Walking With You... another journey together...

Kelly, from Sufficient Grace Ministries, is starting the Walking With You series over again. We are beginning right from the very first walk we took together a couple of years ago. The following, is what Kelly had written from a previous post, about the loss of a child. It gets my tears flowing....


Excerpt from this post:

That walk, it’s no flower-laden path. It is a dark alley with old jagged concrete, filled with mud puddles and Do Not Enter Signs. Dark and foreboding…if we look with our human eyes. That walk is not for the faint of heart. It is the nitty gritty stuff of life and death, loss and hope, pain and healing, sorrow and joy. It is a bitter cup that one day becomes a soothing sweetness to your soul, but for a time breaks you into pieces. And, on that walk, it’s unpredictable. The rain pours. The tears flow. The mud rises. That’s what we see, at least.


I'm a little over three years in walking this journey of loss. I have healed in ways only my Creator could accomplish within me, and still carrying a load of guilt that rests upon my shoulders. Some days are harder than others. It all depends on the time of year. During the hard days, I have to grab a hold of the Lord, and rest in His arms, minute by minute. It is definitely a journey of grief and hope, wrapped all in one.

I will be sharing my old "Walking With You" posts, as Kelly takes us through another journey together. We will be walking with old friends, and making new, along the way. Please join with us, and we will make our way, yet again, through the pain, beauty and hope, we all hold onto.......

When I had written this post, I only had my three older boys at the time. Our family had been bleesed with another son the following year after loosing Isaiah. This post had been written ten and a half months after the loss:

~The Beginning Of My Journey~

With four other boys at home, I know how precious life is. My children are my everything. It's my job to take care of and protect these fragile lives.

August 3, 2008 was the start of a new journey in my life.

From seven weeks to nineteen and a half weeks of pregnancy, I had a huge blood clot that was forming in my uterus. It was over three fourths of my placenta. I knew that there was a possibility that I would loose my child, but I guess I still looked at myself in the world's view.... "it won't happen to me." You may know what I'm talking about.

It did happen to me.

On the 2nd. of August, I was rushed to the hospital at 11:00pm. The blood clot had pulled away from the placenta, causing a partial placental abruption, which started a bleed that ended up becoming lethal. Not causing death to my son..... but a fast approaching death upon me.

The next day, on the 3rd. of August, I will NEVER forget. My doctor came into my room and sat at the end of my bed. She said that I had a condition called D.I.C. She said that we needed to deliver the placenta or I would be dead within the next twenty four hours. After the delivery, I still only had a 30% chance at survival.

Wow! How will I be able to live after loosing my precious son? My son was healthy and alive. Why would God have me go through this? I couldn't answer that question yet. I had to start the dreaded death sentence. I had three little boys to go home to. At this point.... I had lost a piece of my heart. All the hopes and dreams that I had for this little one..... buried.

I held my little boy as the beats of his heart slowed down to his last. I kept telling him how much I loved him, as I held his hand in mine. God gave me fifteen minutes. I am thankful for that little time that I had been blessed with. My little Isaiah got to begin life within me and end it within my arms.

Why did God allow this? Most of that question will have to wait until I get to heaven. My life has been transformed in so many ways. I have tried to focus on living a more wholesome and fulfilling life. The life that Isaiah didn't get to live. I want to be a better person because of his life, not worse.

That is the beginning of the walk that I have traveled in the last ten and a half months. Thank you for walking with me, and may we find God's grace through this journey together.

~Jenny~

December 2008....... 3 years ago

Lately, I have felt the sting of death tugging at my heart. I find myself daydreaming of the things he would be doing and saying at the age of three.

Isaiah was scheduled to enter this world, via c-section, on December 16, 2008.

The O.R. contacted me a couple of days prior to the scheduled surgery. In a cheerful voice, the woman on the phone asked to speak to Jennifer Ross. I answered, " this is Jennifer." She went on to tell me that she was calling to give me my arrival time to have my baby!

