Last night...

It seems to hit during the quiet moments....

the pain...

the anger...

the trail of tears streaming down my cheeks...



I quietly shut the door to the bathroom,

close the lid to the toilet,

sit...

put my hands to my mouth...

and quietly weep...



I miss him so much at times, I feel like I physically cannot handle another day.....



Then morning returns,

with it brings joy....

only a joy that can be given by our God.....

Happy 2nd. Birthday Ezekiel

Today, we are celebrating two beautiful years with Ezekiel. Every day has been a blessing. I put some time into thinking how I wanted to write a post for Ezekiel, but I couldn't put anything together that came close to the story of how this little miracle boy came to be. I'll just simply say, he wasn't "supposed to have been," BUT he is..... he is alive, healthy and vibrant!! A simple "thank you" to God will never be enough, but raising this little boy to know his Lord and serve Him daily, is my biggest passion as a mother..... to all of my boys.

I copied last years post, because I really want to share the precious story of my son. I updated his sweet pictures on the post too.



Dear Ezekiel,

When I reflect on the past two years, I can't help, but be taken back to the nine months of my pregnancy with you. I'll never forget seeing the pink positive line on my pregnancy test. With excitement and fear entangled as one, I called everyone I knew. We were having another baby!

Ezekiel, until you're older, you may not realize what a true miracle you are. At five weeks pregnant, my body started to fight what God had knit in my belly. I started to bleed and have the same problems that had taken place with your brother, Isaiah. To say that I was terrified, would be an understatement.

I went in for an ultrasound, and there was no heartbeat to be found. My heart sunk. My soul was crushed. Why?.....

The next day, because of the amount of bleeding, daddy took me to the E.R. They told me that I was miscarrying.

On the drive home, I could feel life inside of me. I could feel that you were still hanging on. I would NOT give up on you! I refused. I prayed with power from the depths of my being, a prayer of a mother that just can't say goodbye to another child.

GOD HEARD.

GOD ANSWERED.

People throughout the world began to pray. On their knees. In the morning. Throughout the day. At bedtime. Spreading the word.

You began to grow. Kick. Suck your thumb.

The blood clots began to go away.




We found out that we were having another little boy. How wonderful!



Each week, I got to watch my belly grow.



On the morning of October 16, 2009, we were preparing for your birth. I had this weight on my shoulders, full of fear. Fear of death. Is my child going to be born alive? Is my body going to be able to handle another birth? Another surgery. I pray unceasingly.



At 9:21 a.m., you take your first breath of life...... I exhale the cloud of death that consumed my thoughts, and took my first breath of hope.



You are our sweet angel.



My rainbow.



You have brought this family so much joy. Happiness. Laughs.



You are not a replacement for the loss of your brother. You are a beautiful addition to our family.

God took my broken heart. My broken dreams........ and filled my arms.

Thank you God.

You ARE good!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY :o) Ezekiel Isaiah Ross :o)

I love you.

Beautiful start

It's been awhile, but I'm still kickin'! lol

I have been working on a special post about Isaiah's birthday. Only problem... it's still written in my head! I haven't actually typed it out yet. lol Procrastination??

This morning, something really neat happened to me, and I just had to share it. It's my birthday.... not a big deal. The only big thing..... the number 30.... OUCH!

Anyway, as I was getting ready to take the boys to school, my littlest buddy entered my heart.(sigh) I wondered if he would show me something today..... a rainbow would be nice. :)

As I sat in the car and reached for my keys that were buried deep in my purse, there it was...... a rainbow. (One of the boys had hit their head on the dome light while getting into the car, which was the source for the rainbow to be created.) It was a complete rainbow. Covering my legs and steering wheel, were all of the colors of Gods beautiful rainbow. I felt so happy at that moment.

For one moment, I felt like I had all of my boys with me. I did. God held us all together. Nothing could have been sweeter, not even a piece of cake.......

Happy Birthday Isaiah Christopher ~Three years in heaven~

My dearest Isaiah,

Today, is a day that has become one of the hardest to face for me. For the last three years, my soul has emotionally and physically ached over loosing you. From the moment your heart stopped beating, I let a piece of my own, journey into the heavens with you. I refused to let you be without your mommy.

