knit in my belly. I started to bleed and have the same problems that had taken place with your brother, Isaiah. To say that I was terrified, would be an understatement.

I went in for an ultrasound, and there was no heartbeat to be found. My heart sunk. My soul was crushed. Why?.....

The next day, because of the amount of bleeding, daddy took me to the E.R. They told me that I was miscarrying.

On the drive home, I could feel life inside of me. I could feel that you were still hanging on. I would NOT give up on you! I refused. I prayed with power from the depths of my being, a prayer of a mother that just can't say goodbye to another child.

GOD HEARD.

GOD ANSWERED.

People throughout the world began to pray. On their knees. In the morning. Throughout the day. At bedtime. Spreading the word.

You began to grow. Kick. Suck your thumb.

The blood clots began to go away.




We found out that we were having another little boy. How wonderful!



Each week, I got to watch my belly grow.



On the morning of October 16, 2009, we were preparing for your birth. I had this weight on my shoulders, full of fear. Fear of death. Is my child going to be born alive? Is my body going to be able to handle another birth? Another surgery. I pray unceasingly.



At 9:21 a.m., you take your first breath of life...... I exhale the cloud of death that consumed my thoughts, and took my first breath of hope.



You are our sweet angel.



My rainbow.



You have brought this family so much joy. Happiness. Laughs.



You are not a replacement for the loss of your brother. You are a beautiful addition to our family.

God took my broken heart. My broken dreams........ and filled my arms.

Thank you God.

You ARE good!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY :o) Ezekiel Isaiah Ross :o)

I love you.

Beautiful start

It's been awhile, but I'm still kickin'! lol

I have been working on a special post about Isaiah's birthday. Only problem... it's still written in my head! I haven't actually typed it out yet. lol Procrastination??

This morning, something really neat happened to me, and I just had to share it. It's my birthday.... not a big deal. The only big thing..... the number 30.... OUCH!

Anyway, as I was getting ready to take the boys to school, my littlest buddy entered my heart.(sigh) I wondered if he would show me something today..... a rainbow would be nice. :)

As I sat in the car and reached for my keys that were buried deep in my purse, there it was...... a rainbow. (One of the boys had hit their head on the dome light while getting into the car, which was the source for the rainbow to be created.) It was a complete rainbow. Covering my legs and steering wheel, were all of the colors of Gods beautiful rainbow. I felt so happy at that moment.

For one moment, I felt like I had all of my boys with me. I did. God held us all together. Nothing could have been sweeter, not even a piece of cake.......

Happy Birthday Isaiah Christopher ~Three years in heaven~

My dearest Isaiah,

Today, is a day that has become one of the hardest to face for me. For the last three years, my soul has emotionally and physically ached over loosing you. From the moment your heart stopped beating, I let a piece of my own, journey into the heavens with you. I refused to let you be without your mommy.

I often get up at the crack of dawn, open my windows, and listen to the birds chirping their beautiful songs. My eyes graze over the dew covered grass, and I begin thinking of you. Thoughts of heaven travel around in my head. I sit and ponder all of the ways that you have been enjoying heaven these last three years. There must be so much beauty, peace and love surrounding you. I can only imagine.

I pull your picture close to my eyes, so I can see every intricate detail that God had formed so perfectly, so beautifully. My hands long to gently rub the back of your little head, just as a mother does when she cradles her newborn against her breast.

I count each little finger on both tiny hands, and I picture you holding up three little fingers after I ask how old you are today. I can just hear the precious words, "I'm thwee mommy!" I know that I would ask you the same question over and over again, because of how sweet you would have sounded. I'm quite sure that you would have gone running through our home full of excitement, telling your brothers that it's your birthday! What a sight that WOULD have been.

I may not be singing "Happy Birthday to You" while you're sitting at the table with your cake in front of you, but I know that your great grandmother Eleanore has already sung it to you. She was known for her beautiful voice, always making one feel like the most important person in the world. Give her a hug for me. (sigh)

I love you Isaiah. I cannot express enough, how special you are to me. You are a part of our family, and I will never let you be forgotten. There has not been a day that has passed without you filling my thoughts. I will never be the same.

I'll love you always... (tears)




Love,
Mommy





Happy Birthday to my littlest buddy.

As I ...

As I knelt down next to his stone, with the special plant I picked out and bought, my eyes welled up with tears. Not just tears of sorrow, but tears that I had yet another beautiful gift to give my son. This plant represents my love as his mother- with a deep red color to shower him with love.

As I dug the hole and removed the seed and roots from the year before, it brought an injustice to my soul. The pebbles of dirt rolled off one another, and teased my aching empty arms. Just a little further, lay my son. So close, yet so far away. (sigh)

On my knees, with dirt filled nails and palms, I took it all in...

the smell of the moist earth...

the hot sun beating on my neck and the back of my arms...

the insects traveling over weeds and blades of grass, and an ant racing over his stone...

I took this very special plant, buried it a few feet above my son, and whispered to him some very special words.

I left feeling accomplished. I'm just a mother, loving her child.

Tears trickled down my cheeks, As I drove away.