Standing in the kitchen, with my mouth dropping open, trying to catch the pieces of my heart breaking, I quietly spoke the words, "my son died a few months ago." She went on to apologize for the "mess up," and let me go. At that moment, I could have just died.

Throughout the weeks, I must have went to his grave almost every single day. At one point, I had struggled so severely, my sister contacted my doctor. I was absolutely traumatized by the death of my son. It was just not something that happens every day in my world.

I was so sick, dying in a hospital bed, being told that my son needs to be taken out of my womb. Just like that! Choosing the end... of beautiful life. It goes against every belief I hold in my virtues. The feeling that overtakes my body, literally makes me ill.

The loss of Isaiah has definitely been a painful journey. The months of August and December are my hardest to get through.

Christmas day is not only emotional because Isaiah isn't here with me.......

it was his due date....... December 25, 2008.

My precious Christmas baby......."unwrapped" 145 days too soon.......


~please hold me in your prayers~

A Beautiful Visit

Today, the boys and I went and picked out a Christmas wreath for Isaiah's grave.



This picture is priceless, and a little hard for me to look at. It tugs at my heart.




When the boys all talked to Isaiah, that was a little emotional for me too. It was a beautiful moment.




Sleep in heavenly peace my precious boy.......

Here With Me

There are times I have to try to find God. Not that He isn't there, but I have turned. Not deliberately. I just get covered in day to day life. From wife duties to children duties, and all of the mundane work of running a home properly. It can be exhausting!

A a child, I have always believed in God. I didn't have any deeper thoughts on the subject of heaven or God as a young girl. I guess that's the child like faith that Jesus speaks about in the bible. I never had a second thought about this God who watches over us day and night. He was my Protector. His love was infinite.

Then, as I grew into a teenage girl, I began to rebel. You know, it was the "cool" thing to do. It was about pleasing the world, so that I would fit in the world. No second thoughts on how wrong I was, or who I was hurting. I was literally trying to survive my adolescent years.

I can't say that my early twenties brought much glory to God either. Just getting through each day was my goal. I had three awesome boys so far, and life. "Live it up," right?........... wrong!

Throughout the years leading up to the age of twenty five, I was clueless. Not as a mother, or how I was raising my children, but as a child of God. I would say my prayers of thanks when something was for my benefit, or I would say a prayer for my boys when they were sick, and I would get so scared. The prayers weren't from a faithful servant. Just a mother surviving day to day life.

A few months after turning twenty five years old, I experienced REAL fear. For one week straight, I was begging God for His mercy and grace. It was on that 7th. day that I found Him. I mean, I really found Him. I had this fear within me, knowing how Great He is. I could never let go or walk away from the most priceless treasure that I had just uncovered within my soul. He had been there all along.

Within months of "finding" God and having a real relationship, my life began to grow. God knew when to draw me closer. He opened my eyes and had me see things that breaks His heart.

My own children, have been used in aiding in my spiritual growth. From almost burying my oldest son, to actually face the burial of my fourth son. The tragic death of Isaiah, has put a profound understanding into the death of Jesus, and how God chose to let His son die, to save us, His precious children. I know it's not the same case with the loss of Isaiah, when compared to Jesus, but when I cry for my son, it puts a whole new perspective on how God must have felt when He watched His son crying out in pain being crucified, and then forsaking His son.

When I pray now, and I ask for forgiveness or healing, and I ask it in the name of Jesus, there is life behind my words. It's so powerful.

I don't know the purpose behind this post. I was praying before picking up my pencil and notepad, and I heard God whisper, "write." As I mentioned in the beginning, there are times I have to try to find God. Not that He isn't there, but I have turned. Not deliberately. I just get covered in day to day life. From wife duties to children duties, and all of the mundane work of running a home properly. It can be exhausting!....... but I am never alone. Whether it be in the beauty or mess of life, He is here with me.



1 Chronicles 16:8-12

8 Give thanks unto the LORD,
call upon his name,
make known his deeds among the people.


9 Sing unto him, sing psalms unto him,
talk ye of all his wondrous works.


10 Glory ye in his holy name:
let the heart of them rejoice
that seek the LORD.


11 Seek the LORD and his strength,
seek his face continually.


12 Remember his marvelous works that he hath done,
his wonders, and the judgments of his mouth;

Last night...

