Name In Flowers

Maryline e-mailed me this awesome picture a couple of weeks ago. Her daughter picked these flowers and she created this picture for me. I just can't express how much it warms my heart to have other people "hold" my son in their hearts.

Thank you Maryline!!! It's beautiful!

Easter 2011

When people talk or think about the grave, it can bring an awkward uncomfortable feeling, extreme sadness or even anger....... which I usually feel while visiting Isaiah, but mostly guilt.

Today, while standing over Isaiah's grave, I chose to hold onto my hope and leave happy. I look upon this picture, knowing that I will be reunited with my son, because of the precious gift of Jesus.

Happy Easter to my littlest buddy.

I'll praise you Lord forever.

First Visit This Year

I was dropping off a prescription for Parker this evening, and had twenty minutes to sit and do nothing. The thoughts of visiting Isaiah have been running around in my head a lot lately, so I decided to drive up the road to go visit my son. I went to one gate and it was locked, so I turned around and went to the other gate. I hadn't been up there since last fall, and to tell you the truth, I wasn't sure that I was ready for this visit, emotionally.

That little voice inside, spoke to me softly and told me to leave. I did have Parker with me, and I didn't want him to think that I can't even decide where to spend twenty minutes waiting for a prescription. It would be kind of odd to back up and leave the place..... I felt like it though. I guess I didn't feel like "feeling." I had done a pretty good job staying strong, or numb rather.

The gas slowly accelerated, as the car took me up the drive, around the corners, passing the number markers, and then there was my normal parking spot, by that beautiful birch tree. I put the car in park, as Parker sweetly reminded me of a memory of his, "Mom, I remember when you cried really hard the day we buried Isaiah." I said nothing, as my eyes began to fill with tears. I could feel my lips begin to frown as I tried not to cry. I opened the door as the cool air stung my eyes. Without a word spoken, we walked over to Isaiah's marker. I could hear the birds chirping, which brought a little peace to my soul, then the crunch of the dead leaves under my feet, quickly took me to thoughts of death and loss.

I could feel my chest get tight as I knelt down and moved the dead leaves on the grass above him. I just couldn't make it through this visit. I began to cry silently. Parker looked over at me, and asked me why I was crying.

I felt so full of sorrow at that moment, with visions of his soft little head, and tiny little body, all alone. I couldn't handle it. I kissed my hand and placed it on the sharp grass and told him that I loved him. I got up and walked away with Parker. I got back in the car, and I could feel a bunch of pressure in my head, trying not to fall apart.

I probably wasn't there for more than two minutes. I felt like I was abandoning him. I knew that I shouldn't have gone there tonight. I don't know why. I guess, just knowing how long it's been since the last visit, I knew that this was going to really hit me hard. It did.

I'll just say that Burger King became dinner for tonight. I am emotionally drained.

Picture of Little Words

I saw this picture today while shopping. I read it, and put it in my cart. It was as simple as that! With such little words written, they reached somewhere deep inside me, and hit that part of me that I hide away from the world.

The words took me back to the first moment that I saw my son. To the first time I saw his face and tiny body in the flesh, without a black and white ultrasound screen.

The beauty that lay wrapped in my arms........ took my breath away....

Amazing

The coolest thing happened to me this morning, and I just had to share it.

I was in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, and I started to think about how spring will soon be here and I can go visit Isaiah.

Then, I started thinking about how I haven't visited Isaiah one time through this entire winter. I didn't even go put a wreath on his grave, like I did the previous two years. I mumbled under my breath what a terrible mother I was.............

Within seconds of speaking those negative words, my oldest Caleb, started singing, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow!!!" He was at the kitchen table building with his Lego's and the other three boys were playing around making all kinds of noise. If you know Caleb, you would know how shy he is. He won't barely sing the words to "Happy Birthday," when there are fifty other people singing it around him! lol

God used Caleb.

Period.

He stopped me from the negative words that I was speaking, and the thoughts I was thinking. He once again reminded me that Isaiah is safe.

He reminded me that He holds and protects him.

He loves Isaiah beyond any love that I could ever give or feel.

He is love. Creator. Father. God.

I am blessed to be a daughter of the King.

I am blessed to be Isaiah's mommy.

I am blessed to have God share another "rainbow" with me.

Again I say, Coincidence......... I think not!

