Happy Birthday Isaiah.... 4 years in the arms of Jesus

Isaiah,

As I sit and write this letter at the beginning of a new day (12:30 am), I realize that these were some of the last precious hours I was blessed to carry you deep within my womb. If I had only known how it would have ended, I would have been on that hardwood floor in my hospital room, pleading to the Lord to spare your life... but the Lord always knows what He is doing. He knew that my strength would have dissipated throughout the night, if I would have known that you and I were traveling to the end of our road here on earth. I never would have believed that this is how your life was going to end. Even after four years, I can still see that hospital room just as if it were yesterday. I can still smell the scents that August brings, as your birthday approaches. For the last four years, the month of August has brought new meaning into my life. It is a time that my heart aches for days, as I wish that you were here with us. A time when I sit and watch your brothers play, wondering what you would be doing with them. I feel so sad when I think of what you lost out on in life, but as of lately, I have been trying to look at your loss differently. I'm trying to make my heart realize how happy and whole you are with the Lord. I make myself see you smiling and laughing with Jesus, enjoying every experience of heaven. Your death has not been the end of you, but the beginning of life for eternity. You get to experience perfect peace and joy that I cannot touch until I am with you, in the presence of the Lord.

It has taken me almost thirty one years to really grasp the beauty that surrounds this world. True beauty. I looked out my window a couple of days ago, and watched the rain fall from the clouds. I then looked at the bush that had been growing all summer right before my eyes. It captured every rain drop, as it quickly rolled and dripped from leaf to leaf. It reminded me of how the Lord holds my every tear. Then, I watched the rain run down the window, just like the tear drops that run down my cheeks when I cry for you. It was a beautiful moment. The Lord showed through nature, that He holds it all. My tears/laughter, joy/sadness, you/me. Through Him, we are still together.

You lived more than fifteen minutes within my arms, but 19 weeks and 3 days within my womb. You have given me joy and love that will carry me throughout the years... into eternity.

I love you Isaiah Christopher Ross. Happy Birthday son.

Love,
Mommy


Romans 15:13
Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.

Remembering Five Years Ago....

Five years ago, tomorrow, my son Caleb had to have a brain tumor removed. I have copied and pasted the same post I originally wrote four years ago. I decided a long time ago not to write this post over, because the experience was extremely emotional and I find it very hard to put into words.

I still have times when I have an anxiety/panic attack when Caleb tells me that he doesn't feel good. It just sets the fear in me all over again, taking me right back to that moment in time when I thought that I might really loose my precious son. There are no words to sum up this experience. Here is my post...

First, I need to start out by saying how emotional this post is for me. I'm very teary eyed every time I talk, write or think about my son Caleb and all that he has endured. Five years ago, my oldest son Caleb had to have major brain surgery to remove a golf ball size tumor.

I want to share with you the short version of Caleb's story. There are too many things to recap, things I don't even know how to put into words. The whole experience has been unforgettable in every way.

Caleb was six years old when this happened. He was having headaches on and off for about a year. Before we found out that he had a brain tumor, he was starting to have new signs of problems, other than just headaches. When he laughed, he would say that his head hurt while we were playing around with him. A couple of days prior to finding out, he couldn't walk very fast either.

On a Saturday night at 1:00am he woke up screaming in pain. I took him to the ER immediately. After sitting up in the bed for a little while, he was all smiles, not hardly any pain. He had some molars coming in, and so I asked the doctor if that could be causing the headaches. He said it could be possible. The doctor offered a CAT scan, which I turned down. I asked him how long it could wait until it was absolutely necessary. He said no longer than a week. I know, you are probably thinking that I'm crazy for not getting it. I thought that he would have to have an IV and be put through a bunch of painful tests. I was terrified!

The next night at 1:00am he woke up screaming again. I picked him up out of his bed and took him to the ER immediately. We took him to have a CAT scan right after he was signed in. The doctor said that the scan had to be sent through the web to Australia, because there weren't any doctors there at night to read it. I knew that something was really wrong. It's a mother's tuition, you just know when something is wrong. So I laid in Caleb's bed holding him ever so tightly, and was praying, praying and praying.

A few hours later, the doctor came in with the nurse, and if anyone has been in the hospital and received bad news, you already know that the doctor always brings a nurse with him when it's not good! He said, " I don't know how to say this." I didn't even sit up. I knew. He is going to tell me that my little boy has a brain tumor. He continues, " There is a mass in his head." He showed me where it was in Caleb's head. It was in the region controlling coordination. He had asked me if I want to see the scan. I replied, "yes." I remember staring at the picture of the CAT scan, and I said, "so does this mean he's going to die?" The doctor said, "I really can't tell you that." I could see the outline of his face on the screen, that's when the whole thing became "real" to me.

