Walking With You ~ Introduction and Where are You Now?

I am joining the series, "Walking With You," from Kelly Gerken's blog, Sufficient Grace Ministries.
This is my third time sharing, and to be honest, it never gets old. I never tire, when taking time to write about that little boy, Isaiah Christopher Ross, whom I miss more than words. Each time writing, is like giving a breath of life, to a body that is gone. He continues to live on through me. Through my thoughts, laughter, smiles and love. I can't put away the pen and notepad, because of four years that have passed. Just as love grows, so do my writings about my son - my pain - my love - my hope. Death will not get the last word.

For those that are new to my blog, let me introduce myself. My name is Jennifer Ross, I am 31 years old, and I have five boys that I have carried within my womb and given birth too. Sadly, one of the boys, the fourth to be exact, died within my arms after being born too early. He was healthy, whole and I believe carried a joy throughout his spirit... The one reason that he didn't survive --- His lungs were not strong enough. With oxygen depleting from his lungs, heart slowly beating to the last beats to be heard...EVER...he left my arms, to be delivered into the arms of his heavenly Father.

(This picture was taken about one month before the loss of Isaiah.)


How did this happen?

August 3, 2008 was the start of a new journey in my life.

From seven weeks to nineteen and a half weeks of pregnancy, I had a huge blood clot that was forming in my uterus. It was covering three fourths of my placenta. I knew that there was a possibility that I would loose my child, but I guess I still looked at myself in the world's view.... "it won't happen to me." You may know what I'm talking about.

Unfortunately, it did happen to me.

On the 2nd. of August, I was rushed to the hospital at 11:00 pm. The blood clot had pulled away from the placenta, causing a partial placental abruption, which started a bleed that ended up becoming lethal. Not causing death to my son..... but a fast approaching death upon me.

The next day, on the 3rd. of August, I will NEVER forget. My doctor came into my room and sat at the end of my bed. She said that I had a condition called D.I.C. She said that we needed to deliver the placenta, or I would be dead within the next twenty four hours. After the delivery, I still only had a 30% chance at survival.

After receiving statistics as frightening and real as they were.... What was I supposed to do? I did all that I knew at that very moment.... what the doctor told me to do. I couldn't "pick" between my three older boys that were home at the time (they would be without a mother), the little innocent boy that was dancing within my womb, or the life of myself... which would also lead to the death of Isaiah as well. He was not to be the "winner" in this circle. In the end, his life was taken, to save mine, and to be completely honest, a HUGE/ENORMOUS piece of my heart died the moment the nurse nodded her head to confirm that he was gone. Never coming back. Never will laugh/cry, run, play with blocks and Lego's, ride a bike, go to school, play on a playground, run his toes through hot sand on a beach, watch fireworks, have a squirt gun fight with his brothers, play hide-and-go-seek, skip rocks on the water, eat birthday cake, dress up for Halloween, open a Christmas gift, make me ornaments for my Christmas tree, make me a Mother's Day card, graduate, have a wife, have children -- he will never wrap his arms around my body... I will never hear an "I love you," spoken from his lips.

Where am I now in my grief and healing? This is a very simple answer. The healing will be for a lifetime. With each year that passes, I am able to mend my grief enough to survive. To smile and laugh, enjoy my family and friends, but there is always tears somewhere hidden in me. I am able to camouflage my pain now. I "learned" how too, in order to survive a loss so great, so painful, so empty at times...But, with the gift of my sons life, his very breath, the future that was taken from him... I make it my mission as his mother, to live a full life. To live as though it were my last day... to smile at strangers and say something nice, enjoy a walk on a warm summer evening, taking it all in...That's how I live, taking it all in... the heart wrenching loss of a precious boy in our family, and living and breathing with a thankfulness for what he has given me... LIFE.

The Christmas Giveaway Winner!

~ Winner is announced on my Facebook! :0)

Christmas Giveaway

Tonight

Tonight, Parker and I went to church. I dropped him off at his class and went in and sat next to my dad and step-mom. We had a really good preaching, and at the end we were asked if we had any prayer requests.

I looked around quickly, so that I did not cut someone else off in their request, my heart starts to beat a little faster, my hand goes up. The words "I do," come flying from my lips- already knowing that this was the reason I went to church tonight. God knows I had a sink filled with dirty dishes to wash.... Note: Yes, the dishes are still sitting in the sink as I type.... A pumpkin cheesecake pie is still waiting to be made before tomorrow.... Note: It's almost 11:00 p.m. and I still need to make that pie.... But, there is always time for the Lord!

Everyone gathered around me, placing hands on me, and lifted me to the Lord. As people started to pray, tears started to stream down my face. Hearing others intercede for me, and speak uplifting words on how they see who I am, what I do for others and speaking the words of love for me, is just what I needed.

When driving home, it was a clear sky, with the stars sparkling, the moon lit up, and I just felt "still." The radio was on, and 'Praise You In This Storm' by Casting Crowns, started to play. It started to play right before I took my last turn to get home, and that road takes me right past the cemetery where my little Isaiah rests. With one hand on the wheel, and the other turning the volume up, I raised my hand to the Lord, and start to sing, with tears streaming down my cheeks.

As I pass the very place he lays, these words were sung:

"I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away"...

"And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"...

A beautiful mess..... That's what I was tonight.

Where the love lasts forever...

There is a song we sing at church called "Where the love lasts forever," and it literally takes my singing to a complete halt.

These are the words that make it most difficult to sing:

"My soul will dance with you, where the love lasts forever...."

I feel this peace come about me. I can see Isaiah dancing around the throne of God with his little bare feet, and a smile illuminating off his face...... I also feel this huge blow to my stomach, as I wish that I could be watching that beautiful smile right in front of me........ smiling directly at me.