It was amazing....... music to my ears.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

                                                                  

Do you have a small or big miracle that has brought you hope lately? Link up with Franchesca and share with others on her blog hop of hope entitled Small Miracles.

Rainbows. If you have followed me long enough, you know that it is the rainbow that brings me hope along the way.

Before the loss of Isaiah, I had only seen a handful of rainbows in my life.

The morning, following his passing, there were three people who witnessed a rainbow, all within a half hour.......

I was in my hospital bed, in the I.C.U., slowly waking from the night before. Reality slowly crept through my memory.

My son........ was gone.

GONE.

Just like that.

I called my dad, who was on vacation at the time, and told him what happened to Isaiah. He already knew, but I didn't know that he had already been informed. I remember that my voice was soft and cracking, and I just listened to my dad weep on the other end. He said, "Jenny, there's a rainbow in the sky right now." I said, "There is?"  Through his tears, he whispered, "It's a double rainbow." He paused....... "He's safe with Jesus."  

Fifteen minutes after talking to my dad, I called Phyllis, my previous mother-in-law. I quietly asked her if she knew where I was. She began crying. She couldn't barely speak. She kept repeating, "I am so sorry Jenny, I am so so sorry." Then, she started to cry a little deeper, and said that there was a rainbow in the sky!

About ten to fifteen minutes after that phone call, my step-dad, Keith, stopped at the hospital to check on me before going to work. He walked up to my bed, gave me a kiss on my forehead, and said, "I saw a rainbow on my way here."

WOW! That's three rainbows in 30 minutes. My dad was in Massachusetts. I live in Michigan. Keith and Phyllis live 30 minutes from each other. They were not seeing the same rainbow.

I know that God gave me the symbol of the rainbow to hold onto for hope. Not hope in heaven. Just a hope that carries a calming peace along with it.

I seriously cannot believe how many rainbows I have seen since August 3, 2008. It's an amazing amount.

I was really struggling a couple of weeks ago and I wrote a post titled, "Praying. Healing. Where I Am....... Serious Post." During the time of that post, on my way to work one morning, there was a rainbow. I remember driving down the road, just talking to God, and I said, " if I just had one little piece of knowledge as to why this happened, it would make it a little easier." Immediately after saying that, I saw the rainbow. It wasn't like a normal rainbow either. It came straight down from the sky, just like a ray of sun beams down. I could not believe my eyes!!!! That was enough for me! Deep down, I know that there is a reason that is beyond anything that my mind could comprehend. I am so thankful that God shared His rainbow with me that morning. I sure did need it.

This evening, I went out to dinner with my friend Jen and her daughter Alexis, and I started thinking of my sweet boy. I usually will go off into some kind of "daydream look" when I'm thinking about Isaiah. As I was staring at the table, I noticed a rainbow right next to my glass of water. Coincidence........... I think not.

Somewhere over the rainbow,

way up high, in heaven...........

he is safe, in the arms of Jesus.

Praying. Healing. Where I Am........ Serious Post.

When I post my words on this blog, they have been straight from my heart. I have kept truth in every word I type. There have been many times that I wanted to dig deeper, share more pain, but I didn't want to hurt anyone or make them fall deeper in their own grief, for reading the words that I chose to write. After two years of blogging, I have chosen to do it. It's not anything crazy and so far out there, but it's a subject that I have only read about one time, out of two years surfing other blogs. I have other things weighing on my heart too.....

I'm going to start off with a comment that I left Kelly on one of her posts, after she had commented on my last post: (My comment below.)

"About my latest post, I sure don't mean to sound negative or like a broken record about my "problems." I truly want healing, and I just really don't know what to do. I pray, and pray, and pray, and I still feel so so bad. I usually numb the hurt for awhile, then it slowly trickles out. I pray that God is still using it for His glory, even though I'm still hanging onto it."

One of the struggles that I come across when writing, is not wanting to represent anything but Christ. I have no greater love, than that of my Lord. He can heal. He will heal. He DOES heal.

I don't want to write out my struggles and leave the post without any hope at the end. I really do walk around with a numb covering, just so I can get through the day. I do laugh. I do have fun. I do all of this, with an opened wound on my heart. It hasn't gotten better for me. This doesn't mean that God can't and won't heal the hurt or the loss. After writing Kelly about how I pray, and pray, and pray, I realized that in my prayers, I never asked God to heal me from the guilt. I prayed that He would give me the strength to live with the guilt. Talk about being deceived! 