I remember calling my husband, who was at home with my other boys, and I began shaking uncontrollably. I made some more calls to Caleb's father, grandma and our pastor. (Yes, Caleb has a different dad. Nothing I'm proud of... the divorce that is. I was previously married. I was eighteen, way to young... sad situation, but we are able to be civil now, which many parents of divorce are not able to do.) Anyway, plans were made promptly to have Caleb taken to DeVos Children's Hospital in Grand Rapids.

Before Caleb was taken to have a three and a half hour MRI, I laid in his hospital bed with him. He fell asleep, and I just looked at every part of his sweet face. I sang some songs. Prayed, prayed and prayed. I knew that they were going to keep him totally sedated from the MRI all the way through surgery. This was going to be the last time that I was ever going to talk and hold him alive... if he didn't make it through that surgery alive. (tears....) At that moment, I thought about all of the good times, and everything that I wish that I would have done differently.

The nurses woke him up around 11:30pm on May the 22nd. and told him that they were going to give him a little nap. I got to tell him "I love you," and then the doctor started putting the medicine in his IV to sedate him. After that, the doctor gave him a medication that stopped all muscle controls. He was then put on a respirator. Yes, I watched, until he went limp from the muscle medicine. I walked out to the nurse station in the ICU, and quietly wept. When they were finished getting him set up, they wheeled him to MRI. I sat in his room for three and a half hours. When he came back, his ears were filled with tears. At that point, I felt like I was literally dying. I felt helpless. I asked if he was crying, the nurse said that it was the medication that does that to the eyes. To this day, I just don't believe that.

I sat by his bed, in a hard chair, and held his hand all night long. To watch his lungs get pumped up with air by a machine, was overwhelming. He would keep waking up and try to take the tube out, and the nurse would have to come in and give him more sedatives. I can't imagine waking up and not breathing on my own, and having a tube down my throat at the age of six. After going through the night and half the morning like that, the doctor came and got him at 10:30am on May the 23rd. Our pastor was there that morning and prayed over Caleb. I walked down the hall by his bedside until we came to the "double doors." I told him how much I loved him, and then they wheeled him through the doors. I stood there and watched them take my baby away. I watched him until I couldn't see him anymore. I broke down right there in the hall. I had never felt so empty in my entire life!

I sat in the waiting room with a bible in my hands. One of the nurses came in every hour and told me how he was doing. He did great! After four and a half hours, Caleb was brought back to the ICU, and I got to be there when he woke up. To hear him say that he knew where he was and who he was...... well, that was just pure bliss. I stayed by his side for five days straight. He had a shunt that had to be removed before he left, and that was pure, well you know, torture. He got to go home after five days. To go home so soon after brain surgery, that was a real blessing. Extremely scary too.

The doctors said that he was fortunate the tumor had a sac around it that didn't allow it to spread. I am certain that God had something to do with that! The tumor was benign. The doctors don't know what caused Caleb's tumor, but it likely had been there his whole life.

Through this whole nightmare, I have learned and grown so much. Life just "looks" different. I can say for 100 % that it had put the fear of God in me. Just knowing how much our lives are truly in His hands. It is completely up to the Lord when we will go and be with Him and all of His glory.

For the first year after Caleb's surgery, you could find me on my floor praying to God at 1:30 in the morning, every time he would wake up at night. I had been so traumatized through the whole ordeal, I had a really hard time going to bed at night, because that's when he had woke up screaming and we ended up at the ER with a brain tumor. Now, you can find me on my floor, kneeling beside my bed, thanking God for His unspeakable gift..... the healing of my son.

Thank you Lord for my sweet precious Caleb..... Thank you.

Mother's Day 2012

I made it through another Mother's Day without that little boy. Such a special day for mother's, and when you have faced loss, it almost becomes unbearable. The day before Mother's Day, I started to feel the "yuck." I just wanted to skip the day. **I know, I know, the crowd pulls their hands up to their mouth with a gasp of shock, "she doesn't want to celebrate Mother's Day!?"** I got "over" it after the morning got rolling, but it still crept up on me occasionally. In the end, I was spoiled, and treated like a queen! We spent the whole day at Mackinac Island! We had a blast!.......... Let me start with the COOLEST gift ever....... My friend Jen, (A.K.A. My most bestest bestest friend ever! This is not suppose to be spelled correctly, for all of you O.C.D. writers out there, including myself!) We were looking at these blankets at the store over one year ago, and she still remembered. Is this not the coolest gift ever, and friend!?!? Thank you from the bottom of my heart Jen!

and..... she also had my boys each make me a tag on these beautiful flowers, and they each brought them one by one to me, reading what they wrote. Jen brought me Isaiah's flower, which is written in rainbow, and said "I love you mama." Each flower made up the colors of the rainbow too!

The boys all made me beautiful homemade cards and poems, and my husband got me the sweetest card and yummy(fattening) box of chocolates! :O)

This is a close up of the flower I bought at a local flower shop for Isaiah's grave. I took Ezekiel with me, and we went and placed the flowers on his grave the day before Mother's Day.