I often get up at the crack of dawn, open my windows, and listen to the birds chirping their beautiful songs. My eyes graze over the dew covered grass, and I begin thinking of you. Thoughts of heaven travel around in my head. I sit and ponder all of the ways that you have been enjoying heaven these last three years. There must be so much beauty, peace and love surrounding you. I can only imagine.

I pull your picture close to my eyes, so I can see every intricate detail that God had formed so perfectly, so beautifully. My hands long to gently rub the back of your little head, just as a mother does when she cradles her newborn against her breast.

I count each little finger on both tiny hands, and I picture you holding up three little fingers after I ask how old you are today. I can just hear the precious words, "I'm thwee mommy!" I know that I would ask you the same question over and over again, because of how sweet you would have sounded. I'm quite sure that you would have gone running through our home full of excitement, telling your brothers that it's your birthday! What a sight that WOULD have been.

I may not be singing "Happy Birthday to You" while you're sitting at the table with your cake in front of you, but I know that your great grandmother Eleanore has already sung it to you. She was known for her beautiful voice, always making one feel like the most important person in the world. Give her a hug for me. (sigh)

I love you Isaiah. I cannot express enough, how special you are to me. You are a part of our family, and I will never let you be forgotten. There has not been a day that has passed without you filling my thoughts. I will never be the same.

I'll love you always... (tears)




Love,
Mommy





Happy Birthday to my littlest buddy.

As I ...

As I knelt down next to his stone, with the special plant I picked out and bought, my eyes welled up with tears. Not just tears of sorrow, but tears that I had yet another beautiful gift to give my son. This plant represents my love as his mother- with a deep red color to shower him with love.

As I dug the hole and removed the seed and roots from the year before, it brought an injustice to my soul. The pebbles of dirt rolled off one another, and teased my aching empty arms. Just a little further, lay my son. So close, yet so far away. (sigh)

On my knees, with dirt filled nails and palms, I took it all in...

the smell of the moist earth...

the hot sun beating on my neck and the back of my arms...

the insects traveling over weeds and blades of grass, and an ant racing over his stone...

I took this very special plant, buried it a few feet above my son, and whispered to him some very special words.

I left feeling accomplished. I'm just a mother, loving her child.

Tears trickled down my cheeks, As I drove away.

Wishes

Do you ever wish that you could go back in time and do something different, or make a different choice? Of course you have, just like the other millions of people out in the world.

There is something that has really been bothering me the last couple of days, and I really struggled with it yesterday. I figured that I would share it. It always seems to help when I write down my thoughts.

When I was allowed one final kiss and good-bye with Isaiah, I forgot to take something off of him and take it home with me in my box of treasured keepsakes. I made sure that he was wrapped in the pastel knitted baby blanket that I had held him in for twenty four hours and his soft newborn infant hat. I left my love on him with countless mommy kisses.

But I forgot one thing. His bracelet.

Later that day, after returning home, I dialed the funeral home as quick as my fingers would move, and asked that nice man to take the bracelet off for me. He quieted his voice and spoke,
" Mrs. Ross, the only problem is that I have already sealed the casket."

I don't remember what I had said after hearing that, but I will never forget the feeling that consumed me. That's the same feeling that I have been feeling for the last couple of days. The feeling of loss and regret.

If I had only remembered that tiny piece of plastic.

I can't think of anyone else who I would rather have holding onto it, than my sweet Isaiah...

It's All I've Got

My husband told me the other day about a man that he had met awhile back, and how this man was talking about how his wife never could get "over" the loss of their daughter that had been killed in an automobile accident back in the 80's. Not that she ever "got over it," but had not accepted the loss. He was very concerned about her overall health in general. (Those were the other mans words, not my husbands.)

My opinion, not that anyone is asking, is simple. I really don't think it's about "accepting" the loss, but having faith with the loss. I have never accepted the loss of Isaiah. To tell you the truth, it sounds disrespectful to be told to accept a loss that is priceless. We aren't talking about the stock market. My loss, crashed beyond what any stock market could "touch." But, I still invest in my faith. That's something that I can hold onto. That's something that can grow over time, and still go up and down through the months, but it's an investment that you can't go wrong in. The Lord is your "faith broker"... "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Not that I'm the "all that" faith believer, but I don't want to loose sight of what the Lord wanted to teach me along this hard journey. I want to hang on as tight as possible.

I'll choose to invest in my faith.... It's all I've got....