I have also been reading through the book of Job, and have come across some verses that really tear at my soul. These verses are the part that I really don't think that anyone wants to think about, or care to read. I respect that, but I feel like I need to cross the "boundary" for those who want someone to do it, because they just can't do it. There is definitely a silent "no no," about speaking about the grave. I am deeply burden by thoughts of my sons grave and I really hope and pray that my respect that I have tried to "earn" on my blog is not lost. I am so so sorry if I "crossed" your boundary in grief.

Two verses that I read out of the book of Job:

*Job 19:26 And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God.

*Job 21:26 They shall lie down alike in the dust, and the worms shall cover them.

To be completely honest, I don't go through one day without thinking about it. I know that my sons soul went to be with the Lord. Our Creator is holding that sweet soul that He made with His own hands. He holds my son.

* 2 Corinthians 5:8 We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. 

I believe every single word that is written in the Holy Bible. 

I struggle very deeply with the knowledge of knowing the natural part of death. I don't like knowing what is happing to my son. A mother has a built in protection system for her children. It doesn't matter if your child is a newborn, teenager or an adult. Each child leaves their DNA in their mother's blood. I have all of this protection that I have in me, for each of my children. I'm telling you, I am a very, very, very PROTECTIVE  mother! It troubles my mind to think of Isaiah and what has happened to his body.

Every time I go outside in the cold, I think about it. Every time it rains, I think about it. Every time it's been 80 degrees outside, I've thought about it.  With each passing season, I feel as though I am slowly loosing his tiny little body that I nurtured with my own. I feel as though little pieces of my strength pass with him. 

While I'm lying in bed at night, waiting for sleep to fall upon me, I wonder how he felt as his heartbeat slowly came to his last. 

Did it hurt him?

Did he feel the oxygen being taken from his lungs?

Could he hear his mommy whispering in his little ear, " I love you Isaiah Christopher."

Were the nurses 100% sure that he had passed, before being taken from my arms and placed by himself on the nursery bed?

Should I have had the nurses try to save his life, even though they told me that there was no way that he was going to make it? I could have had greater faith, and at the same time, I didn't want him to suffer for a handful of moments that he would have lived, in pain. I didn't want to loose the warmth and life that I held for fifteen minutes. One answer was right, and only God knows if the other was the one that I should have chosen. Was I supposed to be this women with faith beyond words, than that of the words that were spoken or knowledge learned through college, by nurses? Or, was I supposed to hold onto a faith, for the hope that I had held for my innocent little one? 

There is so much pain, I simply can't handle it sometimes. That's when you will come along a post on my blog that holds so much pain. Although I may appear to sound like a broken record at times, I am so thankful for the support that God has graced me with, on my blog. I am so thankful for the women who come along and just write a simple, " I'm praying for you." There is nothing stronger than prayer. God is within it all. He uses all of us, the broken hearted, to bring Him glory..... if we let Him. Just continue asking, begging if you need to. Cry to Him.

* Psalm 34:15 The eyes of the LORD are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry. 

* Psalm 34:17 The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles.

* Psalm 34:19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.

 

I'm going to end with the comment that Kelly had replied to, regarding my comment written in the beginning of this post:

"Your latest post was just honesty from your heart about a difficult battle you struggle with...and I'm glad you shared it, so that we can pray and show love to you. We can't help how we feel. My friend, Lynette (in real life friend) says that God's part is always bigger than our part. That means that we don't have to strive to do it all right or have it all figured out. He will work in our lives and hearts in His time to heal, restore, grow, mend...whatever it is that needs dealt with. And, our part is small. It's not about us getting it right. He can work in and through us. Our part is just to keep clinging to Him. So, just keep clinging....He'll do the rest."

That's what I'm going to continue doing. Clinging to the Lord.

This post covers where I am.

Wow! After writing that sentence, I noticed the last two words.

"I Am." 

It looks as though I've been covered by Him all along! Thank you Father!

* Exodus 3:14 God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM." 

God is so awesome! Looks like He just used my pain and got the glory. I just love when He shows me special answers along the way. In times like this, it makes the pain worth it all. There is something gained and not lost.

I will praise Him forever.......