Here is Ezekiel placing his flower on Isaiah's stone. I took him out of the car, and he went right over to Isaiah's grave. How did he remember where to go? I do not know, but I believe love is a strong force that God always allows us to carry throughout our life. So we can hang onto our loved ones, no matter where they may be....

Here is how I left the flowers...... Mother's Day may have been hard to wake up facing, but this is a day we all wake up to. Each day without our children. We can choose to embrace each day with faith and love, and hang onto our hope of that special day when we see them again. There will be no more pain and suffering. Just amazing love and joy....

A Glimpse Of Heaven....

Tesha, from Tesha's Treasures, took the time to go to the beach, and write out Isaiah's name in shells. I should say that she wrote out MANY names. I haven't seen his name written out in a very long time! When I look at this picture, my mind fills with images of my little boy playing on the beach with Jesus. With warm sand stuck on the bottom of his feet and between his little toes, Isaiah gathers all of the shells together, and Jesus takes them with a gentle smile, while neatly spelling out, ISAIAH. These are the images that keep my heart at peace. Thank you Tesha! This picture is precious to me!

and this precious photo too....

yes....you are forever loved Isaiah....

Life.... No Matter What.

My husband and I took our boys to the circus that visited our town on Wednesday. We met my friend Jen and her daughter Alexis there too. It was the boys first time experiencing a circus and they enjoyed it so so much! I enjoyed it too. My favorite part was watching them enjoy all of the entertainment....... then, we got to the end of the show, and it hit out of nowhere. The loss, sadness and life that he missed out on. As the dirt bikes drove as fast as they could around that special cage, with that beautiful brave woman standing inside, tears began to fill my eyes. I don't know if it was the freedom that those two young men seemed to have at that moment, as they raced around one another, or if it was as though nothing bad could happen to that young woman standing inside, no matter what danger seemed to roar around her. Time seemed to stand still........ Maybe, just maybe, I felt like that girl. Not thinking that anything bad could happen to me. To my children. It reminded me of my boys, so handsome, so brave. Fearless. Or, I feel as though I am stuck in that cage. Life keeps roaring around me. No matter what. Loss....... Life keeps going. A little boy missing out of the pictures that capture my boys. Loss....... Life keeps going. No matter what.

Footprints On My Heart

I created a new picture for the top of my blog, and I wanted to share it. Isaiah's footprints lay atop the blue doggy slippers he never got to wear. In the middle, rest the wedding bands of my husband and myself.

I had to get into Isaiah's tub of items, which are hidden safely away in my bedroom closet. I opened his beautiful fabric pastel box, which holds the most delicate pieces I have. As I was searching for his imprinted footprints, a glimpse of a picture caught my eye. I was taken back to the night he passed. I felt ill. My ears began to burn and anxiety ran through my legs and feet. I took this picture a few times, until I felt that it portrayed his precious life in a beautiful way, and then put all of his items gently back into the tub.

I just couldn't go through that box tonight.

Not tonight.

For The Joy Set Before Us

Walking With You was created to offer comfort, encouragement, and hope to grieving families who have lost a child. This week, we are sharing what it will be like the day we are reunited with our precious babies in heaven. If you would like more information on this ministry, click on the "Walking With You" button in my sidebar.

The moment I am reunited with my little boy in heaven... will be a true reward for me. The second my soul is placed inside the heavenly gates of glory, I picture Jesus standing there with His hand gently reaching for mine, and then placing it in Isaiah's hand. I feel at that moment, I will know why all of this pain and loss was allowed. Jesus will say to me, "welcome home my good and faithful servant." (I'm hoping...lol) It will all have been worth the pain that I have endured every single day of my life.

For the very first time... I will set my eyes upon Isaiah's eyes. One of the regrets that I carry with me, is not being able to look into his sweet eyes. "They" say that the eyes are the windows to our soul. There is just something so special when you look deep inside your children's eyes or any person whom you truly love. You can really sense their heart and soul.

I picture Isaiah as a young boy, not a baby. I don't even think that he will have been missing me. I believe that there are no tears and no goodbyes in heaven. Nothing bad. Just pure excitement! I see him with this huge smile, jumping up and down with anticipation to show me all that he has been doing. He will be tugging on my hand to have me hurry along the trail of adventures that he has been a part of. In certain places along the way, he will mention of the times that he heard me talking to him and the songs that we would sing to him. He will also mention of the times him and Jesus would send love and comfort to me while I was crying for my sweet boy.

I truly believe with all of my heart that Isaiah is with me in spirit, and is a witness to my life. Talk about making sure that I don't do bad things. lol It really puts in perspective how real our Lord is, and knowing that His eyes never leave us. He's watching all that we do and say. It's a constant effort to become a better person daily. To show more love and compassion along this journey in life. In becoming a better person, I can truly thank my son for that, and trust the Lord in His endless wisdom and guidance.

One day, I will be reunited with my sweet sweet boy..... until that day.....

Waiting.......