But, I began singing again as the verses get easier, and remember this verse...

1 Thessalonians 4:13
But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope.


Yes, I grieve, deeply at times, but this hope I carry runs deep within and throughout my being.


Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.


You wouldn't have seen this next statement written in the first three years after the loss of my son, but this last year has brought with it some unexplained peace. Here it goes......

-Isaiah WAS called according to his purpose-

With as much pain as I have endured throughout these last four years, and tears that could fill a sea, I know that God had a plan for his short lived life, just as his plans for mine continue.

As I look back on all that I have written on my blog, it amazes me the strength that builds as the posts grow in numbers. I have to smile, and believe that with each post written, and tear cried, I have only traveled closer to the throne of God. Closer to the plans that He has written for my life- willing to do His plan, without questioning, "Why?"

When my journey has been completed.....

Yes-"My soul will dance with you, where the love lasts forever..."

Grace For The Journey

Kelly, Holly and I had an amazing evening on Saturday, October 13th. We put on the very first "Grace For The Journey" conference, for Sufficient Grace Ministries.

Many beautiful women joined us in remembrance of our precious children, who have entered eternal peace and beauty before us.

Kelly, Holly and I each spoke on what we know best..... loss, mixed with beautiful hope.

We talked and counseled.

Enjoyed amazing food and fellowship together.

We prayed.

We thanked God for choosing us to be their mommies.

Our hearts ache often, but our hope remains, growing strong with each new day. One day closer to our reunion in heaven.

I am so thankful to have been a part of this beautiful conference, and blessed to be a daughter of the King.

Here are some pictures from the conference. It was scheduled from 5pm-9pm, and we didn't finish until 10:30 p.m.! It really was a beautiful night.

This is one of the tables set up with the supplies that Kelly gives (FREE) to mothers who have loss a child(ren).

These are the sweet,(pun intended,lol), cupcakes that Kelly brought up from Ohio, along with lots of other yummy food!

Sweet Kelly speaking.... did I mention beautiful?!

Me, giving my "bold" advice on how to treat a mother who has had to say goodbye to her child(ren), because their hearts stopped beating, and precious souls were delivered into the arms of Jesus. "Things to say," and "Not to say"..... This includes how to speak to the father as well. Yes, their hearts ache too......

Sweet Holly speaking... did I mention beautiful?!

After we spoke individually, we then did a panel discussion. Kelly is holding Holly's daughter, Evanee. She is A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E!!

We all lit a candle at the end, and whispered our child(ren)s name(s). I decided to share this photo of Kelly, because those three candles gently burning in her hand, represent the two daughters and one son that pulled their mothers heart into creating this beautiful ministry. It's their precious lives that are the heartbeat of Kelly's desire to comfort others, the way that she has been comforted. (Thank you Kelly.)

The three of us being silly.... it comes naturally!

Last of all, a picture of the rainbow that appeared to Kelly and Holly on their drive home Sunday morning. They came to my church, and we had a table set up with all of Sufficient Grace Ministries love. Love for the broken hearted.... filled with hope. I spoke in front of my church that morning sharing what Kelly does, and that I myself carry the burden of a broken heart. A missing piece to my family. When I saw that Kelly and Holly saw this rainbow on the way home, my heart stopped for a few beats..... I knew he was with me, watching down, whispering..... "good job mommy, I love you....."

Broken

The last couple of days I have been an absolute mess. I did have some friends e-mail me to make sure that I was okay. I had a post up titled "I'm done with this abuse," and then decided to remove it and deal with my problem privately. I'm not going to go into great detail, but there are some family problems right now, and I am completely hurt. Broken. How can people judge you, when in reality, they don't fully know you? I'm talking about the deep depths of my heart. My life behind closed walls. Finances. Deciding to stay home with your children, and struggle to make ends meet, because you just can't stomach the thought of a complete stranger taking care of your precious children. I call this sacrifice. Me giving up things I want in this world, so that I can raise my children in the way that they should go. I guess when you're walking in the light, the darkness has to come sometime.

People that are supposed to be supporting you, keep talking behind your back, just as if you don't have any feelings. Even stretching their toes beyond my boundary, and joking around about what I write on my blog. This has seriously hit me hard. What a low blow.

Yesterday, I laid on my couch in my pajamas and robe and cried. I would stop for a little while, then tears would quietly run down the side of my cheek onto the pillow I was resting on.

Tonight, I was talking on the phone with one of my friends and telling her about what happened when I was at Wal-Mart with the boys..... Devon asked if we could go and look at the Halloween costumes, though I was in a hurry to get back home, I gave into his plea of excitement. We walked up to the costumes, and this little boy whom we did not know, started to show us the costumes that he really liked. He must have been about four years old by the looks of his height and speech. There was no mother or father in the area. He continued to point out all of the famous hero costumes, Batman, Hulk, and Star Wars. Any person passing by, would assume that the little boy was with us..... Then, a girl around the age of twelve came running towards the little boy, and said "come on Isaiah, I'm ready." He waved a cheerful good-bye and off they went............. My heart sank, and broke into a million little pieces. I turned around and watched them run away. For a split second, I felt as though God gave me just a few moments with Isaiah, and then reality hit. I could have fell apart right on that floor. I just started to walk. Walk off the tears. I turned down an aisle, and as I turned the corner, a picture covered in words talking about life, was colored with all of the colors of the rainbow.......

I do believe that Isaiah is with me........ sometimes, I just want to hold him so bad. Kiss and hug him. Cradle him in my arms. It's a hurt that can't be described. An aching that lingers.......

And leaves you broken.