Snowman For Isaiah

This is a picture from last February. I haven't been able to visit Isaiah, and wanted to share this picture again. I felt really good after I made that little snowman for him. I try to do unique things at his grave. I suppose I do it to make myself feel better. I just don't want it to be a "grave." It just sounds so yucky. That's my little boy, and I want to do special things for him, just as I would if he were here with me. I can just "see" his big grin looking down from heaven, saying, " thank you mommy... I love you too." 

Isaiah 49:13

Sing, O heavens; and be joyful, O earth; and break forth into singing, O mountains: for the Lord hath comforted his people, and will have mercy upon his afflicted.

Thank you for all of the prayers. I have felt the Lord's peace throughout the week, and will be going into counseling for all of the anger and hurt that I've been harvesting inside. Hopefully, I will be able to start next week. 

The Greatest Pain

I really don't know where to start. So I'm just going to "spit" it out. I am so full of pain and grief. I suppose that I would be just like most bereaved parents... but I'm not. I'm not taking away the pain of any other hurting parent. I just feel so tied down with guilt.  When I read other women's blogs, I get a sense of peace that they have within themselves. They didn't have a choice... just horrible life changing news.  I'm not able to accept what has happened to Isaiah. He was alive. He was a healthy little boy. Nothing was "wrong." He just kept on growing and growing... completely untouched by the clot and bleeding that were in my uterus.

I was told that it was both of us or one of us. Are you kidding me God? I know that I haven't been a saint in this lifetime, but come on... both of us or one of us. This isn't a choice that a mother makes. Some can say, "he was going to die either way," but let me tell you, it doesn't make me feel any better at all! It's a never ending battle of pain and emptiness. I feel like I'm being punished.

Something terrible was spoken to me yesterday. For the last 24 hours, I was really asking myself if I wanted to share it with other people. I have given my heart so freely to you all, and have decided to share what happened.

The very SHORT conversation went like this:

Me: "I had such a hard time with Christmas and not having Isaiah here."

Other Person: "Can't you just be thankful for what you have now(Ezekiel) and stop dwelling on the past."

Me: "He can't be replaced! He's not a material!! I feel so bad because he didn't die from natural causes."

Other Person:  "You mean cause you pulled the trigger on him?"

I will never speak the name of this other person. I'll just say that it would make you sick to your stomach if I told you who it was! You wouldn't believe your ears!

I don't know how many times those words have ran over and over in my head. Every time I look at his picture. Every time I think of my little boy....  cause you pulled the trigger on him... you murderer.

I've never felt greater pain.

I'm in need of some major prayer.

Merry Christmas Son

Merry Christmas Isaiah! Caleb got you a present for Christmas. It was so comforting to see your name on a present and added to the pile under the tree. I only wish that you were here to open it. I would give anything to see your smile. To see your eyes light up. To hold you in my arms. To whisper in your ear, "I love you." My heart aches. Mommy loves you Isaiah, so very much.

                                 MERRY CHRISTMAS little buddy.

Overwhelmed With Love

My friend Jen, called me this morning, and told me to look outside my door. She had put this picture and poem together for me and wrapped it up. She told me to open the gift when I was alone. I laughed and said that I'm sure I know who it's going to be about. My sweet precious Isaiah.

I took her advice, and waited until later in the day when I was alone. It took my breathe away. There was my little buddy......... my little buddy. ~tears~

Thank you Jen.

Here is what the poem read:

I'M AN ANGEL NOW

One night I cried to Jesus 
As I sat beneath the tree;
I looked into the open sky
And hoped He'd answer me.

"I'm lost dear Lord ...
I've traveled far but still I seem to roam;
Please light the way and lead me, Lord,
I need to get back home."

I told Him of my burdens 
And of the sadness in my heart;
That from His gracious love
I'd never felt so far apart.

"Why did you take my child, Lord?
I cannot understand!
No longer can I touch his face 
Or hold his tiny hand."

"I'm angry, Lord ... I'm missing him,
I'm drowning in my sorrow;
Please help to heal my yesterday
And face each new tomorrow."

It was then I heard his gentle voice 
And felt his presence near;
How I wanted so to hold him 
As I cried another tear.

He said "Mommy, I'm an angel now, 
My spirit will be free;
I'm an angel now in heaven,
So please don't cry for me."

"I was chosen by our Lord above
And now I'm in His care;
Whenever you need me,
Just look inside your heart;
I promise to be there."

"No one can ever take away
Our bond with one another;
For I'll always be your precious child,
As you will always be my mother."

"So if you cannot find your way
Or the road to home seems far;
Just look up to the Heavens
And I'll be your guiding star."

He said, "Mommy, I'm an angel now, 
My spirit will be free;
I'm an angel now in Heaven ...
There's no need to cry for me."

AND.......

Above, is a priceless ornament. It's not just another ornament... these ornaments that I have been given are new memories. New "moments" with my son. My former sister-in-law, Shelly, blessed me with this one. We shared a moment together. Tears were exchanged. A moment. A memory.

Thank you Shelly. It's beautiful... priceless.

 

Another Priceless gift

I got this ornament in the mail a few days ago from Jess @ Peace like A River. Thank you so very much Jess!!! She made these beautiful ornaments for many hurting women. On the back of the ornament it has Psalm 84:10 ...Better is One Day in Your Courts, Than Thousands Elsewhere. It made me cry. I really needed to be reminded of Psalm 84:10. For a moment, and I mean a moment, I didn't hurt for Isaiah, I was happy knowing that he is happy. Getting these special gifts in memory of Isaiah have made me feel like I'm getting little pieces of him back for a moment. I don't get to make any memories with him or see his smiling face when he gets something special. When I get something for him it makes a new memory for me. If he were here with us, people would talk about him and think about him on a regular basis. So when he is thought about and talked about, it means more to me than anyone will ever know. I thank all of you out in  "blogland" who don't let the memory of my son die.... and a thank you to everybody that lives near me and sees me often. Your hugs are so important and special to me. It's so hard to talk about how I'm doing. To painful. I'm completely torn.......

I love you all.

Priceless Gift

 My sweet blog friend, Kelly Gerken @ The Beauty Of Sufficient Grace, sent this priceless gift to me. I couldn't have asked for a better gift for CHRISTmas. Around the back of the ornament it reads: sleep in heavenly peace. To me, this little boy angel represents my sweet son Isaiah.... waiting for me in heaven. 

Thank you so much Kelly! 

Heartwrenching

 I was in the kitchen making dinner, and overheard Parker talking to Ezekiel about Isaiah. In his high pitch "baby voice", this is what Parker said..... "Ezekiel this is our baby brother Isaiah. He died at the doctors with mommy."

This is what I saw.............

I'm sure nobody expects me to explain how I felt at that moment. There are no words.