It seems to hit during the quiet moments....

the pain...

the anger...

the trail of tears streaming down my cheeks...



I quietly shut the door to the bathroom,

close the lid to the toilet,

sit...

put my hands to my mouth...

and quietly weep...



I miss him so much at times, I feel like I physically cannot handle another day.....



Then morning returns,

with it brings joy....

only a joy that can be given by our God.....

Happy 2nd. Birthday Ezekiel

Today, we are celebrating two beautiful years with Ezekiel. Every day has been a blessing. I put some time into thinking how I wanted to write a post for Ezekiel, but I couldn't put anything together that came close to the story of how this little miracle boy came to be. I'll just simply say, he wasn't "supposed to have been," BUT he is..... he is alive, healthy and vibrant!! A simple "thank you" to God will never be enough, but raising this little boy to know his Lord and serve Him daily, is my biggest passion as a mother..... to all of my boys.

I copied last years post, because I really want to share the precious story of my son. I updated his sweet pictures on the post too.



Dear Ezekiel,

When I reflect on the past two years, I can't help, but be taken back to the nine months of my pregnancy with you. I'll never forget seeing the pink positive line on my pregnancy test. With excitement and fear entangled as one, I called everyone I knew. We were having another baby!

Ezekiel, until you're older, you may not realize what a true miracle you are. At five weeks pregnant, my body started to fight what God had knit in my belly. I started to bleed and have the same problems that had taken place with your brother, Isaiah. To say that I was terrified, would be an understatement.

I went in for an ultrasound, and there was no heartbeat to be found. My heart sunk. My soul was crushed. Why?.....

The next day, because of the amount of bleeding, daddy took me to the E.R. They told me that I was miscarrying.

On the drive home, I could feel life inside of me. I could feel that you were still hanging on. I would NOT give up on you! I refused. I prayed with power from the depths of my being, a prayer of a mother that just can't say goodbye to another child.

GOD HEARD.

GOD ANSWERED.

People throughout the world began to pray. On their knees. In the morning. Throughout the day. At bedtime. Spreading the word.

You began to grow. Kick. Suck your thumb.

The blood clots began to go away.




We found out that we were having another little boy. How wonderful!



Each week, I got to watch my belly grow.



On the morning of October 16, 2009, we were preparing for your birth. I had this weight on my shoulders, full of fear. Fear of death. Is my child going to be born alive? Is my body going to be able to handle another birth? Another surgery. I pray unceasingly.



At 9:21 a.m., you take your first breath of life...... I exhale the cloud of death that consumed my thoughts, and took my first breath of hope.



You are our sweet angel.



My rainbow.



You have brought this family so much joy. Happiness. Laughs.



You are not a replacement for the loss of your brother. You are a beautiful addition to our family.

God took my broken heart. My broken dreams........ and filled my arms.

Thank you God.

You ARE good!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY :o) Ezekiel Isaiah Ross :o)

I love you.

Beautiful start

It's been awhile, but I'm still kickin'! lol

I have been working on a special post about Isaiah's birthday. Only problem... it's still written in my head! I haven't actually typed it out yet. lol Procrastination??

This morning, something really neat happened to me, and I just had to share it. It's my birthday.... not a big deal. The only big thing..... the number 30.... OUCH!

Anyway, as I was getting ready to take the boys to school, my littlest buddy entered my heart.(sigh) I wondered if he would show me something today..... a rainbow would be nice. :)

As I sat in the car and reached for my keys that were buried deep in my purse, there it was...... a rainbow. (One of the boys had hit their head on the dome light while getting into the car, which was the source for the rainbow to be created.) It was a complete rainbow. Covering my legs and steering wheel, were all of the colors of Gods beautiful rainbow. I felt so happy at that moment.

For one moment, I felt like I had all of my boys with me. I did. God held us all together. Nothing could have been sweeter, not even a piece of cake.......